Category Archives: Essential Journey

If you don’t like your life today, paint over it.

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The Long View 26" x 32" Acrylic on board 2016 Louise Gallagher

The Mystery of Seven Archangels
26″ x 32″
Acrylic on board
2016 Louise Gallagher

It happens every time. No matter what painting I’m working on, there comes a point where I just want to ditch it all. To throw it out. To forget about it and move on to something new.

Sometimes, the critter’s call (you know, that nasty voice inside that likes to call you a loser and all sorts of other names) is so strong, I ponder the merits of giving up painting all together. Really? Who am I trying to kid? I have no talent. It’s all just a waste of time — and anyway, I’m running out of wall space! Give it up already!

I have learned to breathe, to take a moment to reflect and centre myself so that the critter’s call becomes less strident. In the silence, my voice of calm rises above its cacophony to remind me why I love to paint — it’s not about getting to the end of the painting. It’s about savouring the creative journey.

Years ago, when I first fell in love with painting, my eldest daughter taught me an invaluable lesson.

If you don’t like it, paint over it.

Painting over it has become part of my creative process.

In the painting over process, the underpainting informs and illuminates the final. The textures and colours of what is beneath enhance what becomes the finished project.

Like life, painting over is not about erasing all that came before. It’s about using what came before to enhance what is happening now. It’s about learning from what happened in the’ there and then’ and allowing it to inform what is unfolding in the ‘here and now’.

Yet, no matter how many times I have painted over only to discover something I like even more than the original, I still hesitate at the moment of applying a coat of white to mask what was there.

I worry. I stall. I ruminate on it all. My mind veers off into, ‘you’re a loser’ territory, wanting me to believe I just can’t do it.

Silly mind.

Doesn’t it know I’ve recognized the critter’s voice?

Doesn’t it realize that no matter how insecure or indecisive I might feel in the moment, once I take a breath, fear loses its power to drive me into hiding as courage draws me out with its instinctual impulse to create?

The painting above began as an experimentation in texture. Hidden behind the clouds are the names of the seven archangels which are spelled out with wooden letters and affixed to the canvas with molding paste.

I had a vision for the painting, but it just wasn’t working.

I kept painting and still, the names of the archangels didn’t make sense.

I was very attached to my vision though and didn’t want to let it go.

But still, the painting wasn’t working. I clung to my attachment.

Finally, after weeks of the canvas hanging around the studio without my touching it, I decided to let go of my attachment and dig into the creative impulse. I took a breath and began to cover up the words with more molding paste.

I kept painting.

It is all part of the process.

In my original vision for the painting, the names of the seven archangels were visible. They were the painting.

Now, hidden behind the clouds, they remain part of the painting, but not the focal point. Yet, like in life, their mysterious presence remains part of the mystery, shimmering in the light of grace, adding context and texture — whether we know or believe they are there or not.

I’m still not sure if I’m finished creating with this painting or not. What I am sure of is in allowing the creative process to unfolding, in painting over, I continue to delve into what makes life so mysterious and divine.

It is all part of the journey where, if I don’t like the way my life looks today, I have the power to create something different simply by changing my perspective and seeing it through another lens.

And sometimes, that means, painting over what was there so that I can see what is possible when I don a brand new pair of glasses.

 

#tbt Making ‘No’ into ‘Yes’?

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There are only two words that will always lead you to success. Those words are yes and no. Undoubtedly, you’ve mastered saying yes. So start practicing saying no. Your goals depend on it! Jack Canfield

When I was a little girl, growing up in the 50s and 60s, ‘No’ was not an acceptable response.

Don’t be difficult.

Be nice.

Quit making trouble.

These were the responses to my ‘no’.

So I learned to say yes. Yes I’m okay. Yes I’ll do that. Yes. I’ll be there. Even when I meant no.

Believing I always had to say yes taught me to be accommodating. It taught me to accept the unacceptable. It taught me to lie and manipulate. To undermine myself and others. Not believing I had the right to say no taught me to disregard my needs and always put other’s needs first.

Not saying no taught me to disregard my dreams, my voice, myself.

