May 1. A new month. Spring is bursting with its giddy desire to show off its finery and bloom.

And I am feeling the pull of memory.

It is May. The month I was set free, 20 years ago this May 21st.

I don’t often think, nor write, about those days, but this month, I plan on writing a bit more often about the recovery from that darkness. About how I made it back into the light.

It’s really simple, my decision to do this. I have begun to write my book about this healing journey called life.

Over the weekend, I created a working title — it helps me focus my writing. Love Yourself First: A simple guide to healing the past so you can live now in love.

I’ve identified my target audience – older adults 55+ and crafted an outline. Noted Key Themes to guide me, drafted each chapter outline and did some research on some of the topics I want to discuss: Things like, Our human need for love. The role of belonging. The importance of bravery. The need to continuously deepen self knowledge, the power of letting go, the value of resilience, the gifts of healing the past and the acceptance of imperfection.

I feel ready. Excited. Motivated.

I’ve got a writing buddy, *thank you Linh) and a Daily Intention buddy (thank you Jane) and, I’ve got a deep desire to ‘get it all out’ – One Word At A Time.

Years ago, when I was released from that relationship that was killing me, I awoke to the grim reality of the devestation that relationship had caused in my life and the lives of those who loved me. I had seventy-two cents in my pocket, a few clothes and my Golden Retriever, Ellie. And I had people who loved me who were hurt and angry. I had betrayed the sacred trust of motherhood. I had betrayed myself and everyone who cared for me with the lies I had lived while in that relationship.

I was broken.

I was blessed.

My sister and her husband gave me a home, a safe refuge to weather the aftermath of the storm. Everyday, Ellie, who had travelled the final two years of that journey with me, and I would walk into the woods at the end of the street where my sister lived and I would breathe deeply in the freedom of walking without ‘his’ voice repeating over and over again in my head all the reasons why I didn’t deserve to live, all the ways I had failed him and was a failure as a human being.

As I walked, I remember thinking of the problems I had to face. The burden of finding a solution to their totality weighed me down. They looked so big. So daunting. So over-whelming. To give myself peace, I would look up into the limitless blue of the sky overhead and whisper to the heavens, “Okay Universe. Here’s the deal. Can you please carry the burden of what I must do so that I can focus on doing one thing today that will bring me closer to my goal of healing and reconnecting with my daughters? Will you please carry the load so that I can breathe freely and take one small step each day towards reclaiming my life.”

One small step. It was all I needed to take to keep myself moving forward on the healing path. Healing didn’t have a destination. It had a journey that could only be taken – one small step at a time.

Twenty years ago, walking in the woods, as soon as I asked the universe to carry the load, the burden lifted. I would feel lighter, more peaceful and calm. And in my renewed strength, I could take the next small step I needed to take to heal. And that one small step became a path of steps leading me away from the turmoil and pain of what had happened with him, into the joy of what was happening in my life without him.

Success isn’t necessarily found in the big leap, the giant step over the mountain. Success is found in the small things we do each and every day to walk our talk, walk our path of integrity, honesty and truth. Success is found in the grace and ease with which we overcome obstacles, embrace tribulations and infuse each moment with love and joy.

Success is found in living each moment filled with the rapture of now. It’s discovered as we let go of regret, recriminations, self-loathing and a host of other internal roadblocks that hold us back from living in the light. It’s found when we keep expressing our gratitude and joy in living this one life now, arms wide open, heart beating wildly to the drum of our one unique song – the song we each possess that only we know and all the world can hear when we boldly choose to sing it out loud and fierce.

This weekend, I wrote an outline for a book I have been thinking about writing for a long time.

It was one small step followed by others. Word by word, the book will appear and as it appears, I will better understand what its path to success looks like. For today, I shall celebrate the success each word brings..

Namaste