relationships | Dare Boldly

In my MasterClass – RADIANT BOLD AGING, I share what I’ve learned about the power of forgiveness and self-compassion and love in having triumped over an abuse relationship that set me free to love myself completely.

Through a very toxic relationship, I learned that self-hatred is the enemy of freedom, self- denial the path to peridition.

When I escaped that relationship, my priority was to heal myself so I could repair and reclaim the bonds I’d broken with my daughters. Over the almost five years of that relationship, I’d caused them immense pain and betrayed their trust.

In my MC, I share how, while it was easy to want to blame my ex-partner for everything, I knew I was accountable for my actions. The path to regaining their trust and forgiveness started with forgiving myself so that I could be 100% accountable for the pain I’d caused them.

This was a difficult step because I wanted it to be ‘all his fault’. Fact is, to heal myself and my relationship with my daughters, I had to step into my own agency. So, I made a conscious decision to simplify the process of forgiving myself. I repeatedly told myself, “I forgive myself,” without any qualifications or dwelling on past mistakes. It was liberating to let go of the guilt and shame.

Similarly, when thoughts of abuser resurfaced (which in those first heady days of freedom they frequently did), I mentally put up stop signs and redirected my focus to healing and creating a positive future.

The journey to healing wasn’t linear. There were setbacks and moments of doubt, but with each step, I fell deeper and deeper in love with myself AND rekindled the love and connection with my daughters.

Healing is ongoing, and the past still holds some influence in our unconscious, even when we think ‘we’re done with that’. Triggers can emerge enexpectedly. The power is in choosing to step into ‘the mess’ to heal the broken places triggers reveal. I’ve learned to navigate those spaces with forgiveness and self-compassion.

That relationship, though awful for my family and the friends who loved me, strengthened me, my daughters, and all my relationships. My daughter once shared that she didn’t regret it, as it ultimately made us stronger. I agree.

A few years ago, my eldest daughter and I shared our story of healing at a conference. It was challenging but also incredibly rewarding. It was a reminder that I can’t change the past, but I can choose to ‘let it be’ and shape a positive future through forgiveness and love.

This journey taught me to stop seeking fairy tales and to believe in myself. I learned that dreams can come true when we embrace truth, dignity, kindness, and forgiveness.

Most importantly, I discovered the importance of letting go of self-doubt and falling in love with ourselves and our lives.

If you’re interested in falling in love with yourself, in igniting your passion for living free of the past, and instilling more fun and joy into your everyday, join me at RADIANT BOLD AGING, June 7, 10-11:30 am (MT). It’s free and online — you can come as you are — in your pajamas or ball gown!

I hope to see you there.

As we grow older, we often realize that some of the lessons and advice we received in our youth don’t serve us as well as we thought. Until we are courageous enough to explore these messages, we may find ourselves repeating patterns that no longer benefit us.

Take my experience, for instance. Growing up, my mother always emphasized being ‘nice,’ even when others were rude or unkind. The underlying message was to never express my true feelings. As a result, I often tolerated unacceptable behavior. It wasn’t until later in life that I learned the importance of setting clear boundaries and speaking my truth with kindness. This not only teaches others how to treat us but also ensures we don’t accept the unacceptable as acceptable.

These early lessons can impact us in many areas of our lives, such as:

In Our Relationships: Not being able to speak our truth can lead to resentment and misunderstandings in our relationships. When we suppress our true feelings to keep the peace or be ‘nice,’ we may end up feeling unvalued and resentful. This can create a cycle of dissatisfaction and conflict, undermining the very relationships we are trying to preserve.
In Our Schooling: These lessons can keep us underachieving, not reaching our full potential because we don’t believe we’re capable or deserving. On the other hand, they might push us to overachieve, striving for perfection and setting ourselves up for a life filled with constant stress and anxiety.
In Our Careers: Not standing up for ourselves or setting clear boundaries can hold us back from achieving the success we desire. We might not advocate for the raises or promotions we deserve, or we might take on too much work to please others, leading to burnout.

The key to breaking these patterns is courage. We need to be brave enough to question and explore these messages from our past. Only then can we begin to reshape them into healthier, more empowering beliefs.This journey of exploration and growth is a key focus of my program, “The ReWrite Journey.” In this course, we delve into our lifelines and explore the values and beliefs we formed based on our experiences. We then examine how the decisions we made in the ‘there and then’ shape our lives and can become limiting in the ‘here and now’ if they are not aligned with our true values. For instance, I believe in kindness, but without setting clear boundaries that respected me, I ended up feeling frustrated and disrespected, because the core underlying belief I’d unintentionally learned in childhood was, ‘my voice doesn’t matter’ Aka – I don’t matter.

By understanding and realigning our beliefs, we can create a life that honours our true values and supports our well-being.

So, there’s the invitation–What’s one piece of advice or wisdom you received in your childhood or teenage years that, in hindsight, turned out to be less helpful or even misguided? How has recognizing and addressing this affected your life? I invite you to share your experiences in the comments below — when we share our courage to be brave and vulnerable, we inspire others to take the journey of growth and self-discovery.

If you’re interested in exploring these concepts further, I invite you to chat with me about “The ReWrite Journey.” I’ve just begun with a new cohort but it’s not too late to join the journey! All things are possible when we uncover the beliefs holding us back and rewrite them to align with our true values, so that we can live a more empowered and fulfilling life.