Now, I’m not saying it’s not important to consider others needs or to say yes when appropriate. As a mother, being able to say yes was invaluable. Yes meant my daughters and I wandered under clear blue skies, examining every petal of a flower, picking up worms and moving them from the sidewalk to the grass so they wouldn’t get squished. Yes meant leaving the dirty dishes on the table to go outside and explore the rain. It meant dancing around fires and singing about witches in the backyard, and hurling eggs at the firepit to work anger out.

Yes lead to lots of adventure.

But, saying yes when I wanted to say no caused confusion.

My daughters would ask for something. I’d say yes, think about it and come back with a no. “But you said we could!” was a running theme in our house. And my response, “I’ve changed my mind,” only added confusion.

Where the yes that was meant to be a no had the most damage though was within myself. I’d commit to doing something for someone when really, I didn’t have the time, nor the interest to do it, and then, rather than actually confess to my misguided direction, I’d stall, hide, not do, and even lie about why I hadn’t got it done.

Yes has not been my friend when it comes to managing my own time, and my dreams.

But I still don’t like — NO! And I don’t want to do things I don’t like to do anymore.

Which is why, I’m moving into YES! in a whole new way.

I’m moving out of yes I’ll do it because you asked into Yes! I will take the time to consider your invitation and tell you the truth about what I want to do. And, no, I don’t mind that you have to wait for my answer. I’m okay with thinking long and hard about what I’m doing, why I’m doing it and whether or not I want to do it in the first place!

I’m moving into yes I am willing to do what it takes to live the life of my dreams, and getting out of saying yes to all the flotsam floating by enticing me out of my no, I don’t have time or interest or desire for that.

What I’ve learned in life is that my yes has put a no on so many things I want to do I’ve run out of ways to say yes when I mean no!

Saying yes because I thought it was required has meant I haven’t turned up for me and my dreams.

And I’m not prepared to do that anymore. I’m not prepared to waste my time saying yes to all the things I don’t want in my life, and don’t really want to do when my No is waiting for me get into action and be present in my life so that I can say YES to living this one wild and precious life in the rapture of now.

I may have been born in the 50s, but I’m living in the new millennium right now. And right now is all I’ve got to live.

I may as well live it in the know of what I know to be true — no one can keep me from living the life of my dreams, except me.

And no one else can live my life for me!

It’s up to me to let go of saying yes to what others want of me, or for me to start saying yes to what I want for me! It’s time to stop saying yes because I want to be nice and start saying no because I am a woman of integrity. A woman who believes in herself and knows, sometimes no is the only way to get the yes she wants.

My life. My way.

May your day be filled with a thousand yeses to living the life of your dreams as you say no to the things that would pull you from your path of beauty and light.

Namaste.

************** This is a Throw Back Thursday post — this post originally appeared on my original blog, Recover Your Joy on September 19, 2011. ***************

To get out of the basement, you gotta get to higher ground.

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Years ago, I met a man named Collin who wanted nothing more than to be a role model for his sons and the youth in his community on a Reserve in Saskatchewan.

He told me this while taking a course on self-esteem I was teaching at the homeless shelter where I used to work.

“I don’t get it, Louise,” he said as we were discussing the concept of ‘balcony people’ versus ‘basement dwellers’. “I’ve been sober for 3 months and all my friends here want me to do is go drink with them. Why can’t they be happy for me? Why do they want me to get drunk again?”

Collin had spent many, many years in a drunken stupor. He’d left his wife and sons behind and followed the path that almost killed him until one day he realized he couldn’t do it anymore.

“I didn’t want to be that drunken Indian people saw lying on the sidewalk. But I didn’t know how to get up,” he said. And then in Rehab for yet another time, light slipped through the cracks of his despair. He realized he couldn’t show his sons, as well as the youth on the Reserve from where he came, what it meant to walk the path of honour and pride unless he got sober.

It was his dream. To return to his Reserve and teach his sons, and all the youth, what it meant to walk with your head held high, proud of your heritage, proud of your People.

Collin found his balcony and he wasn’t coming off of it.

The challenge was, he still had a lot of people around him who were scared of looking up. Scared of reaching up from the gutter where they drifted through every day, their senses dulled by drugs and alcohol.

