Category Archives: Discovery Seminars

Embracing Imperfection. Living Your Purpose

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If I have a recurring self-defeating pattern, it’s the tendency to isolate myself. Trust has always been a challenge, even before a damaging relationship nearly broke me. Recognizing this struggle, when I first went through the Choices program (the precursor to today’s Discovery Seminars) I crafted a personal contract statement: “I am a trusting woman.” This was less about trusting others and more about trusting myself, believing in my resilience in the face of life’s storms to stand centered in my “I” and not be pulled into the winds blowing all around me.

Over time, my confidence grew, and “trusting” evolved into “brave.” Nearly 20 years have passed since I first learned about the transformative power of contract statements, and still, I recognize the power and need to ask myself in times of fear, confusion, uncertainty – or when the critter voice is whispering “Don’t do that. You’ll make a fool of yourself!” — “What would a brave woman do?” . What a gift to have stayed involved in a program designed to support people in breaking through of limiting beliefs and self-defeating games. Through this journey, I’ve gained deeper awareness of my own self-defeating games as I’ve learned to recognize how they limit my joy and power.

This past weekend, I had the privilege of coaching the final Design segment of the Discovery Program, where participants craft their unique Purpose Statements. It’s a joy to witness their “aha!” moments as they uncover their purpose and put words to the difference they not only want to make in the world – the difference they’ve always naturally been making because of who and how they are in this world. Because the truth is, we are always making a difference in the world around us; where we volunteer, where we play, where we work – where ever we are — because it is in our human nature to make a difference.

I say “aha!” moments because sometimes it takes a bit of effort for someone who is accustomed to hiding their light, to see their difference, and the relief that comes with seeing it is tangible! We’re all human, and our subconscious mind often whispers doubts, telling us we’re not enough, unwanted, or less than those around us—those who seem to have it all together in, what appear from the outside, their perfect lives.

But with nearly 8 billion unique individuals on this planet, how can we define “perfect?” We can’t.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” – Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

That’s where Discovery Seminars comes in. It’s not about achieving perfection or “getting life right.” It’s about embracing the beautiful imperfection of being human and celebrating our incredible human nature, just as we are.

Since my first experience with the program in April 2006, I’ve coached hundreds of individuals in crafting their unique Purpose Statements. And yet, I continue to learn and expand my own understanding of what it means to be me, the gifts I bring, and the endless possibilities that emerge when I step into my power and shine my light so that I let go of limiting how I live my purpose.

Our world needs each and every one of us to shine our brightest, in our own unique ways, if we’re to dispel the darkness that consumes so many lives.

I invite you to explore Discovery Seminars. You’ll be amazed at what you uncover when you embark on a journey of self-discovery, letting go of limiting beliefs and embracing your inherent beauty and power.

Believe me, the truth is – you are inherently beautiful and powerful!

I am a radiant woman awakening others to their magnificence, beauty, and truth.

Discovery Seminars: Are you willing to explore your possibilities?

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Imagine spending five days diving deep into the core of your being, challenging the thoughts and habits that hold you back from joy, growth, happiness, love and so much more.

This past week, coaching at the Discovery Seminars, I did all of that and more. From the lightbulb moments of self-forgiveness to the awakening of personal power and the unfolding of miracles, the journey was full of inspiring moments and transformation.

It all begins for trainees at noon on Wednesday. People walk in with a full spectrum of emotions: reluctance, desperation, hesitation, excitement, and even anger. Some are unsure why they are there or what they are seeking, or have come simply to please their boss or get a loved one of their back. Others are holding onto a last thread of hope they will find a reason to take another next step.

As the days unfold, so dp the stories shared. There are so many moments that stand out for me: someone who walked in skeptical about what was in the room for them realizing their worth. Another finding the courage to release shame by sharing something they’ve never told anyone. Another choosing to forgive themselves; breaking through a barrier that had once seemed insurmountable. These acts of courage and vulnerability became a continuous thread of turning points, transforming the seminar room into a sanctuary of empathy, understanding and loving kindness.

