One of my very first bosses had a favourite saying, “Change is here to stay.”

We were working for a high-tech company in the days when ‘high-tech’ was a fledgling new idea and rapid change was the order of the day.

His saying helped frame so much of what we were doing and what was happening in the world of business. And while today a laptop computer and smartphone are ubiquitous, in those days, selling the idea of everyone having a personal computing device on their desk , which actually meant that even ‘the boss’ had to know how to type, was radical.

Change is here to stay.

And still, I balk against change. I resist. I push back.

I am human.

In the presence of change, a departure from the past is signalled. What if I like the past, even if it was uncomfortable? What if to change I need to let go? What if I fear, I’m just not capable of letting go without falling?

Yesterday, someone I respect and admire asked the question:  What is your personal growth plan?

Life is a growth opportunity. We are constantly changing, growing, learning. Do I plan for my growth? Do I map out my learning strategies, identifying my strengths and gaps by leaning into what creates the more I want to experience? Or, do I simply sit back and let it happen, allowing opportunity for my strengths to weaken and my gaps to widen?

One thing in my life that has never changed is:  I have a choice.

To do nothing. Or to be 100% engaged in creating the life of my dreams. Of being a whole partner in my future unfolding.

Recently, as I have navigated being in a new home, a busy work/life that at times feels out of balance, an injury that has impeded my ease of motion, and a new role, ‘Yiaya’ to my daughter’s son which also includes being the mother of a daughter who is now a mother herself, I have felt the tug of resistance. I have felt the desire to push back and fall into the ennui of “I’m getting too old for all this change,” thinking.

I’ve definitely made myself smile, and sometimes shake my head in consternation, at my desire to not live my life fully and instead, just let it happen.

Life does just happen, whether I’m actively engaged or not.

The difference between just letting it happen, and living consciously within its every happening, is my attitude. My desire to step wholeheartedly into each moment and continuously be open to learning, growing and challenging my own sense and need for status quo.

I like things that don’t change.

I like driving to work the same way every day. Buying my latte on my way to the office. Driving home the same route. Walking Beaumont the Sheepadoodle along the same path.

Yet, to condition myself for change, to keep my change muscles flexible, sometimes the best thing to do is shake up the small habitual things I do.

I don’t know what the next moment will bring. I can predict. I can plan. But I can’t be 100% sure.

What I can be 100% sure of is that if I stay tied to my habitual ways, my change muscles will harden. If they harden enough, they will ripple out and atrophy my capacity to grow and learn and evolve. If they get to that state, I risk depriving myself of living life wholeheartedly.

To change with grace, we all need a sense of safety and an inspiring vision.

I have a vision for my life.  I’m just a little sketchy on the details!

Fact is: I’m safe in my world. Safe in my home. My workplace. My community. My relationships. My life.

With my sense of safety securely grounded in the things that matter most to me, I’m safe to create change.

To get more focused, to become more intentional in activating my vision, I choose to do things differently.

So for today, I shall do one thing I’ve always done differently.

Today, I shall take a different route to work.

And in the process, I’ll remind myself what my boss taught me long ago. Change is here to stay.

And that’s okay.

Namaste.

PS.  I can already feel the anxiety of not turning off where I habitually turn off and going to the next exit. Even though I’ve only been driving this route a few months, I am attached to it.

As the song goes, Shake it Up! Shake it Up!

I seek lightness of being.

I seek to carry only gratitude, love and joy whereever I go.

And then I forget.

Life happens and I become mired down in its grubbiness, forgetting my divine essence as I struggle to overcome life’s daily existence.

I heard a story yesterday that made me wonder about our humanity.

I wanted to cry. To throw my hands up in despair and cry out, “Oh humanity. What are we doing?”

I wanted to run and hide. To forget about ‘the world’ and crawl into myself.

And then I remembered.

This is not what my life is. This petty, squabbling, ‘little’ me.

My life is the sunshine warm upon my face. My heart overflowing with joy. My spirit light and carefree.

I have the power to be present in this moment, regardless of how fierce the winds blowing around me.

I have the power to stand in Love.

And so,

I Stop.

Breathe.

Quiet my mind.

And become one with this moment in which I am connected to all things, all beings, all goodness.