“What if you’re already doing what you dreamt of right where you are?” I asked Collin.

“What do you mean?” he replied. The lines around his deep black eyes crinkled up, deep furrows appeared in his brow. He shoved the tip of the white cowboy hat he always wore back from his forehead.

“What if your getting sober shows them that it is possible. That no matter how often they tell themselves they can’t do it, the path of sobriety is open for them too.”

“Then why don’t they just get on with it?” he asked. He smiled when he said it. He knew the answer. “Because it’s not that simple. Right? I was one of the basement dwellers too.”

He sat quietly for a few moments before sharing the rest of his thoughts. “If I’m in the basement living in the dark, it’s hard to see there’s a path leading towards the light, not just deeper into the dark.”

And that’s when the truth of his position hit him. “I couldn’t see in the basement because I was surrounded by people who were just as scared and lost as me. And they’re no different. They can’t see the beauty of the view I see from up on the balcony because they’re down there living in the dark. I can’t go back to the basement, but I can keep standing on my balcony showing them what’s possible.”

Climbing out of the basement is not an easy task. We want to cling to the darkness, hold onto the familiar, stick with what we know. And if it includes using drugs and alcohol to keep us numbed in that place, it can be even scarier to step up.

The only way out is to let go of what’s holding us down.

Staying out of the familiarity of the basement can be even harder when we are surrounded by those we knew ‘back there’. In their fear of what is ‘out here’ they want us to come back and help them feel safe in the dark.

 

Collin never got to show his sons what it meant to live a proud man. He died of a heart attack three months after our conversation.

But he did get to show those around him who feared the path out of the basement that it was okay to step into the light. He never gave up on his sobriety in those final months. He never let go of standing on his balcony and telling others about the beauty of the view he saw from up above.

I like to think he died with a proud heart. That even as it beat the final drum note of his life, he was standing tall, standing proud on his balcony surveying the wide expanse of the universe around him knowing that in walking the path out of the darkness, he was showing his People how not to be afraid of the light.

 

 

 

How to give your all w/o giving yourself away.

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Mixed media on card stock 5" x 5" 2016 Louise Gallagher

Mixed media on card stock
5″ x 5″
2016 Louise Gallagher

In response to my blog post Friday on forgiveness, a reader commented, “I will never let a man make me feel this way again. It was a game changer. I don’t think I’ll let a man get that close again.”

I like that kind of ‘never’.

I too will never allow myself to get so lost in a relationship I feel like nothing again. I will never allow myself to become so immersed in another, I lose all sense of direction, all knowing of who I am and what I’m worth and allow myself to be abused, controlled, erased.

It was a game changer.

For me, however, the game changer isn’t in never letting a man get that close again. It is in my awareness of who I am and understanding the value I bring to the relationship exactly as I am.

It’s in knowing, the strength of my vulnerability when I allow another close-in is not measured in how much of myself I give up. It’s found in how much of me I bring to the relationship without warping, shifting, and submerging my true self to be with another.

I am done with warping, shifting and submerging my true self.

Which is a good thing! I never felt all that comfortable trying to fit into someone else’s skin, no matter how hard I tried to make myself fit just right.

And here’s the thing about the ‘game changer’ part for me.

In the journey of learning to love myself exactly the way I am, beauty and the beast, I have discovered the true value of being me. Where once I believed I needed a man to feel completely me, I love and like me with, or without, a man in my life.

What I value in my intimate relationship is its capacity to feed my heart what it needs  — connection.

The heart is a connector.

My heart is a connector. It not only keeps the blood flowing throughout my body, carrying vital oxygen and nutrients to every cell, it is continually teaching me how to be in this world by the connections it makes in relationship with others.

I am learning to think with my heart and feel with my mind.

I am learning to trust my heart and question my mind’s demands that I fear, avoid, and sometimes destroy relationships because of the past.

It has been an amazing journey.

To go from broken to pieces, to broken open, to feeling whole in this lifetime!

A broken heart is an open heart and an open heart is a loving heart.

I love my heart for its capacity to feel, to know, to teach and guide me in being connected to the world around me.