Through guided discussions, reflective exercises, and shared experiences, we delved into the habits and thoughts that trigger unhealthy responses. The process wasn’t just about identifying these triggers but learning how to confront and reshape them.

And then, the fifth day happened. Everything changed. It wasn’t just one event but a culmination of moments, insights, and revelations that led to this transformation. Participants who had walked in carrying the weight of their pasts were now looking forward with determination, their faces and hearts alight with hope. Others found a friend to lean on. Others a shared experience to grow through. Others a glimmer of possibility to take in and nurture its flame.

For me, one of the most beautiful momments is always watching the trainees say goodbye. When a group of strangers gathered on Wednesday, they held themselves separate. Now, in their goodbyes, it’ss clear that the bonds formed were unique and profound. They weren’t just leaving with new friends; they were leaving with a new perspective on life. The power of hope was palpable, urging everyone to not let the lessons fade but to actively apply them in their pursuit of a life free from past regrets and pains.

I spent five days in the Discovery Seminars room last week. I am changed. I am inspired.. I am grateful.

So, here’s my challenge to you:  Are you willing to reflect on the habits and thoughts that may be holding you back? What if… you decided to confront the habits and thoughts that are keeping you playing small in a supportive, transformative environment like Discovery Seminars? What if… you decided living at a 6 isn’t enough — and to find your 8 or 9 or 10, you choose to explore something new? What if… you decided you’re worth fighting for?

Fact is, on Wednesday at noon, few people walk into the Discovery Seminars room eager to dive into the essence of what drives them to do the things they do that keep them falling down, beating themselves up, or playing small.

And yet, on Sunday, people always walk out grateful they did.

If You Dare Nothing

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If You Dare Nothing
by Louise Gallagher

If life were a poem
would you dare
to dance on rainbows?

If life were a song
would you dare
to sing the morning awake?

If life were a canvas, 
would you dare 
to paint the sky vivid green?

And if life were a story
would you dare
to paint your dreams alive?

If in your life you dare
nothing,
ask yourself, Why Not?

This past Sunday marked a milestone in my life; I mustered the courage to sing in front of a group of over 150 people.

This wasn’t just a spontaneous act. It was the realization of a dream I had nurtured for nearly two decades. Seventeen years, to be precise. And while it may have taken me longer than I initially thought, I’m reminded that the timeline of dreams is less significant than the perseverance to pursue them.

At the age of 16, I had a taste of the spotlight when I won second place in a talent contest. My big brother, ever the protective sibling, perhaps feared that success might go to my head. So, as we walked home after my performance, he sought to ground me with a reminder: that in his eyes, I couldn’t sing, and to him, I appeared as nothing more than a silly little girl. He even went so far as to suggest that the audience were on his side and thought so too..

I tried to brush off his words with laughter and feigned indifference. “I’m going to sing regardless,” I defiantly claimed. But internally, I was shattered. His words held weight, and I retreated from singing in public.

Four decades would pass before I would confront that memory again. Seated in a seminar room on a Sunday morning, I watched another trainee stand up and sing in front of an audience. I wasn’t listening to their skill or pitch. I was mesmerizedby their bravery.

And in that moment, a dormant dream reawakened. I wanted to reclaim my voice, not for the sake of singing perfectly, but to heal that wounded young girl’s spirit and prove to her that she is worthy of her dreams.

So, on this past Sunday, in the Discovery seminar room where I had encountered my shattered dream almost twenty years ago, I sang. I sang not for validation but as an act of personal liberation. It was a triumphant stand, my declaration of independence, against a belief that had held me back for so long: the mistaken notion that I didn’t deserve to see my dreams realized.

My song that day? The very one I sang all those years ago – Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now.”

It was a full-circle moment, symbolizing that while perspectives change over time, dreams – when pursued – can truly come full circle.

Ain’t Life Just The Best!

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Autumn days slip in with practiced ease. I am as practiced at resisting as Autumn is at falling.

The tips of leaves turn burnished orange and gold. The tendrils of my mind push back thoughts of winter days to come.

