Look at me! I’m so human!

Posted on by
2

Imagine you are building a fence. You need to get the fence post into the earth. You dig a hole, grab a great big mallet, stick the fence post in the hole and begin pounding on the top of it.

It moves deeper and deeper into the earth until it becomes so tightly lodged you cannot pull it out.

Good start to building your fence.

Now, imagine that fence post is your self-worth. Imagine that every time you make a mistake or mess something up, you berate yourself for it. Again and again.

Think about it. Pounding away at your self-worth, pushing it deeper and deeper into the ground until you are so firmly lodged in the earth, you cannot pull it out, does not make for flourishing human potential.

It makes you stuck in the ground with your treasures and possibilities buried deep.

And here’s the thing. Fence building requires firmly planted fence posts. So, once you finish pounding on the first fence post, you need to start on the next one in order to have two posts to build your fence.

Building your human potential does not need a fence, nor does it respond well to pounding your worth into the ground.

That behaviour does not inspire greatness. And when you keep doing it to yourself, again and again, all you do is build a fence around yourself made of self-doubt, insecurity, limiting-beliefs and condemnation. And fences made of those things don’t leave much room for your imagination, dreams or spirit to fly free!

Here’s a bonus exercise as a follow-up to yesterday’s What’s in your bank account.

Catch yourself pounding yourself into the earth — As you go about your day, have a small note pad on hand and put an ‘x’ on the page every time you catch yourself judging yourself harshly, calling yourself names, self-criticizing yourself or mocking yourself for something you’ve done.

On the same page, put a check-mark for every time you take a moment to congratulate yourself for doing something well, handling a situation in an effective manner or simply feel good about yourself.

At the end of the day, see which mark you have more of — the checks or the x’s.

It can be telling.

Now, imagine those x’s are pounding your self-worth into the ground.

Yup. It’s time to stop beating yourself down and instead, start lifting yourself up by celebrating you!

LIfting yourself up can be as simple as stopping your self-criticism mid-thought and saying to yourself, “Oh, look at me! I’m so human!” (Smiling while you say it helps too!)

There’s no judgement in acknowledging your humanness. There’s only acceptance.

With acceptance comes the acknowledgement that we are all… human.

And we are all … doing our best being perfectly human in all our human imperfections.

Namaste.

 

What’s in your bank account? (Action 4 – How to build well-being and balance)

Posted on by
2

 

Think of your ‘self’ as a bank and your life as an ‘economy of self‘. Everyday you deposit goodies (love, joy, laughter, smiles, happy thoughts,), you eat good food, consume or create good ideas, take positive actions, make healthy lifestyle choices, and a myriad of good decisions into your bank account. Your investment in your economy of self pays off with a positive bank balance that can weather any storm, any crisis you encounter, including every day withdrawals that deplete your resources of energy, time and money.

Withdrawals come in the form of everyday occurrences such as how you handle traffic jams that make you late, bank machines that are ‘out of service’ when you need them most, an angry partner, a run in your stocking, a soiled shirt, an empty bottle of shampoo when you are half-way through your shower.

Withdrawals are part of the yin/yang of living. How we handle them is what creates our positive or negative balance. Withdrawals deplete our account when we make negative choices. Unhealthy food choices, binges of anger, jealousy, envy, regret, and a host of other emotions — unforgiveness, non-repentance, uncompromising positions that undermine our peace of mind.

Withdrawals can be balanced with ‘goody’ deposits such as love, joy, laughter, sharing a good time with a friend, acts of kindness, volunteering, etc.

As long as deposits outweigh withdrawals, your bank account is healthy and happy. Your economy of self is balanced.

Big picture, when your deposits build resilience, good-will, contentment, balance, you have the resources to trust yourself to weather any momentary blips in the economy of self.

 

Today’s exercise:

Write down the dollar figure $1,000.00 in the middle of the top of a blank page in your notebook.

Beneath it, draw a line to the bottom of the page dividing the page in half.

On the top left side write: Withdrawals On the top right side write: Deposits

Throughout the day, remind yourself to write down a value for every emotion you experience during the day.

Every emotion has a value of $1.00. Doesn’t matter if the emotion is love or anger — it has a value of $1.00 on the Deposit side of the ledger.