And I love my mind’s capacity to take all that information the heart feeds it, and sift through it and measure it and give me feedback on how I’m doing, and feeling, in Love.

When I listen to my heart and keep my mind free of fear, I am free to be me completely, no matter where I am or how close-in another gets.

We are all relational beings.

One of the questions I was asked in the aftermath of the relationship that almost killed me was, “How will you ever trust a man again.”

My response came from the depth of my heart’s knowing what is best for me. “It is not about trusting another. It’s about trusting myself enough to not give up all of me to another. It’s about knowing who I am is not based on who is in my life. Who I am is a reflection of how I am turning up for me in relationship with myself and others.”

Through relationship with my beloved I have been able to embrace being me. I have learned to trust myself in relationship without fearing losing myself all over again.

What a beautiful gift.

*********************

Thank you C.C. for being my teacher, my lover, my partner, my heart connector.

Thanks KW for your comment. I appreciate you and the inspiration you bring to my world.

 

 

 

 

What are you waiting for? 5 things you can do today to live the life of your dreams.

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Courage Mixed media on card stock 5″ x 5″ Louise Gallagher

No matter where I’m at, it feels at times as though I have spent my life waiting.

Waiting for the hands of time to turn. For the clock to strike midnight. For the dawn to come. For dusk to fall.

Waiting. For the rain to stop. The sun to come out.

Waiting for tomorrow. Next week. Holidays.

Waiting for it, whatever it is, to be over. For it, whatever it is, to begin.

Waiting for the right moment. The perfect time. The special instant when the stars align, the planets revolve, the earth moves.

Do you know what I mean? Are you waiting too?

For Prince Charming to ride in. Sweep you off your feet. Perhaps even, depending upon where your thoughts take you, dump you in the ditch.

Are you waiting for the right one to come and make your dreams come true? To give you Love. Happiness. Joy.

Are you waiting to feel better. Get over it. Through it. Out of it.

Waiting.

It’s not a game for cowards.

But then, neither is life.

The irrepressible Kerry Parsons and I spoke of waiting yesterday over a late lunch.

We’d not seen eachother for awhile. It was that waiting thing. We’d been waiting for the right time to get together and finally just had to make it happen.

Because that’s the thing about waiting.

All the waiting in the world won’t change what’s happening, or not happening, in your life.

Only you can do that.

President Barack Obama is credited with saying that, “Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.”

We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.

Think about what’s going on in your life today. Is it full. Do you feel complete. Centrered. Balanced.

What are you waiting for?

There is no magical time in the future when completeness, centeredness, balance will appear.

They are as present today as they will be tomorrow.

They’re just waiting for you to turn up.

Just like your dreams. Are waiting for you (me) to turn up.

What are your dreams?

Have you been holding back from putting them to paper, thinking about them, describing them, filling them in? Have you been holding out on yourself by not giving your dreams substance?

Think about it.

What’s holding you back? What are you waiting for?

Yesterday, I told Kerry one of my dreams.

“I realized I have always been holding back from breathing life into my dreams because I’ve always been waiting for someone else to do what they want to do in their life first.”

I’m tired of waiting I told her.

I’m tired of playing small in the field of limited possibility.

I want to play large in limitless possibilities. To create the life of my dreams without fearing I’ll bump up against someone else’s dreams coming true and be frightened by the brilliance of their light shining brightly.

It’s time for me to shine bright.

For you to shine bright.

For all of us to shine bright so that the world becomes a bright shiny place where everyone, no matter where they are, can live with their hearts full of all this big beautiful world has to offer, when we quit waiting for someone else to stop the war, end the fight, ask for forgiveness, give us the right to live fearlessly in the now.

What are you waiting for?

There are lots of books and videos on how to map out your dreams, create a vision board, plan your future.

The question isn’t, what are your dreams. The question is: What is holding your back from turning your dreams into reality?

Here’s 5 things you can do to create substance of your dreams.

