trusting in myself | Dare Boldly

One of the tools trainees in Choices work on is their ‘contract statement’. A personal I am statement about who and how they need to be to live life outside the comfort of limiting thoughts and beliefs.

My contract is, I am a trusting woman.

Not always an easy thing for me, to trust.

Heck, I could rhyme off a thousand reasons why trusting is not good for my well-being and I’d do my best to convince you every one of them is valid.

Truth is, every one of them is just a limiting belief/thought I hold onto in the misguided belief I’m safer playing small, hiding out and dimming my light.

Truth is, I’m safest when I journey with trusting myself as my guide. When I trust that Love is all around and I trust in myself, in my inner guidance to lead me, and my inner voice of knowing to advise me when to walk away from danger, or walk into the fire and light up my life, my life is full of wonder and awe. Sure, there are circumstances that cause pain, sorrow, grief, trouble, confusion, but when I trust in myself to turn up for me, in all my truth without fearing the outcome, I am safe in the world, safe to be me.

When I turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome, I am truly me.

This morning when I read the guiding thought in the 21 day meditation challenge I’m participating in, My true self can be trusted to guide me, I smiled.

Haha. How to challenge my thinking before I even sink into the quiet. How to ruffle the waters of peace and tranquility before I even dive beneath the surface!

As I sank into the meditation, I became aware of my thoughts racing. Remember when you trusted and… Remember when you believed in another and… Remember…

Yes. I do. But what was then is not what is now. Remembering when I trusted indiscriminately, when I trusted without listening to my true self because I was so busy listening to my false self tell me all the reasons why I needed to trust the untrustworthy, trust without opening my eyes and ears and heart drowns out my voice of knowing. Remembering does not create space for the light to shine on my inner wisdom today.

I am safe when I trust my true self to guide me.

Learning to trust myself and my capacity to live true to my knowing who I am lifts me up. When I believe I can trust my true self to guide me, I am free of fearing the past. Free of fearing what was then will be again. Free of fearing I am not safe in the world.

Living with trust as my watchword, I free myself from playing small, hiding out and dimming my light.

And when I live large, shine bright, the world becomes a trusting, beautiful place to dance in the light of knowing my truth. I am a trusting woman.

On the Wednesday morning of every Choices session, the core team meets for breakfast before the session begins. The conversation centres around what to expect in the next five days, with Mary Davis, the facilitator, sharing any information she needs us to know before the coaching team and trainees enter the room.

Last session, she shared a fear she has and asked if anyone else would be willing to share theirs.

“Sure,” I replied.

I had a big one. This was the first training session where I was 100% responsible for all the work that gets done at the back table in the room. And there’s lots. I’d been helping out over the past few months but had never gone it alone. RM was always there to teach me and to catch any mistakes. This time, I was alone.

“I’m terrified I won’t do the backtable work as perfectly as RM,” I shared with the group. And I laughed. “I know it’s irrational but while my conscious mind knows that I will do my best and everyone will have my back, somewhere within me is the belief, I can’t do it as perfectly as RM. I know the fear is unreal, but it feels real to me.”

Joe Davis, Mary’s husband and co-facilitator reassured me they’d have my back. And of course, now that they knew my fear he and a couple of the other coaches would make sure to tease me about it throughout the week.

And they did. Tease me. Lots.

And every time they did, I got to laugh at myself and feel my fear diminish as I saw the path to letting go of my fear was to focus my light on doing my best. My best is good enough and when I believe everyone around me wants me to do my best, my fear fades in the light of trust.

It can be easy for me to get caught in the trap of thinking ‘it’s up to me and only me to get it right’. And if I get something wrong, it’s easy for me to believe, I will be banished, shamed, voted off the island or any other calamity that might happen when I mess up and don’t do it perfectly — or at least right.

My fear isn’t about making mistakes. It’s about trusting others to support me and give me room to grow through my mistakes. It’s about trusting others to turn up in kindness, fairness, love.

In being given the gift of being teased whenever I did make a mis-step, I was given the gift of seeing my fears as what they are — thoughts in my mind that really aren’t based in reality. They’re just based in my critter mind’s need to keep me safe from trusting in others — because the critter believes people aren’t trustworthy. They’ll only let you down. He doesn’t believe they will turn up and be true.

When I give into the critter, I give up on people. And giving up on people, not believing in their worth, value, truth, creates a world of fear in and around me.

And that is not the more of what I want in my life.

Truth is, no one else was expecting me not to make mistakes. They were willing to give me the grace of not doing it perfectly. It was me who wasn’t.

In the end, any mistakes I did make were easily fixed. The training happened. Everyone got to Sunday evening with the paperwork, directions, and tools necessary to complete the training.

And I got to the end laughing at myself and feeling like I really did have a place on the island. I really did belong.