Now, if you notice that the anger lasts longer than the momentary ‘noticing’ of it, make a withdrawal. Every withdrawal is valued at $2.00.

For example, you are in a meeting and Joe from the corner office is, as always, late. The thought of Joe being late is a positive emotional deposit — lateness lacks integrity. However, the ‘as always’ component is a negative. Have you ever discussed the importance of punctuality? Have you found a respectful way to tell him about your feelings around his lateness? So, in this situation you have a $1.00 deposit and a $2.00 withdrawal.

As the meeting continues, Joe asks a question about something that was discussed before he entered the meeting. You reply, “If you’d been here on time you’d know the answer.”

That’s a $2.00 withdrawal. There’s no deposit because you’ve already given your emotions around his tardiness a say.

Later on, you go for coffee and Joe is standing in line in front of you. As you walk towards him, you smile, but in your head you think, “Ha. He’s never late for coffee.” That’s a $2.00 withdrawal.

Back in your office, the phone rings. It’s a supplier telling you they’ll be late with delivery. It’s the second time this month. You mention that fact and they apologize, explaining that they haven’t received the necessary components because their supplier is late. You agree on a new delivery date and you hang up. You get a $1.00 deposit because you handled the interaction effectively.

Later on, you are explaining to your boss about the late delivery and complain about the supplier, blaming them for the situation, yada yada yada. That’s a $2.00 withdrawal — and more withdrawals for every time you repeat the story about how they are to blame — like when you get home and tell your partner all about it, complaining about the supplier’s lack of responsiveness. Oh, and you also get a $2.00 withdrawal when you talk about Joe’s tardiness.

At the end of the day, add up each column. Are you in the negative or positive? Look through eyes of wonder at your bottom line and ask yourself, What can I learn? What can I do to change my bottom line? Be open, and joyful. Just in doing the exercise you have created positive well-being for your self.

The purpose of this exercise is to bring to your consciousness the impact of your complaints and critical, negative talk on your well-being.

When you invest time and energy into criticizing, condemning and complaining, you are making withdrawals from your economy of self. You are depleting your resources, running your balance down and creating stress — think about your real bank account. When the balance is depleted, do you worry about how you’ll make ends meet. How you’ll pay for the new tires, the furnace repair, that dress you really want for the Christmas party?

Criticizing, condemning and complaining are energy vacuums. They suck the ‘goodies’ right out of you.

Stop it.

Make a commitment to notice how much you criticize, condemn and complain on a daily basis. Offset the negative with positives. Keep focusing on the positive, on the deposits, and ease yourself away from making too many negative withdrawals. Life has its ups and downs. Someone will inevitably do something to hurt, disappoint, disillusion, betray…. you. It is inevitable.

How you handle the ups and downs makes all the difference in the world to your economy of self. Choose to create a bank account of well-being that is continually balanced with positive ‘goodies’ that will sustain you through any situation that may arise. Keep yourself in the black by continually depositing self-sustaining and enhancing well-being.

The question is: What’s in your bank account?

The stories we tell (Action 3)

Posted on by
4

We all have a story.

Doesn’t matter which side of the street we walk, where we came from or where we think we’re going. We carry our story(ies) about ourselves and our view of the world with us everywhere.

Sometimes, our stories lift us up. Sometimes, they drag us down with their limiting beliefs and perspectives of what is possible, or not, of what we can or cannot do.

Always, we are the story-teller, the story-keeper, the story-creator. Always, we have the power to decide when and where and to whom we tell our story. How often. How loudly. How softly. We decide if our telling is a rant or a song. A dirge or a symphony of joy, of hope, of love.

We decide.

Once upon a time, I had a story. It was the story of  my life happening through my role of being a man’s leading character. To make my story come true, I painted inside the lines of what I thought a relationship ‘should be’, not what I wanted it to be — partly because I didn’t look outside the box to see what I truly wanted in a relationship, and partly because the story I told myself about needing a man to make me complete was so strong, I couldn’t imagine not having a man to make me complete!

I became so attached to my story that I couldn’t see it was killing me. Dragging me down into the pits of despair. Pushing me under. Drowning me.