I want to linger in this shoulder season of summer turning into Autumn. I want to push back against the earth’s orbit to create a longer season for summer’s lingering breath.

I am as powerless against pushing back against earth’s orbit as I am at willing The Seasons, The Weather and Mother Nature to do my bidding.

And still, I imagine the possibilities.

Such are the foibles of my human mind.

I want to believe I am powerful beyond all measure while knowing I am only as powerful as I am willing to allow myself to be seen and known as who I truly am.

I only have power over, within and of me.

I remember as a child wishing I had the power to stop my parents arguing. To will my mother into happiness.

I tried. I wanted to be the good girl she needed me to be. I failed a lot.

I pushed. I wanted her to see me as I was, not as who she wanted me to be. I became who I am because to be who she wanted me to be forced me to figure out who I am. It was impossible to be someone else when I didn’t know where I was starting from.

Ahhh. The silliness of being human.

We want to be ‘somebody’ as easily as a leaf is itself yet resist Mother Nature’s urgings to simply BE. Here. Now. Present.

Without resistance. Without pushing back. Hanging on. Clinging to or Holding out.

Summer days give way to Autumn. I give way to ruminations of being myself, just as I am. Here. Now. Present..

Ain’t life just the best?

____________________________________

If the question, “Who am I?” intrigues you, if you’re interested in diving deeper into your essence to discover your incredible power to be truly yourself, check out DISCOVERY SEMINARS. The five-day program (plus two weekends) begins tomorrow here in Calgary.

It’s an amazing journey of discovering your true beautiful, magnificent self.

And no, I don’t get paid to say that. I just know what the seminar has created for me and want others to experience for themselves the absolutely joy of coming alive to their own magnificence!

Awash in Gratitude

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This past weekend was overflowing with illumination and personal understanding, courtesy of Discovery Seminars and my choice to step outside my comfort zone to explore what’s possible beyond its limitations.

I first took a leap of faith into the world of Discovery Seminars back in April 2006. At the time, I didn’t know I was about to plunge into a four-and-a-half day journey of introspection, ready to challenge my self-limiting beliefs and the self-defeating games that consistently made me live smaller than I deserved. I thought I was doing it for a friend who had asked me to support them on their journey.

It was nothing short of a mental revolution.

Those four and a half days, plus the following two weekend sessions, opened a realm of possibilities for those of us who were skeptical about change and stubbornly wished that everyone else would change while we remained the same.

Back in 2006, this life-altering experience was known as ‘Choices.’ However, the pandemic prompted a rebranding and rejuvenation, transforming it into an even more potent opportunity for self-discovery.

To quote a former boss of mine, “Change is here to stay.” And, while the people at the front of the room have changed, and some of the processes have been refreshed and reworked, the biggest change remains what happens to those who walk through the doors to discover that, while change may be an inevitable part of life, it doesn’t have to dictate our path. We possess the power to take charge and shape our own journey through it.

For me, a significant change this weekend  came through my Saturday morning contribution to the seminar.

Ever since my early thirties, I have championed movement as a form of meditation or therapy, having been inspired by Gabriel Roth’s 5 Rhythms practice during a week-long course where, guided by a certified 5-Waves practitioner, we explored the fundamental principles of this practice and learned how to impart its gifts to others.

Years rolled by with me actively participating in and leading workshops on the 5 Rhythms. But, somewhere in my late fifties, I found myself retreating from group practices. I still danced and practiced embodied movement alone in my studio, but I distanced myself from the communal experience.

This past Saturday, however, marked my return to leading a session, and it was profoundly moving.

For 40 glorious minutes, about 40 of us, all of whom were participants in the Discovery Seminar, allowed our bodies to inform our movements in sync with the music I had curated for the session.

The beauty of embodied movement lies in its ability to connect us with the deep, healing silence of stillness. Throughout the session I only provided a gentle guidance to shift with the rhythms of the music (the 5 waves), allowing each individual to move at their pace, dancing their personal dance with the rhythm.