  1. Write it down. Take a blank sheet of paper and write down all the things you fear about dreams and dreaming. Now, take that piece of paper, crumple it up and throw it behind you. For the next 15 minutes your fears do not exist. There are no limitations to your thinking, no ‘I can’t’s, I don’t dare, I mustn’t’. There’s only possibility.
  2. Now, on another blank sheet of paper, write the answer to this statement:  When I am living my ideal life, I am ___________________________.  Describe what you are doing in detail. This isn’t about ‘feeling’. It’s about what you’re doing – so keep to the ‘facts’. If you are living on a beach, writing the next bestselling thriller, or leading a team of scientists to discover a cure for some rare disease, write it down. Be specific.
  3. On the same piece of paper, if there’s room (it all depends on how specific you got with describing your ideal life) write an agenda for your typical day.
    1. 7:00am I wake up and here the sounds of the ocean waves crashing against the rocks below my open window. I hear seagulls cawing and smell the aroma of coffee brewing. I roll over and kiss my beloved on the shoulder and slip out of bed. I stretch and let the last tendrils of sleep roll off my shoulders as I walk into the kitchen to pour myself a cup of coffee. Good morning world!
    2. 8:00am  I am in my home office overlooking the rocks and ocean. In the distance I see a fishing boat bobbing on the waves. I open my laptop and hear the familiar whir of it warming up. I put my fingers to the keyboard and begin…
    3. 11:00am  I’ve had a great writing session and stop for a coffee and a scramble down to the beach below.
    4. noon  I share a delicious lunch of quinoa salad and fresh tomatoes from the market with my beloved. He shares his plans for the afternoon and after an hour together, I go back to my office.
    5. 1:00pm  This is my ‘get the details done to keep my life organized’ time. I answer emails. Respond to queries. Call my agent. Set a meeting with the producer and team who is working on turning my last book into a movie.
    6. 2:30pm Writing time
    7. 5:30pm  Walk on the beach with my beloved to enjoy the sunset. We sit on the rocks and talk about our days. I share snippets of my new characters, the challenges I’m having. He shares parts of his day too.
    8. 6:30pm  I spend an hour reviewing the work I’ve completed today. I’m pleased with my progress.
    9. 7:30pm  My beloved and I prepare dinner and spend the evening together.
  4. Stop. Breathe. Listen. Listen to the chatter in your brain. What is it saying to you? How are you feeling about writing out the agenda for your ideal life? Are your thoughts predominantly positive or negative? Do you feel foolish? Inspired? Hopeful? Write it down. All of it. Everything. Write it down.
  5. Write down five things you can do today to  move you closer to your goal or write down the five things you’re not doing today that will move you closer to your goal. Whichever you choose, make sure you are being honest with yourself. No one else has to see this (but it is helpful to share it with another). What are you doing today to create the life you want to live? What aren’t you doing today that will make it happen.

See, there is no one going to ride in on a white charger to rescue you from your inertia.

You are the one you’ve been waiting for.

Then again, you could do none of the above and just see what happens.

But then, you’ve already been doing that. What are you waiting for?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#fbf Can forgiveness change the past?

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Once upon a time, I got lost in a relationship.

I fell into the arms of an abuser and almost died.

And then, I got my life back when he was arrested.

I didn’t know who I was, where I was or even how I’d got to that place in which I was living with such deep, dank desperation and sadness.

I’d done things and behaved in ways I did not think were possible for me.

And yet, there I stood amidst the devastation of my life having to acknowledge the truth; I had become that woman who lost her moral compass and fallen into the abyss of abuse.

After his arrest, I looked around me and realized, I was lost. I had seventy-two cents in my pocket, a few clothes and my trustworthy Golden Retriever who had walked beside me for much of that journey. I had to find my way back to living without fear, to living with joy in my heart, and it had to begin with me.

I remember the morning after his arrest when I began writing in my journal for the first time in years. Since I was a child, I have always kept a journal. On the pages of my journal I could write without censorship. I could face myself and find where I stood in my life, regardless of the weather blowing outside.

While with him, I did not write. Writing is about truth for me and I knew my life had become a lie. His lies had become my truth and I was too broken to face it. So I did not write.

Writing it out to face the truth

That first breathless morning after his arrest, I wrote and wrote through my tears.  The words poured out as I tried to exorcise the ghost of his existence and my revulsion of who I had become. I wrote of my horror at what I’d done. My disbelief that I could have believed him, have been so gullible, so stupid, so naïve.

