Dare boldly

A blog by Louise Gallagher

Category Archives: finding joy


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May 21. A day like any other. A day like no other.

Last night, as I was out walking with Beaumont, it struck me what day today is. May 21.

It was on this morning in 2003 that I got the miracle that set me free.

For the final 3 and a half months of an almost five year relationship that had been killing me, I was missing. My daughters, family, friends, even the police didn’t know where I was. And I was too afraid to let anyone know.

I only had one job in those dark days, and that was to be the person he told me I had to be. To do the things he told me I had to do. Say the things he told me I must.

And so I did.

I was lost.

To myself. To those I loved and who loved me. To the world. I was lost.

And then, at 9:14am, on this day in 2003 a police car drove up and arrested the man who’d promised to love me ’til death do us part and was taking the death part into his own hands.

And I let him.

I didn’t want to live. Didn’t believe I deserved to live. I only believed what he told me. I was worthless. Nothing. Garbage. I didn’t deserve to live.

I write those words this morning and I embrace that woman who was so lost. I embrace her and love her and remind her, she is so worthy. Of love. Of joy. Of LIFE.

And my heart knows it’s true. I am worthy.

Recently someone asked me about what they should do about someone they know, not well, but whom they believe is in an abusive relationship. Should I intervene they asked?

I remember my friends who tried to intervene. Their care and concern, their love hurt. How could they still love me when he told me every day how worthless I was? Could they not see their love was wasted on me?

It isn’t just our sense of direction, our knowing of self and our worth that is lost when we are in the darkness of an abusive relatiopship, I told this person. It is our hearing and our capacity to understand that what is happening to us is not happening because we deserve it, or caused it. It’s because the abuser is choosing to use violence and emotional blackmail to ensnare us and keep us trapped in the web of their lies and manipulation and fear.

And in our deafness, even when someone who loves us tells us we deserve a life without the abuser, we cannot hear them because to hear them would mean the love we imagined in those first fairy-tale days of our romance is not true.

It wasn’t until I was released from that living hell that I realized the truth. I wasn’t healing from a love gone wrong. I was healing from abuse.

I was very, very fortunate. Because of friends who did not give up on making sure the police kept looking for me, the police found me and I was set free.

That is not the case for other women. Every 2.5 days one woman or girl is killed in Canada. The majority by someone they know intimtely or well, which is the opposite for men, the majority of whom, the data shows, are killed by casual acquaintances. Source

Today is May 21. It is a day like any other. A day to laugh and smile. To spend time with friends and family. To work. To play. To be free.

And for me, it is a day to embrace the woman within me who once upon a time was so lost she didn’t believe she deserved to live. And in that embrace, to tell myself the truth. I am so loveable and deserving of joy. I am a woman of worth. A woman of integrity. A woman who didn’t just survive an abuser but who has gone on to live her life fearlessly in love with everyone and everything in it, daring boldly to live brave, love fiercely, and dance joyfully in each new day dawning.

I am so blessed.

 

 


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Moving In. Getting Connected.

It is quiet here in this new space in the early morning hours. I sit at the kitchen island, lights dim, music playing softly in the background. Morning is still somewhere over the horizon. Dawn waits as I awaken.

We are settling in.

Yesterday, the installation guy came from Shaw and hooked us up. We had spent the week searching for the modem. Finally found it buried in a box marked, Spare Room. Diane’s stuff.

I don’t know who Diane is, nor what was in her Spare Room but the items in that box didn’t come from our Spare Room.

It was all a jumble.

There is a gift in having movers come in to pack everything up. Less packing equals less strain on my back which equals less pain.  There’s also value in the fact for both the environment and our pocket book that they reuse boxes and give you money back when you return them.

But…

Ah yes, that ole’ butt…

Not scratching out the identifier’s from old users’ rooms and contents and replacing them with ours has made unpacking an… adventure!

I have mostly found all our kitchen things — which is always my priority. It did take until Thursday to find my cappuccino maker (it was in a box marked, Dave’s workroom). Now it’s all set up and I feel ‘at home’.

We are loving our new abode. Loving figuring out what goes where, what needs to go, what needs to have more thought before deciding if it stays. And of course, figuring out where things are!

Our contractor is still working on finishing touches. Friday afternoon he installed the rods in all the closets which meant Saturday C.C. and I unpacked wardrobe boxes and put clothes away.

There are still lots of tools and building debris in the laundry room and downstairs as the contractor finishes off final touches. Once he’s done, this week, I’ll begin the task of organizing the boxes currently taking up floor space in what will eventually become my studio downstairs.

