The Unguarded Heart

Where does one thought end and the next begin? Is there a clear separation between them? Or do thoughts blend together, much like early morning ponderings, clamoring for attention and struggling to make sense of overwhelming thoughts that seem too vast to grasp?

Several years ago, as part of my work at the Homeless Foundation, I organized an information session in a community where we aimed to build 30 units of affordable housing for individuals with a history of homelessness.

However, the community did not want us there. While their resistance to the project was not unusual, their actions to impede the permits required for construction were unexpected.

On the night of the information session, a crowd of 150 people showed up, mostly in opposition to the project. Understandably, few who supported the initiative attended. The naysayers were highly vocal and the atmosphere among the angry crowd was unpleasant.

Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse when the crowd transformed into a mob. They raised their fists in the air, shouting and chanting, “We don’t want you here! We don’t want you here!”

Since one of the leaders had been speaking to me just moments before the mob formed, they surrounded me and directed their chants towards me.

In that moment, I intellectually understood that their anger, raised fists, and “We don’t want you here!” were not personal attacks on me. Outwardly, I remained calm, instructing my co-workers to pack up our signage and materials, and informing the crowd that we had heard their concerns and would be leaving so they could talk among themselves.

Their immediate response was to yell back, “You can’t leave. You have to tell us what we need to do to prevent the construction in our community.”

The only response I could give them was, “I don’t have your answers. You need to work on finding them yourselves.”

For many reasons, we ultimately decided not to proceed with that project.

Here’s the thing: though, that incident triggered a deeply ingrained limiting belief within me. It was one of those messages that I internalized during my childhood, not because the people around me explicitly said, “you don’t belong here,” but rather due to the confusing and unsettling experiences I encountered as a child. I interpreted those experiences as a sign that something was wrong with me, that I didn’t fit in or belong within my own family.

Healing that broken place within me has been a lifelong journey. It has required conscious practice of self-love and acceptance, therapy, workshops, extensive writing, and an ongoing commitment to embracing my true self. I strive to be a person who is loving, kind, caring, compassionate, and thoughtful of others, ensuring that my words and actions do not cause harm to the world and those who inhabit it.

My wise daughters have often remarked that I guard my heart, and while there may have been valid reasons in the past, living with a guarded heart is not how I wish to exist in this world.

I desire to live with my heart beating wild and free, capable of love, deep emotions, and experiencing all of life’s beauty, light, and darkness, fully.

Which is why, when faced with moments that tempt me to once again shield my heart and withdraw, I remind myself of the woman who confronted a mob and summoned the courage to face her inner demons, enabling her to live a life unencumbered by fear and full of love.

In each of our lives, there are moments when we unintentionally, and perhaps sometimes intentionally, say or do things that cause harm to others or ourselves. We are all fallible humans, carrying our own wounds and scars, grappling with unease and unexpected eruptions of pain.

Just like me, you too have experienced the sting of loss and the agony of betrayal. And, just like me, you too strive to be the person you aspire to be in this world. You seek the joy of being loved, loving others, and feeling a sense of significance and belonging.

Living with an open heart means listening to the wisdom it imparts. Despite what my critical inner voice may suggest, my wise heart recognizes that my belonging is not contingent upon the actions and words of others. It is rooted in my deep belief that I am a courageous woman who endeavors to touch hearts with gentle and loving hands, to broaden minds with caring and compassionate thoughts, and to live by the truth I hold dear.

No matter the circumstances, regardless of what others say or do, irrespective of how lost or confused I may feel or how tumultuous the storms around me become, I firmly believe that love is the only answer.