“Everyone and everything is welcome in this space,” I assured the group before we began. “There are no right or wrong steps. There’s no singular way to move or to feel the rhythm. The only guiding force here is the way your body yearns to move, the path it chooses to guide you along.”

It was an utterly liberating experience to witness over 40 individuals, fully immersed in their personal journeys, moving with their bodies’ calling, and defying the inner voices of self-doubt whispering discouragements like, “You’ll look silly,” or “You don’t know what you’re doing!” These are the devious hissings of our ‘critter-mind’ pulling us into playing small, encouraging us to hide from the light of our own magnificence.

The freedom to move according to your body’s calling, to delve deeper into its core, is an experience that’s profoundly liberating and healing.And gratifying. To have a participant tell me they hadn’t felt peace like that in a long, long time, filled my heart with joy.

I am awash in gratitude. Leading that workshop was a beautiful awakening to what is truly possible when I let go of the things I tell myself are no longer so.

I am grateful for CH and BM for trusting me, even when they had no idea what the workshop was about. I am thankful to those who turned up to listen to their bodies calling them to move to their own beat and their encouragement to ‘Do this again.” I am grateful for the music and the rhythm of life that moves me to dance.

I am so blessed.

Namaste.

A Father’s Legacy

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I have always had a deep love for reading. As a child, I was envious of my, next to me in age, older sister who had the privilege of going to school before me. Determined to catch up, I would insist that she teach me to read while she did her homework each night at our kitchen table.

There was something magical about learning how letters formed words that held meaning and joy in making sense out of sentences woven together with those meaningful words.

Many evenings, when my father was home, he would pull out the dictionary and challenge us with the definition of unfamiliar words. As I grew older, my siblings and I would gather with our father around that same kitchen table to play Scrabble, a game that further deepened my love affair with words.

A while ago, after my mother’s passing, I stumbled upon a big tin box of papers she had carefully preserved over the years. Among them, I discovered one of my father’s small black notebooks where he had diligently recorded our Scrabble scores. There, in his scrawling handwriting, I found evidence of my passionate connection with words. My father, who never believed in letting me (or anyone else for that matter) win, inevitably emerged as the victor in every game. However, scattered throughout the notebook, I discovered occasional victories of my own, moments when I had managed to best him.

My father is the root of my love for words and writing. A man of few words himself, he used writing to express the emotions his heart did not know how to speak.

When I moved from Europe to Canada in my early twenties, my father’s letters were the lifeine that connected me to ‘home’. Over the years, he began to shift from letter-writing to recording casette tapes where both he and my mother would chat together as if I was at the table with them. Inevitably, they also shared menus and recipes.

My father’s love of all things culinary is the root of my love of cooking.

Someone mentioned to me the other day that I don’t often write or speak about my relationship with my father.

They’re right.

Challenge is, I didn’t have an answer to the next part of their question, “Why is that?”.

I wasn’t close to my father. I don’t think anyone could be. Some of our lack of closeness may be because for many years, I held my father on a pedestal and it’s hard to be close to anyone when you can only view them from afar. It could also be because the walls around his heart were so high and impenetrable, breaking through (and believe me, I tried a lot) left me feeling like Sisyphus rolling his giant boulder up the hill again and again, never to reach the top.

But here’s the thing, not having an answer doesn’t excuse me from my responsibility to explore that relationship to understand its role in forming who and how I am in this world today.

My father was a complex man. Undoubtedly, our relationship influenced many of my choices in partners. While I always seemed drawn to those who were emotionally distant and strong-willed, they also needed to possess intelligence, generosity, quick-wittedness, and a love for reading. And if they happened to enjoy playing Scrabble and spending time in the kitchen, it was an added bonus!

Our parents play an integral role in who we become and how we see the world and our role in it.

My father taught me to not be afraid to rock the boat. That accepting ‘status quo’ was just another way of settling. He taught me the value of a human being is not because of their skin colour, faith, pedigree or wealth, it’s because they’re the same kind of different as us. He taught me to be welcoming to everyone at the dinner table, and to make room for those who have no other table to sit at.