I’m grateful for the counsel of friends, like Iwona, who suggested I think of moving-in as a 6 month timeline. No need to stress about getting it all done today. It’s a process. Not a race.

For now, I shall savour my quiet mornings seated at the island as Beaumont sleeps on the chaise by the window. I bought him a new bed which is on the floor by the deck door, but for now, he prefers the furniture. Marley the Great Cat is finally settling in. He’ll sleep on any spot he pleases but seems to find the desk by the window most welcoming. Though he’s a bit tiffed with me right now as I moved some things around and ‘his’ desktop is now covered with plants and a bowl I’m not sure where to place.

He’ll get over it.

Just as we will get over the anxiety and angst of a move-in to a not-quite-finished renovations home.

Because, no matter the unpacked boxes and the chaotic disorder around us, we are always connected to the Love that fills the spaces between and within our hearts. Like the river flowing past endlessly racing towards the distant sea, it is Love that carries us from this moment to the next, flowing endlessly into the Sea of Love that is always present.

No matter the times, all we have to do to be connected to its deep and abiding grace is to Breathe. and Be.

In Love.

 


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Home again, home again, jiggedty jig.

Do you remember the nursery rhyme, 3 Little Piggies?

It was what was rhyming through my head as C.C. and I left the terminal on Saturday night, bracing ourselves against the onslaught of cold we knew we were about to encounter.

“Home again, home again, jiggety jig,” I said as we stepped from the aircraft into the port leading to the main terminal. “Brrrr!” I added as the cold air rushed at me through the openings where the port joined the aircraft.

“Just think of it as natural air-conditioning,” C.C. joked.

And the lady behind him laughed and said, “Yeah. And you can’t turn it off until May, no matter the temperature.”

019c09882520d689e20cc695a2edcdccd3c6148329_00001We Calgarians love our weather. We love to talk about it, groan about it, wish we could change it. But secretly… Well secretly I think we kind of like it. It makes us who we are. Hardy. Willing to take on anything. Not afraid of the elements. And optimistic (the summer will come, it always does) and maybe a bit pessimistic too. (Don’t worry. Wait five minutes and the weather will change — for the worst probably because you know, it can snow in July in Calgary!)

Yesterday, as I took Beaumont for his walk, I didn’t mind the weather. Sure, it was cold. Very cold. And yes, the slight breeze had a bite. But it was crispy clear and fresh! It definitely reminded me that I was alive. Everyone I met at the park was bundled up against the elements, but they were smiling. Our dogs played and romped and we laughed together and talked about how silly the puppies were being, and the weather, naturally.

I had to laugh when I saw myself all bundled up for the cold. Last week I was trying to strip down to the bare necessities to accommodate the heat and now, I’m bundling up to survive the cold.

And that’s the thing about we humans. We are adaptable. We are capable of adjusting our sails, shifting our perspectives in order to live as gracefully as we can in the circumstances in which we find ourselves today. Because that’s the thing about the weather. You can’t change it. You can breathe into it and find the joy in whatever you’re doing, where ever you are, no matter the temperature, because weather is weather and accepting what is as what it is makes for a more grace-filled life.

After I unpacked and stuffed the laundry basket and tucked my straw hat and sandals away for another day, I tackled the bigger job I hadn’t had time to do before we left for Huatulco. Put away Christmas for another year.

I lit the tree for one last time and began to unrobe it as if preparing it for the heat of summer. As I worked, I was reminded of Christmases past and the many changes my life has encountered over the years. Carefully wrapping the beautiful silvery balls and the decorative birds I cherish, my mind leapt back to the gold filigree ornaments I’d purchase many years ago at the Christkindl Market in Cologne, Germany. I loved those ornaments. The delicate design. The exquisite detail of each curved edge.  I lost those decorations in the aftermath of a relationship gone terribly wrong and for a long time, as I healed from the ravages of what had happened, I missed those ornaments and the life before the ‘bad man’ that they represented.

01fc4974d699cd78e8d81f3d9a2ce71730c8780f85_00001Today, I still remember those ornaments. But I no longer miss them. My life is so full of precious moments, of wondrous adventures and people I love that those ornaments remain gracefully in the past. When they do pop into my mind unexpectedly, I see them in all their intricate detail as a beautiful reminder to cherish what is in the present today.
I grounded myself in my world here at home yesterday. In this place that is filled with people I cherish and a life I love.

I am blessed.

And I do a little jiggety jig in the soft glow of morning and greet this day with joy.

It may be cold outside, my in my heart it is warm and toasty as I am surrounded in Love.

Namaste.