See, I’d always held onto the notion, buried deep within me, that I needed a man to complete my story. I needed someone else to make my dreams come true. Convinced that story where I was completed by another was the only one I could ever write, I became lost in the land of make-believe, living my story again and again hoping for a different ending. No matter how many prince charmings came riding through, or how quickly they swept me away, or I was washed away on the tides of happily-ever-after, the story was always founded on my belief I needed ‘his’ kiss to awaken me to life beyond my wildest imaginings.

We all have a story.

I’ve awoken to a different story than that sad tale of a woman who believed she needed another to make her dreams come true she almost died in its telling. My story today is one of possibility. Of love that doesn’t need another to make it real because Love always is and I always am. In Love. Loving. Loveable. Loved.

In my story today, I live true to my belief in me and Love. I live true to my desire to be, me. Just the way I am. Always who I am. In Love — with me and all the world around me. Today I am not seeking a happily-ever-after fairy-tale come true. Today, I seek living in the here and now, awakened to all that is true and real and possible in the here and now. The Good. The Bad. The Ugly. The Miraculous and Mystical.

We can get trapped in our stories.

The secret is to step out of the characters we’ve created with their limiting beliefs and capabilities and ask ourselves:

  1. Is this truth or fiction?
  2. Is this story I am telling creating the more of what I want in my life? Is this story I am living a story of possibility, or, is this story bringing me down, further and further, into seeing the future as a repetition of the sadness, worry, unhappiness etc. I am feeling today?
  3. Am I the passive voyeur committed to watching the story unfold, letting it happen without my direction, always repeating the same limitations of my story today?
  4. Am I the active hero/heroine creating the story of my life as I direct each choice I make towards my goals, creating more and more of what I want in life with every passing day?

The task for today is:

  1. Write out three to five things you want more of in your life.
  2. List the limiting beliefs that could stop you from having the more of what you want.
  3. For each limiting belief, write out what holding onto that belief costs you.
  4. List the beliefs about yourself you need to hold onto to have the more you want.

Just for today. Try it. Get excited about you and your life!

Colour outside the lines. Do something you fear. Step outside your comfort zone and leave yourself exposed to creating a new story of your life unfolding where more is possible. The one where the future isn’t a repetition of the past. The one where, the story of your life is a beautiful journey of you being you, experiencing all that is possible when every day you are surprised and enchanted by the wonder and awe you experience by believing in you and living the life of your dreams!

The question is: Are you willing to colour outside the lines? Are you willing to let go of the stories you tell that hold you down and step into the life of possibility that comes with believing in you, yourself and all your dreams?

Can you look at yourself through eyes of wonder? (Action 2)

Posted on by
4

Years ago, I worked in an adult homeless shelter and used these exercises to assist clients to identify roadblocks to their exiting homelessness.

One student, when asked to do the first exercise said, “I have trained myself not to do that — at least not with the negative. I don’t like beating myself up with my negative traits.”

“That’s a great habit,” I replied. “What if, you look at the exercise with eyes of wonder rather than through eyes of blame? What if, you chose to put the emphasis on, what can I learn about myself in embracing the negative?”

“But, if I’m feeling depressed today and project that forward for five years, I’ll really be depressed.”

“If you’re feeling depressed today, how would you rather feel?”

He shrugged his shoulders as if to say, ‘that’s pretty simple’, “Happy.”

“Which feeling is real for you today?”

“Depressed.”

“On the page, which is real next year, happy or sad?”

He looked at me. Down at the page. “Well, neither. I’m here today, not in next year.”

“Right. So on the paper, neither side of the column is ‘real’. Both sides of the page exist because your mind created the words and you wrote them on the page. Neither is real until you make them real. Which do you choose?”

It is all in our choices. If I am unhappy today and don’t want to carry it into tomorrow, what do I choose to do today to create the opportunity for me to change how I feel about what I’m carrying?

I am 100% accountable for my life. I am 100% responsible for my actions, my words, my thoughts, my deeds.

What do I choose? To do. To say. To think. To create.

It is all in my choices.

Today’s exercise focuses on accountability.

Pull out your list from yesterday.

Look down the left side of the page and pick one emotion that you really don’t like. Maybe it’s anger. Or, disappointment. Or, bitterness.