During our countless walks along the Rhine River on peaceful Sunday mornings, he instilled in me an appreciation for all creatures, both great and small. He helped me see the wonder and awe in nature’s grand displays of bold colors as well as its quiet, leafy beauty. He encouraged me to listen to the melodies of birdsong and discover the rhythm of my own heart amidst the gentle thrum, thrum, thrum of barges gliding along the river.

He taught me the art of baking bread, exploring recipes and new ideas, and the value of curiosity in seeking answers to the countless questions that arise within my mind.

And he taught me how to love life, fiercely.

I was 42 years old when my father died of a massive heart-attack almost almost 28 years ago. It’s time I got to know him better now.

___________________________________

PS. If you are interesting in exploring your relationships with those who played a role in making you who you are today and want support in taking that journey in a safe, loving and courageous space, Discovery Seminars has room at their table for you.

Status Quo and Other Steady Spaces

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Have you ever found yourself thinking, “Let’s just keep things the way they are”? It’s easy to fall into the comfort of the status quo, where everything feels familiar and safe. After all, why change or fix something if it isn’t broken or working just fine, right?

But then, life happens. Unexpected events occur, and suddenly, everything is turned upside down.

It’s during these interruptions that we face a crucial choice: do we resist change and cling to what we know, or do we confront our fear of change and embrace new possibilities?

Maintaining the status quo is like finding your balance on a boat. When the waters are calm, there’s no need to question your steps. But when the seas get rough, you have to adjust your stride, find stability, and hold on tight.

Don’t get me wrong, the status quo has its benefits. It gives us space to breathe and assess our surroundings. But if we look closely, we may discover pockets of unease or areas where our lives have become overgrown with dissatisfaction.

Yesterday afternoon, a group of strangers walked into the Discovery Seminar Room to explore how the status quo is holding them back from living their best lives yet. For some, all it will take is a shift in perspective to see their lives and surroundings in a new light. Others will need to dig deep, challenging the limiting beliefs that are keeping them stuck in the past.

For all, it will be a journey into self-discovery where they uncover the incredible beauty of their human essence. Because, no matter where they go with their own personal discovery journey, in the end, they will all find a beautiful truth—they are worthy of love, deserving of joy, and free to take this adventure of life unhindered by regrets or the baggage that was holding them back from living the life of their dreams.  

In all our lives, the status quo we cling to so tightly is often the very barrier preventing us from experiencing a life filled with passion, joy, deep, meaningful relationships, inner peace and self-acceptance.

So, the next time life throws you a curveball, consider letting go of the familiar. Embrace change as an opportunity to uncover your true potential and live a life that resonates with authenticity and fulfillment.

Remember, change may be challenging and purposefully setting out to discover the things that may be holding you back in life may feel daunting, but it opens doors to a world where you can truly, madly, deeply fall in love with yourself.

And loving yourself truly, madly, deeply is the gateway to life unbounded!

Proud Mary

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In 2006, after my youngest daughter took the Choices seminar, following her
sister and I who’d gone through earlier the same year, we would always go to
the Family Dance on Saturday night.

It became our tradition.

As did, dancing to Tina Turner’s – Proud Mary.

The music would start, the girls and I would step into the middle of the dance floor as
everyone formed a circle around us. Nice and easy. Movin’ and groovin’ Rollin. Rollin’. Rollin’. as the music sped up and Tina belted out the words of the song. Nice and rough.

By the end, and it’s a long song, 100 people would be gyrating wildly to the
pounding music as we pulled the rest of the room onto the dance floor with us.

Out of breath. Hearts pumping. Smiles wide. We danced and laughed and flung
our heads back and twisted and turned our bodies as we lifted our arms into
the air, fist pumped the air above our heads and gave our all to the music and
Tina Turner’s urgings to keep Rollin’ Rollin’ Rollin’.

At the end of the song, the three of us would hug and lean on each other as
we stood celebrating six minutes of wild dancing as if no one was watching.

