Boundaries – a line that marks the limit of an area, a concept we grasp as physical demarcation between one space and another. But when it comes to our emotional landscape, these lines become blurred, complex, and often invisible. Yet they are equally, if not more, significant for our wellbeing.
The absence of boundaries is like trying to hold water in your hands without a container – you lose yourself in an unstructured space, susceptible to the whims and influences of others. You become a canvas upon which others paint whatever they want, with little consideration for your emotional integrity.
This realization dawned on me many years ago when I found myself telling someone, “I’m getting tired of you crossing the boundaries I refuse to set.” The stark truth of my words hit me hard. It begged the question – Are my boudnaries like that proverbial tree falling in the forest with no one around to hear it fall? If I don’t set boundaries, is anyone crossing them?
Sometimes, we find ourselves blaming others for overstepping our boundaries, when in fact, it’s our responsibility to set and honor them. Like a lighthouse in the fog, our boundaries guide us to safe harbors, away from the rocky shores of emotional distress.
The challenge is, you’ve got to know your boundaries to set them. For me, because mine weren’t clear, it was really hard when I first began this work to get clear on what I wanted, allowed and didn’t allow in my life. It required scrupulous self-reflection and difficult conversations. But it was crucial to my emotional health and in ensuring that my relationships are respectful and reciprocal.
And the bottomline is, I’m worth it. I’m worth doing the work of knowing myself deeply and honouring my own needs. So are you.
The question is, how do we define our boundaries? What makes a boundary healthy? They aren’t lines drawn in anger or fear. They’re created from self-understanding and respect for our own needs and limits. Healthy boundaries involve clear communication of our expectations and the consequences if these lines are crossed. They are firm yet flexible, allowing for growth and change.
Acknowledging our feelings, needs, and values is the first step in establishing our boundaries. These can be as simple as setting aside personal time for relaxation or as complex as articulating our expectations in a romantic relationship.
And here’s the thing. Setting boundaries is only half the journey. Upholding them requires strength, courage, and consistency. We need to understand that it’s okay to say no, that it’s acceptable to prioritize our needs, and that standing up for ourselves is not selfish but self-preserving.
Remember, each time we compromise our boundaries, we’re not just bending rules – we’re subtly telling ourselves that our needs, our wellbeing, aren’t important.
Embracing boundaries as a fundamental part of who we are is a lifelong journey. The first step is understanding that boundaries aren’t limitations, but definitions. They define who we are, what we need, and how we want to be treated. They’re not walls, but markers of respect – both for ourselves and others.
In the end, we cannot control how others behave. We can control how we respond. Respecting our own boundaries, calmly, firmly holding them in place with tender heart and hands, eases tension while creating joyful, loving spaces that honours and celebrates the differences between us. In those differences lies a sea of limitless possibilities for life to blossom in all its living colours.
Oh! And to the individual to whom I said, “I’m tired of you crossing the boundaries I refuse to set”… Thank you for laughing with me at the realization of how ludicrous my utterance was. I’m grateful for your compassionate care as I walked into experiencing my truth coming to light.
Dare Boldly 
“I’m tired of you crossing the boundaries I refuse to set” 👌
a wonderful share, Louise 🙏
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I have learned over the years in my 40 plus years how crucial having and maintaining personal boundaries are. I wish I had of been taught this as a child, but better late than never I suppose. I just want to note that sometimes people will punish you for having and upholding your boundaries as well. This has happened to me on numerous occasions. However, it is my responsibility to preserve and protect my emotional, mental, physical and psychological health. I do feel that when you have that sense from inside you that you are worth it and nobody has a right to just do you any kind of way, you will intricately understand the power of boundaries. Always enjoy reading your work.
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A very powerful message you have expressed this morning. My morning coffee did not quite kick in yet until I read, reread your words. One never thinks of boundaries of any kind for oneself. Even at work one’s obvious boundaries were set by the parameters of duties / responsibilities. However, saying NO to a boss was usually a non-no!
Through life’s experiences, which include one’s professional work, I learned that to say NO was the ultimate power I had over my own time, abilities and wants. I have been exercising that “power” of setting my own boundary in controlling my time and activities quite a lot these past few years. It feels good, although at times others may express regret that I will not do something. I have learned that is okay. How I feel is more important than others being disappointed they could not get me to handle yet another “thing”.
It is never too late to set own’s one boundaries whether consciously or subconsciously.
The key is to ensure others respect them.
It is a beautiful day here in the Middle Kingdom, aka Ontario. Much needed rain is to come, maybe. The weather predictors have not been very good at predicting these past months so I look out the window and plan my days accordingly.
Enjoy the day, tomorrow my not be what you want.
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Thank you for your beautiful description of life in the MIddle Kingdom, Iwona.
It is never too late! At work, and I still do this,when asked to add one more thing to my already full plate, if it was a ‘priority’ thing I’d say, “I’m really happy to take this on. Which of the priorities alreaady on my plate would you like me to push back?” It often worked. 🙂 Sometimes… when the answer was, “None.” I’d have to figure out the way! 🙂
For me, ensuring others respect my boundaries begins with respecting them myself. Yesterday, I did something truly unexpected. I booked myself a flight to Ireland in october for 10 days. I’ll call you. 🙂 It’s my “For me” tour celebrating my upcoming 70th. 🙂
When I told one of my sisters what I’d done she suggested it might be fun if she could join me. I agreed, and added, “But not this trip. This one is all about me.” 🙂 I was really proud of myself for respecting my boundary of wanting to take this journey for me, with me. 🙂
Enjoy your day. It is beautiful here today, birds twetter amongst the leaves dancing in a gentle morning breeze. Skies are almost smoke free. Sun shines. Life is good. ❤
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LG,
Only after I sobered up (36 1/2 years ago) did I confront that I had boundary issues – I had none. A friend pointed that out because I was an ACOA and only kid in a dysfunctional family … all before codependency had been invented. I had not been shown or taught.
However, I learned I was like the land owner – I could post a no-trespassing sign to warn others to not violate my boundaries, but that became an education in ‘not crossing other people’s boundaries’ … and, how can we know that unless we inquire, are informed, or shot for trespassing?
We all need a reminder on this issue periodically, so thanks for yours this morning.
Boundaries are an EVERYBODY issue, now more than ever. Think about it, each time you ‘accept a friend’ on a social media site, ‘allow all cookies’, or click a box saying ‘yes, I’ve read the terms of service’ which is the fine print we never read.
It all starts with us,
For starters, lets put up some signs!
Cheers,
Mark
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You are so rightr Mark. Boundaries are an everybody thing. The challenge for all humanity is we don’t a) teach them and b) we don’t tend to respect someone else’s boundaries when they’re different than ours. At least not without a struggle. And in that struggle, we create a world of angst.
I like your analogy about the landowner. Quietly, calming establishing, stating, clarifying those boundaries is critical.
Hope you have a wonderful day filled with beautiful boundaries that state unequivocally, “I deserve to be treated with loving kindness, respect and consideration. My boundaries matter.”
Hugs
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