Now, close your eyes, take a couple of deep, deep breaths. Let your mind settle. Let the tension ease away from your body. Imagine a leaf falling gently to the ground. Softly. Gently it falls. Slipping side to side. Side to side. Gently. Softly. Lower and lower. Sinking. Softly.

Think about the word you chose. Open your mind to wonder. Ask yourself, “I wonder what this word wants to teach me? I wonder where the power is for me in this word.”

Sit quietly for a few moments and let your wonder of the word open you up to embracing all it has to tell you.

After a few moments of wonder, open your eyes slowly, take a deep breath, shake your shoulders, pick up your pen and start writing (without censoring) the learning that came into your mind. Let yourself be free of judgement. Let the wonder become visible on the page.

For me, the word I chose was: Bitterness.

As I settled into wonderment, I asked myself, What is it about the word bitterness that does not sit well with me?

I wrote it out and here’s the wonder that appeared on the page:

******************************************

Bitterness makes me think of rancid food. It smells. It dries up. It cracks. I don’t want to be dried up and bitter. I don’t want to become all used up like some old people.

So, this has to do with getting old? Yeah, well, remember dad. He became so set in his ways. So opinionated. I don’t want to close off to learning, to growing, to being open to new ideas, new thoughts. I want life to be a constant journey — of wonder. I want to be filled with wonder at how amazing life is.

Are you?

Filled with wonder?

Yeah, filled with wonder.

I try to be.

Trying is lying.

Oh, right. Well, I’m working on it.

That’s skating around the issue.

I’m scared I will lose my wonder.

What will make you lose your wonder?

My choices.

Right — you are accountable for you. What are you going to do to embrace wonder and let go of judgement, criticism, complaining…

I am going to focus on what I want more of in my life and keep myself free of complaining. I am going to get conscious of where I complain, what I complain about — I am going to be scrupulous with my language. I am going to be filled with integrity.

Great! Now change the language to active, present tense, not passive.

Right! Cool idea.

I choose to focus on what I want more of in my life. I choose to not complain, criticize and condemn. I choose to get conscious of where I complain, what I complain about — I choose to be scrupulous with my language. I choose to act with integrity in everything I do and say and think.

***************************************

In my wonder, I have opened up to the wonderful opportunity to realize a ‘truth’ that has scared me — I fear getting older and becoming like my father — bitter about so many things in the world. And yet, there were so many wonderful things about my father. If I can age and maintain his enthusiasms, I will be doing well. I don’t have to also become rigid in my outlook at life — my attitude is and always will be — my choice!

Give yourself the gift of wonder. Look at the ‘dark side’ of your personality with eyes of wonder and let go of blame or shame or fear or whatever emotion you attach to what you think of as ‘negative’ about yourself. Open yourself up to wonder, and you will be in for wonderful surprises.

The question for today is: Do you choose to explore within yourself with eyes of wonder, embracing the learning that comes when you do not judge yourself but love yourself for all you’re worth?

All of this, and everything better. Happy New Year!

Posted on by
6

Dawn awakens and with it a new year opens up with all its hope, possibilities and promise.

It is a time to flow into, flow with, flow through. Time to hang out, hang ten, hang onto those things which matter the most, and to let go of those things which have no value other than as dusty signposts collected in the past when they held much more meaning than they do today.

It is a New Year. 2018.

A year in which every one of us will grow older. We have no choice in the matter.

Where we do have choice is in the how of our aging. Will we choose to try new things? Explore new ideas? Challenge our assumptions?

Will we choose to grow wiser? Kinder? More vulnerable, open, thoughtful?

Will we choose to expand our thinking? Will we choose to awaken our dreams and take actions to make them real?

Will we choose to live true to ourselves? Will we choose to shine bright? Will we choose Love?

Or will we keep hiding?

For the next four days, I shall be writing about four simple actions we can each take to move beyond the darkness of hiding from our light so that we can shine brightly for all the world to see — there is always possibility. always Love. always a better way.

Day 1:  Make a list

What you’ll need for today’s exercise is a notebook and pen, and a willing mind. Find a comfortable place to sit without any distractions. Light a candle if you like, burn your favourite incense, put on soft music and sit quietly for a few moments sinking into the silence. Imagine you are a leaf drifting to the ground. Slowly. Softly. Gently.