And I wrote about ‘never’. “I’ll never forgive myself.” “I’ll never forget what he did.” “I’ll never be able to get over this.” The ‘nevers’ went on and on to the point I thought they’d never end.

My journal did not disappoint me. I had to face the truth. If I held myself to ‘never’ I would not heal. And I wanted to heal. I wanted to reclaim myself. To rebuild my life and to reconnect with my daughters.

In facing never on the page, I asked myself, “Is this true? Will I never be able to forgive myself for what I did to my daughters’ lives? Will I never feel joy again?”

And then I asked. “Is this what I want in my life?”

My answer was an emphatic “No.”

What I want could only be found through forgiveness

What I wanted was to live without fear. I wanted to live with love in my heart. And most of all, I wanted to reconnect with my daughters. During the final three months of that journey I had disappeared without a word and they had waited for a call from the police telling them that I had been found – dead or alive. They feared the worst.

When he was arrested, my daughters were thankful that I was alive. They were also justifiably angry. At 15 and 17, they did not deserve that terror.

I could not change what I had done. All I could do was ask for their forgiveness.

Forgiveness is healing

Forgiveness is a powerful tool for healing. To receive forgiveness, I had to be able to give it, without qualification or reservation. That meant, I had to be able to forgive the abuser. And, I had to forgive myself.

When I forgave him, I didn’t say, ‘you are not accountable.’ I didn’t forgive him to let him know I forgave him.  I forgave him so that I would not have to hold onto anger, blame, shame or guilt. I forgave him so that I could be free of him.

Forgiving him wasn’t ‘easy’ but it was straight-forward. I have never spoken to him again since his arrest. To forgive him I continually repeated the words to myself and accepted them as truth. “I forgive you.” When the little voice inside me rose up and said, “But…” I reminded it that I had forgiven him and could not harbour resentments, questions or doubts. It was the only way to stop thinking of him.

Forgiving myself was more difficult. I wanted to hold myself pinioned to the sword of self-blame. I wanted to chastise myself. Berate myself. Condemn myself for having been a fool, for having hurt my daughters so much. But, to do so would have meant I did not believe myself worthy of my daughters’ forgiveness. By telling myself I would never forgive myself, yet asking them to forgive me, I was withholding from myself the very thing I wanted to receive.

I forgave myself so that I could be free

And so, I forgave myself. I didn’t qualify my forgiveness. I didn’t define it or limit it to specific events. I simply forgave myself.

I cannot give what I do not have. I cannot receive what I am not willing to give. To receive forgiveness, I must be willing to ask for it, and to give it.

I cannot change the past. I can forgive it.

And so I did. And so it is.

 

***********************

#fbf – Flashback Friday — I wrote the original version of this post in February 2006, almost 3 years after he was arrested.

 

#LadyBalls? No thanks. I’ve got a vagina.

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Ovarian Cancer Canada has an ad campaign inviting women to ‘have the lady balls to do something about it.’

No thanks Ovarian Cancer Canada. I don’t need lady balls, or any other balls that use my femininity to measure my strength of character against a man’s, or to get my health checked.  I’ve got all the power and confidence I need – in my vagina.

That’s right. I wrote it. In public. Vagina. I’ve got one, and what’s more, I’m proud of it.

And that’s the problem with Ovarian Cancer Canada’s ad. The actors say ‘lady balls’ and nod their heads in admiration when the women “act like men” when they assert themselves to get the job done, or ask a guy out, or win at the poker table, or inspire girls in the locker room.

You need lady balls to do all that, says the ad.

What women need is to not have men’s balls used against them.

What women need is to not be forced into servitude as weapons of war through rape and slavery and prostitution.

What women need is to earn the same pay for the same job, to have access to locker rooms and boardrooms without being hit on or hit by the glass ceiling.

What every woman needs is the right to say No and have the word taken seriously. To go out and not worry about having their drink spiked because some dude wants to get his balls off without consent.

What women need is to have their vaginas – and all that may or not may not come with them – revered and respected.