People were watching. Our Proud Mary ‘routine’ became a staple of the dance.

It was wild fun. A moment in time that stood still as we moved into the
empty spaces of our bodies and filled every cell with the exhilaration of wild,
abandoned movement.

Over time, as one daughter moved away and the other became involved in other
areas of her life and had less time to come to the dance, I would still dance
it with anyone in the room. But our Proud Mary moments together at the dance
past on.

Yet still, we carried the rhythm and the music with us. We danced it at C.C.
and my wedding, at karaoke one night where a group of “just us women” had gone to
celebrate my eldest daughter’s upcoming nuptials. In fact, that night, as the
three of us were prancin’ and a dancin’ (the youngest daughter and I always let
her older sister hold the mic – she knew how to use it well) a friend text his
sister, who was at the party with us, to say he’d just received a text from a
group of guy friends who were at the same pub where the girls and I were dancing to
Proud Mary. The friend, not knowing the relationship between us and his friend,
sent a video of the three of us with a comment about how his friend was missing
out! There were crazy women performing Proud Mary!

At my eldest daughter’s wedding, she and her sister slipped away to don
white mini-skirted fringydresses, a la Tina, and when they returned, the music
started, nice and easy, and the three of us started to dance, Rollin’. rollin’. Rollin’. and then, with wild abandon, nice and rough. It’s our schtick.

Proud Mary is my anthem. My call to action. My heartbeat’s yearning.

Once, at a course I was taking, each of the 20+ participants were assigned a
song they had to sing and dance to, alone, in the middle of the floor, with
about 40 to 50 people watching. The facilitator did not know my connection to
Proud Mary — but there it was, the song she picked for me, the song she felt I
needed to embody to stretch myself beyond the comfort of my known way of being
in the world.

The facilitator was very wise. She knew the dancing part wasn’t my stretch.
It was the living into the legacy of Tina Turner I needed to embrace. To keep
rising up, claiming my right to be powerful. wild and free..

Whenever I’m asked, “who do you admire and if you could, would ask to be your
mentor, or to at least sit down and share a meal with you?” Tina Turner is
always at the top of my list, ahead of Madeiline Albright, Gloria Steinem, and
other powerful women.

Tina epitomized rising up from a trauma-riddened past and leaving the
destruction behind. In everything she did and said, in every movement, every
song, she declared her freedom with wild abandon. Her power was in her decision
to walk away and rebuild. To reclaim not just what was lost in her relationship
with Ike Turner, but in living her life to other people’s demands and
expectations.

Frank Sinatra may have sung, I did it my way. Tina Turner lived it.

Thank you Tina for teaching me (and the world) how to live wild and free, being
true to who you are, singing and dancing as if no one is watching, doing it your way.

#ProudMary #TinaTurner

Isn’t Life Grand?

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I woke up feeling lighter this morning. Excited to greet the day.

In the cozy embrace of my bed, I reveled in the serenity and tranquility that enveloped me, basking in a delightful sense of lightness.

Then, I rose and entered our ensuite, and was greeted by the sight of last night’s pep-talk on the mirror.

“Ah, that’s right,” whispered my mind. “You’ve got this.”

A smile spread across my face. Indeed, I do.

For the second night in a row, I had almost talked myself out of writing on the mirror before bedtime. The search for my glass-writing crayons seemed like a daunting task, potentially leading to the upheaval of my studio. But then, a brilliant solution dawned on me—I remembered keeping a set of gold and silver crayons in the kitchen drawer, reserved for those moments when I wanted to help guests keep track of their glasses.

Problem solved.

Mission accomplished.

This morning, I reveled in the rewards of honoring my commitment. And, because I know deep down that “I’ve got this” (primarily concerning the book I’m writing, but with additional benefits as well), after embarking on Beaumont the Sheepadoodle’s first early morning saunter (thankfully, the smoke has diminished, enhancing both the visibility and enjoyment), I strolled into the kitchen and whipped up a batch of scones, four dozen chocolate chip cookies, and tidied away all the dishes—all before 8 am!