Think about one area of your life where you feel unhappy, dissatisfied, that you’d like to change. Sit with those feelings for a moment and let them really weigh heavily on you. Now, in your mind, move yourself forward one year. Imagine you’re feeling exactly the same. Move another year forward. Feeling the same. Do it, until you can’t move forward any more with those feelings. (You may go three, five, eight, ten years forward. There is no right nor wrong place to get to.)

When you get to that place where the weight of your feelings just won’t let you move forward any more…

Open your eyes.

Open your notebook to two blank pages (left side/right side) and write down, on the left page, how you were feeling at the end of your mental pathway when you got to that point where you could go no further.

Write down everything. Be honest with yourself. Be open.

When you’ve finished writing, draw a line down the middle of the facing right page making two equal columns.

At the top of the left column, write the title:  I don’t want to feel

Below it, write down the words describing your emotions around whatever it is that is making you feel unhappy, dissatisfied, etc. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Pissed off…

Now, at the tope of the right side of the column, write the title:  I want to feel

And write out the emotions that describe how you’d like to be feeling about your life in that area. Happy. Fulfilled. Energized. Fabulous. Content…

At the bottom of the right column, in big bold letters, write: All of this and everything better!

For the rest of the day, focus on All of this and everything better. Tomorrow, we’ll explore what is holding you to the I don’t want to feel side of the page.

The question for today is: Are you willing to shine some light on what ails you? Are you willing to step into the darkness to find your light?

 

What’s your unique expression of Love?

Posted on by
10

On Boxing Day I immersed myself in the creative process. It has been awhile.

What with moving and Christmas and busyness at work, being creative has not been top of my list. When my studio got packed up when we left our old home, I kept telling myself, there’s nowhere to be creative in this rental place, I’ll just have to wait until the renovations on our new home are complete to begin creating again.

What we tell ourselves becomes the truth we believe.

And then, I realized that no matter what I was telling myself, the truth is, I was feeling out of sorts, off-centre, unbalanced. To find my centre again, to feel balanced and calm, I needed to create.

One of my favourite parts of hosting Christmas dinner is making the placecards for each guest. This year, I told myself there simply wouldn’t be any, or alternatively, if we had placecards they would be store bought.

I believed myself until I got out of the trap of my own mind.

Placecards don’t have to be painted, and I can do a lot with a glue gun and some holiday glitter. Add in a little space, and the time to create, and presto! Centredness and balance restored! And individually unique placecards for each of our 22 guests created!

And in the process, I got to delight in the thing I love to do — being immersed in the creative process.

Yesterday, as I set the table for our dinner tonight, my thoughts wandered into the wondering terrain of why I love to do dinners like this. In all the craziness of this world, and the busyness in my life, why do I find so much joy in gathering people I care about together in celebration?

It is my unique expression of my love, gratitude and appreciation of those people near and dear to me who create such richness and bring such joy to my life.

We each have our own special way of expressing ourselves, and when we give into speaking our own special language, we come home to our heart. From our heartspace, we are free to express ourselves, and our Love, creatively and freely.

Creating memorable moments is my love language. Being creative is at the core of who I am. Creating time and space to immerse myself in the creative process is my road back to myself where I am free to express my love in my own special way. In love, I delight in gathering people together to share a meal, good times, laughter and fun.

What’s the unique love language of your heart? How do you create time and space in your life for your unique expression to be seen/heard/known/felt? How do you find your balance amidst the craziness of life? How do you express your Love?

 

The here and now: the greatest teacher

Posted on by
4

All that is present is the greatest teacher of all that is within me.

When I ask myself, “What is yearning to be known in this that is here right now?” I open the door to my own growth and understanding.

When we deny ourelves the asking, we deny ourselves our own truth. And when we deny our own truth, we stumble blindly in the darkness seeking answers in all the wrong places.

Namaste.

____________________________

PS — the internet in our rented condo is intermittent. This morning, it took a break and now, I  must run off to a meeting to get the keys for the community hall we have rented for tomorrow night’s festive feast with family and friends.  The nice thing about unexpected interruptions is it gives me pause to reflect — and write brief! 🙂

Wishing you a wonderful, awe-inspired day.