Regardless of where our bodies are on their journey, our female sex organs hold the seat of our humanity. They are the vessels of the future, containers of our capacity to grow life, channels for our creativity, compassion, and, quite frankly powerful enough to get the job done on their own.

We need to do better than to use catchy phrases to get our daughters, our sisters, our mothers, our friends, attention. And we don’t need to get screened for ovarian cancer to prove our sex organs are as good as a man’s. We need to get screened for ovarian cancer because our ovaries matter. Our voices matter. Our bodies matter. Our lives matter.

The world doesn’t need women to act like men. The world needs us to claim the inherent power of our vaginas. To turn the tides on aggression. To up the ante on caring for Mother Earth. To embrace humanity in the sacredness of our feminine nature and nurture it back to well-being.

We don’t need balls to do that.

We need our vaginas, our ovaries, and our feminine brain-power to give birth to a world where every child is safe from abuse, safe from being dragged and drugged into becoming soldiers of war and mass destruction. Where little boys don’t go to bed hungry and little girls don’t fear the footsteps in the hall. We need women to help end the drugs, famine, poverty, terrorism and every other conflict we, the humans of this world, have created.

We won’t change the world by growing a pair of balls.

We will change it by using our voices, our hands, our hearts, and our capacity to nurture life into being.

So yeah. I am disappointed by Ovarian Cancer Canada’s suggestion that I find the balls to do something about ‘it’ or anything in this world.

I am a woman. I’m tired of being told the only agency I have is in my ability to reproduce. Tired of hearing that I need to act ‘like a man’ as if that’s the only pathway to success. I’m tired of being asked to “grow a pair” to reach some man-made measurement of my equality and worth. And I’m tired of having my sexual organs used as a means to keep me in my place so that others can gain position and power in this world.

My vagina and my ovaries and my womb may be retired, but I am not done changing the world.

 

Woman Awaken

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Woman awaken.
Rise up.
Listen
to the earth move
within thy sacred feminine
giving birth
to the wisdom of the universe
flowing in your veins.
Woman rise up
Awaken.

Woman awaken.
Rise up.
Open
the portal of your sacred womb
pulsing
with the essence
of the universe
calling humankind
to step back
from the edge of madness
pull away from the abyss
of our minds’
constant drive to self-destruction.

Woman awaken.
Rise up
your work is not done
you must guide us
back
back into our hearts
where wisdom arises
in our memory
of being one
with the ways of Mother Earth.

Woman awaken.
Your time has come
Blessed is the fruit
of thy womb
at the centre of the universe
pouring forth
the healing powers
of grace
Reverse the laws of living
mindlessly
in the past or fearing the future
Bring us back to our hearts.

Woman awaken.

Thy time has come.

The poem appeared after watching the video below on S*HE LivingTV and becoming completely immersed in the words of Ilarion Merculieff 

The Plan: What a Ficus Benjamina taught me.

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FullSizeRender (71)My office window at home faces north onto the avenue in front of our house.

My desk is tucked into the bay window overlooking the front yard and beside it sits a large Ficus Benjamina. It is full and bushy and beginning to take over the right side of my desk area as it reaches out from the corner towards the light that filters in between the venetian blinds.

It has survived two moves, one of them in winter, and has continued to lay claim to life since I first brought it home over ten years ago. Which means, in spite of being mostly ignored by me, it is determined to live.

Sometimes, that’s how we treat our bodies. In spite of our best efforts to ignore them, they lay claim to life, seeking light in even the most inhospitable of environments.

I made a commitment to Mr. Ficus this morning. I agreed to feed him, nurture him and to mist him (which according to the literature is best done with boiled water that has been allowed to cool to room temperature).  He deserves my loving attention.

So do me, myself and my body.

Deserve my loving attention.

And that can be challenging some days. To give myself loving attention.

Sometimes, the best I can do is stay out of my own way. Unfortunately, staying out of my own way has become a practice of ignoring what my body needs most. Regular exercise. Healthy food. Solid sleep. Care and attention.

So, today, in this public space, I commit to stop getting out of my own way and to get back on my way to well-being.

To do it, I have decided to create The Plan.

The Plan is my map to staying focused, on target and on the path of well-being.