 

 

 


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Mexico bound! Bye Bye winter. Hello Sun

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We are sitting in Terminal 3 at Toronto Airport. It is early morning and I am sleepy. We took The Red Eye out of Calgary just after midnight. We almost didn’t make it. C.C. Got a little confused about the date of our departure. We thought it was tonight!

Fortunately, we realized our mistake early enough in the day to get organized (mostly). Beaumont and Marley are lavishing in the attention of our friend Tamz who is staying at the house while we enjoy ten days in Huatuclo, Mexico.

Decidedly decadent vacation!

Fortunately our return flight is direct to Calgary — this overnight thingy is not at all a restful journey! But that’s okay. We can sleep on arrival and currently, C.C is stretched out over several seats attempting to catch some shut-eye as we Wait out the time  from our arrival at 6am to our departure at 9:30.

I’m glad we’re inside, headed to some warmth, because baby, it’s cold outside. Snowy, Blustery, Blizzardy. Flying in, the visibility was  low. It wasn’t until we were almost over the end of the runway getting ready to land that any lights appeared.

I am grateful for the technology that makes it possible to fly, and land, safely in such dire conditions. Our flight is still on time. Our spirits are bright and the forecast in Huatuclo is sun, sun and more sun. And hot.

What could be better than that?

I’m looking forward to the heat. The sun. The water. The  relaxation. And the chance to spend some chill time with my beloved.

Bye Bye winter.

Hello sun.

Bring it on!

 


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How to get anywhere: Start from where you’re at.

So often we look for the path by thinking we need to know it well before we step on it. We need to get more experience, learn more tricks of the trade, gather up more ideas, investigate more possibilities.

Fact is, the best way to get anywhere is to begin from where you’re at, and keep moving.

But, what if I don’t know where I want to go? you ask.

Start from where you are by asking yourself (and writing the answers down) the follow 3 questions:

  1. What brings me joy?
    • Write a list of all the things you can think of that bring you joy. It doesn’t matter how short or long your list, you need to have at least one thing on it that brings you joy. And, if you can’t think of anything, make finding what brings you joy a priority. Watching the sunrise. Sunsets. Walking in the park. Being with my friends. Running. Skiing. Writing. Volunteering at the animal shelter. Soaking in a bath. Playing my guitar. Taking photographs. Listening to music…
  2. If anything were possible in my life what would I be doing?
    • Write a list of all the things you think you might want to be doing. Write a novel. Sail the Pacific. Work for a humanitarian cause. Be an actor on stage. Find a cure for a mysterious disease. Adopt a child. Adopt a dog….
  3. What’s holding me back from starting on a path to doing at least one of those things?
    • Write another list with all the things that come to your mind — don’t judge your answers. Just write your list. My 9 – 5 job. My family commitments. Lack of money. Lack of education. I don’t know how. I’m afraid. It’s a stupid idea. People will laugh at me if I…

Now, for every thing listed on your ‘what brings me joy list, answer the following question inserting each one of the answers you gave to Question No. 3 ‘What’s holding me back. (write your answer down)

“How does my _[9 – 5 job]____________ hold me back from ____[watching the sunrise]___.

“How does my _[9 – 5 job]____________ hold me back from ____[watching the sunset]___.

“How does my _[9 – 5 job]____________ hold me back from ____[Walking in the park.]___.

There are 2 possible responses here. 1. It does hold me back. 2. It doesn’t hold me back.

Either way, answering the question for each thing that brings you joy will identify your excuses, or the fact you don’t let excuses keep you from experiencing joy.

Cause, here’s the thing. If you know what brings you joy and take steps to experience it everyday, you are already on the path. And if you let your excuses keep you from experiencing joy, once you’ve identified that they are just excuses, stepping onto the path is accomplished by — letting go of your excuses.

Acknowledging that experiencing joy in our lives is not hindered by our list of excuses, helps us connect to the possibilities.

Conversely, we can’t get to ‘possible’ if we’re stuck in believing our life makes possibility impossible. If we believe we can’t do the things that bring us joy — simple everyday things that surround us always and are easily accessible just by doing, we can’t get to the bigger possibilities — because we’re stuck in ‘it’s impossible thinking’. We’re trapping ourselves in messages that say things like, “I can’t do that because…” and then we let the list the 101 reasons why we can’t, go back to school, get a new job, quit our job and travel the world, become our reality.

Our impossible thinking stops us from seeing possibility is always present. To open the doors of possibility, we need to step through our fears through the gateway of joy. From that place of knowing joy in everyday things, we become open to seeing possibility for greater things to be possible.

Start where you’re at. Name what brings you joy and then do the things that bring you joy. Let the path appear as you keep stepping through your fears into joy and possibility.

Namaste.