 

Can you hear the stories of the heart? Listen

Posted on by
4

It is Christmas night and we are on our way to a dear friend’s home for dinner.

Our Uver driver is very talkative. He tells us about the job he lost last April. About the boss who was unreasonable. About the pride he took in his work and how he still appreciates running into old customers who tell him how much they miss him. He tells us all about his Christmas. About his girlfriend of five years who works security and walks 40,000 steps a day and how they celebrated Christmas on the weekend as if it was the actual day. About their thought process around possibly moving to a bedroom community soon and about his girlfriend’s 19 year old son who is mostly too busy to spend time at home.

In our 15 minute drive to our destination, he told us lots about his life, and his heart. It is a beautiful heart. Kind. Caring. And still, there was a sound of yearning in his stories. A sense of wanting more, or perhaps a feeling he is missing out on something he can’t quite define. He’s been in Canada fifteen years. It was a woman who brought him here. She had a ‘spending’ habit he told us. Left him five years after he immigrated for a man who didn’t try to curtail her habit but was willing to pay to keep it going.

Yesterday, while paying for the things I needed to make my Christmas dinner nametags for our family and friends feast on Friday, the woman at the check-out told me how she spent her Christmas. How it was just her and her cat and a neighbour who dropped by for a cup of cheer on his way to friends. She wished she had a dog – I’d been at the park and forgotten Beaumont’s leash was strung around my neck when I ran into the store. She wanted to know what kind of dog I had and told me how she used to have a Bichon mix. She cried for a week when he died, she told me. And now, her landlord doesn’t allow dogs. Just cats. She loves her cat, but she’s not the same as a dog, know what I mean? she asked.

As I gathered up my bag, she pulled out a multi-coloured feather duster from underneath the counter and started to sweep her counter space clean. “I can’t wait for this season of glitter to be gone,” she said as she dusted away the gold glitter that had fallen from the decorative branches I’d bought with the deftness of time sweeping away memories of Christmases past.

Stories of the heart. They shimmer in the light of accidental encounters, of fleeting conversations with a stranger, of quiet murmurings with loved ones and kin. They stretch across time’s unending passing connecting us heart to heart. As long as we are listening.

They bubble up in words salted with longing, dripping with regret, sighing under the weight of yearning, soaring on the wings of hope and possibility born in the heart’s murmurings for more. Connection. Belonging. Knowing of one another.

And always, they tell of what is true within us. What is important. What weighs our hearts down. What sets our spirits free.

As you go about your day, listen for the stories of the heart of everyone you meet. Listen deeply and honour their telling with your presence.

In your presence the stories will shine and the world will be a little brighter, and every heart will feel a little less alone in its shimmering beauty.

 

Good tidings of comfort and joy

Posted on by
2

This has been a Christmas of letting go and letting in (and letting out of waistbands too!).

It was the first Christmas for both C.C. and I to not have any of our collective four children with us on Christmas Day. Ever.

As a friend suggested when I mentioned this unusual circumstance, “Get used to the new normal”.

Along with our children not being here, there were lots of other differences this Christmas. Most of them came about because of changes in our living space — we are in an ‘in-between’ home as we finish off renovations to our new home. In the flurry of selling and moving out of our old home, finding temporary accommodations and figuring out what we’d need for the two months of temporary displacement, I lost track of time and dates and all sorts of things. To find my balance and my way, I had no choice but to be present with whatever came my way — either through mistake, planning or happenstance!

For all its differences and unexpected delights and pre-planned pleasures, it was a beautiful Christmas.

That’s the thing about tradition. You don’t know what else awaits until you let go of what always was and open the door to what’s possible.

And that’s the thing about beauty. It is always present. In the familiar and unfamiliar. In the old and the new. In the well-worn and the untried. It is always present.

We tired a new way of doing Christmas this year and while there was not the comfort of the old, there was joy.

And along with joy, there was laughter, good times, good friends, and Love. And still more to come as we prepare to gather around the dinner table with our four children, family and friends on the 29th. It may be four days after Christmas, but it will still steeped in the comfort and joy of being together with so many special people.

Wishing you and yours a restful Boxing Day and a week of good tidings of comfort and joy as you prepare for the new year waiting just beyond the horizon.

Namaste