What a marvelous way to kickstart my day—feeling invigorated and empowered. It simply required following through on a commitment I made to myself — the added benefit is my beloved has treats to greet him this morning and I have sweet delights to share with a dear friend who recently underwent a knee replacement. The first week of her recovery has been challenging, and now I have the chance to brighten her day with homemade delights infused with love and gratitude for our friendship.

Isn’t life simply grand?

Change: It’s here to stay.

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Do you play self-defeating games?

I do.

I work hard to minimize their presence in my life. The challenge is, identifying the trigger points so that the self-defeating game doesn’t become a sticking point to living wild and free in the moment of now. Expressing myself with integrity, compassion and love. Moving with grace and ease no matter how harsh the winds or scared I feel to get real.

Recently, my beloved and I were deep in a conversation we’d started based on a question we’d drawn from the box of Deeper Talk cards that sits on our island, waiting for us to pull one during dinner every day.

It is a practice we both enjoy (normally – I’ll get to that part in a minute) because as the tagline on the box states, the cards are “A tool for creating lasting and more impactful connections”.

The box contains 150 prompts.grouped under six categories: Dreams. Life Lessons. Exposed. Courage. Beliefs. Self-awareness. (I also use the cards with another writer friend as a daily morning pages writing prompt )

It is this morning’s card from the ‘Exposed’ section that prompted my thoughts on self-defeating games. “What’s your instinctive reaction when someone or something hurts you?”

A very potent question.

I have lots of self-defeating games and with time and practice, I engage them less when triggered by an event or something someone said or did that causes me to want to take Flight. Fight. or Freeze.

Until I don’t.

That night, with that particular conversation, I spiralled quickly from engaging with grace and ease into sticky messiness.

I was not impressed with myself.

I was defensive, argumentaitve (for no reason other than I wanted to have the last word and get him to say, You’re right! How could I have been so wrong? 🙂 )

After we finally found calm waters again, I realized that I needed to go back to what triggered my response.

Why was his assertion about whatever we were talking about causing my pulse to start racing and my mind to start squirming around looking for clever (read – sarcastic) comebacks rather than seeking harmony through listening to understand his position?

It was a bit of an awakening for me.

I realized in my self-reflection (an important component of defeating self-defeating game behaviours) that I am often triggered when I feel he is assuming a position of authority simply because of his maleness.

I recognized that my upset with his behaviour/response to the question had nothing to do with what he was saying or even his behaviour in that moment. It had everything to do with HOW I was perceiving the way he was – both saying and sitting and behaving and appearing — to be a repeat of words and conbditioning from long ago. The long ago being my childhood and into my twenties and even thirties where in the world as I knew it, I came up against the reality of the times where “Father knows best” grated against my belief we are all equal and my right to say and do and be how I want is the same as yours (the man’s) In that world of inequity. It meant all men know best, men hold the power, we women are the weaker sex and therefore, we must do as ‘they’ say — “Shut-up and be quiet. Know your place. Don’t rock the boat.” which underlay the patriarchal assertion that men are right simply because… they are men.

I realize this is not true of all men. However, I continue recognize it as part of our collective consciousness, particularly in the places where women continue to be treated as chattel and objects.

My beloved didn’t say anything ‘wrong’ during our conversation. My self-defeating game was, I have a trigger point based on past experiences and when I reacted instinctively to that trigger being pulled, I went on the attack to assuage my deeper, historic feelings of being less than, not good enough, not listened to, not – a whole bunch of nots that did not add up to my recognizing my own worth.

Yes, we still live in a world where patriarchal structures and our social conditioning continues to allow the inequities of centuries old beliefs and behaviours to undermine our recognition of the worth of all human beings.

In my relationships, my responses to that conditioning are my issue — not my beloveds. The onus is on me to calm the angry voices from the past that rise up when I see him through the eyes of ‘All men…” so that, rather than throwing bombs of discord, I create pathways to harmony, understanding and deeper connections.

Namaste.