The Plan is composed of six steps:

  1. Acknowledge the problem/issue/situation.  Be honest. Caring. Non-judgemental of myself.
  2. Define what I ‘want to’ change/shift/create.  Be realistic. Practical. Caring.
  3. Identify what is keeping me in the current problem/issue/situation.  Be honest. Caring. Non-judgemental of myself.
  4. Make a commitment to what I will change/shift/create.  Be realistic. Practical. Caring.
  5. Describe what ‘my world’ will look like when I shift one thing, two things, three things. Be positive. Fearless. Caring.
    1. Describe what ‘my world’ will look like in 6 months if I do nothing today. 1 year. 2 years. 5 years.
    2. Describe what ‘my world will look like if I do one thing, two things, three things… in 1 year. 2 years. 5 years.
  6. Breathe deeply and begin. Do the things I’ve committed to do. Stay true to my path. Be loving. Be caring. Be kind to myself. Be committed to me.

So. Here goes.

The Plan.

  1. Acknowledge the problem/issue/situation.

Over the past many months, I have allowed myself to become swallowed up in the frenzy of being too busy, of telling myself I’m too tired to exercise, eat right. I have allowed myself to drink more wine then I’m accustomed to, or is healthy for me, eat food that is convenient, not always balanced or nourishing. I have hunkered down into inertia and have become rooted in inactivity.

2.  Define what I ‘want to’ change/shift/create.

I want to shift my attitude of ‘why bother’ to ‘I care’. About me. My well-being. My health.

3.  Identify what is keeping me in the current problem/issue/situation.

This is a toughie. Okay — that’s a judgement. This is what it is.

First, on a spiritual level — It is deeper than just ignoring myself. It’s embedded in fear — of aging, of giving up, of giving into not caring about this vehicle that is the container of my being present in this world. It’s enshrined in some deep place of self-denial. It’s not about self-loathing. I know I love myself — but there is some place of denial within me that says – you do not matter. You do not deserve your loving attention. It isn’t a ‘real’ place, but it is a place where vestiges of the past still hold reign over my common sense, my lovingness towards me, and my knowing of what I deserve.

On a physical/mental level — It’s about feeding myself too many messages of why bother? You’re too tired. You’ve got enough on your plate. What’s the point? I’ll begin tomorrow. It’s dark out. Ah yes. This place is all about making excuses so I don’t have to turn up for me.

4.  Make a commitment to what I will change/shift/create.

First thing to shift — my negative self-talk. Time to feed myself thoughts of what is possible, what I deserve, what I want — is important. That I am worth fighting for. I am deserving of feeling good about all of me — not just my place of giving back to community, or doing things to make a difference in the world — but my place of deserving to look good and more importantly, feel good, while I’m being me!

Second thing to shift — taking care of me. I will begin with the little things. It struck me at dinner the other night when T. commented that he’d never been that busy at work he didn’t feel like he had time to think — I often do. Feel like I’m so busy I don’t have time to think. Doing without consideration of what the doing is all about is not healthy, productive nor constructive.

See, it all begins with my thinking. Change my thoughts and change my life.

5.  Describe what ‘my world’ will look like when I shift one thing, two things, three things.

In 6 months if I do nothing, I will feel worse. Same as in 1 year, 2 years, 5 years.

If I begin with getting conscious of my thoughts, shift my thinking from ‘lack of time’ to abundance of opportunity to take care of me, in 6 months, I will have put myself first. In a year, I will feel healthier, more content, more balanced, more productive and directed in my activities. I will feel fulfilled. 2 years. 5 years. I will be on fire. I will be energized. Satisfied and passionate about living my best, not just settling for doing my best.

6.  Breathe deeply and begin. Do the things I’ve committed to do. Stay true to my path.

I begin. Right now.

And what that means is I will get more detailed in The Plan. Like adding in a commitment to regularly report back here on my commitment to staying focused on nurturing my needs, my desire to be whole-heartedly present; body, mind and spirit.

Thanks Mr. Ficus. It’s a beginning where I see, there is light peeking through the darkness. (And I promise. I will remember to open the blinds today so you can see out and let the sunshine in.)