There are storms in this world.

Here is beauty.

There is ugliness in this world.

Here is kindness.

There is sadness in this world.

Here is joy.

Which path will I choose to follow?

Where will I choose to shine my light?

Namaste.

What do you mean you want to lay here? I was here first.

It was a relaxing weekend.

C.C.’s daughter’s play on Friday night, (quirky, thought-provoking and well done) and a late dinner at our favourite neighbourhood restaurant, Notable.

There’s value in sharing in your partner’s pride of his children’s accomplishments and savouring a meal together to talk about life and kids and what’s going on.

On Saturday, Darwin and his team arrived to clean our gutters and windows as well as wash the outside of the house. I got to watch.

There is value in watching other people work! Especially when the result of their work is a house ready for the painters to arrive this week to paint the trim and such.

C.C. and I went grocery shopping and spent the rest of the day putzing around the house and getting dinner ready.

There is value in doing things together. Especially when it enhances intimacy and feeling connected.

Friends for dinner and a game of Settlers on Saturday night, more friends and my youngest daughter and partner for dinner Sunday night, and other than that, no agenda.

There is value in having no agenda. Value in simply going with the flow of what is happening, or not. Especially when it involves good friends and time spent together laughing and trying to outwit your opponents, all in good fun! (I lost btw but then, I never play the game to win. I just like the time spent playing with people I enjoy!)

Sunday, ever hopeful we’d be able to sit on the deck for appetizers before dinner, I put all the pillows back out after taking them in the previous evening, and then, because they were calling me to relax, I settled in for awhile to read and watch the river flow by.

There is value in watching the river flow by. Especially when the wind picks up and clouds blow in later in the day and sitting out is no longer an option. Capturing the moment and savouring its beauty is time well spent.

Yesterday, it rained. Beaumont and I had a delightful walk. The earth smelled fresh, the rain fresher. When we returned home, he lay on his mat by the front door to dry and I curled up in the corner of the sofa with my coffee, a blanket and a spy novel. Sigh. Nothing better than a rainy long weekend Monday reading a novel. I did pull out a book I’ve been reading on Leadership but its appeal waned as I sank into the comfort of being inside and dry on a beautiful rainy morning.

There is value in escaping into a book for the pure pleasure of the escape.

And don’t get me wrong. I ‘got things done’ too. There was value in those things too. Like scraping the spillover paint that was adhered to the front window since the renovation. That was a big job! I didn’t realize the streaks were inside until after the outside of the windows were cleaned. Getting a clear view makes a difference.

And I spent some time walking around the neighbourhood calling for Marley. He is still out a-wandering. I hope he comes home soon.

Whether experiencing hardship or ease, seeking to find value in all things increases my sense of gratitude for all things. Living in gratitude creates a world of harmony and joy where love flows filled with the grace of going with the flow in the river of my life.

He is still out a-wandering.

We are still at home waiting for his return.

Funny how the house feels so different without his presence.

Sure do miss him.

Please come home Marley.

Our beloved Marley, the Great Cat, has gone a-wandering. He raced out the front door on Tuesday night and has not come home.

We are worried.

Marley is by nature an outdoor cat. We adopted him from the SPCA about 9 years ago and he immediately began his out the door dashes once ensconced in our home.

Since moving to Bow Landing, he’s not been as eager to go outside and on the few occasions he’s dashed out the door, he’s been back fairly quickly.

This time that didn’t happen.

He’s a big, black (okay somewhat overweight) green-eyed handsome dude who purrs like a motor boat at high speed and is exceptionally affectionate.

Marley came into our home as a mouser, but other than scare the mice away, or toy with them, he isn’t particularly adept at the catching part.

But man, he can love you like nobody’s business. Cuddling is his next favourite thing to eating. He doesn’t even need to be stroked to purr. The minute he’s in your vicinity, his motor starts.

Our home is along the river. We’re worried about that.

Coyote roam this area. We’re concerned about that too.

He was last seen dashing across the drive in the dark of night on Tuesday in the Montgomery area of Calgary, near the Hextall Bridge and Shouldice Park.

He’s tattooed in his left ear. But, other than being black with green eyes (and somewhat overweight) he has no other distinguishing features. Oh. But he is beautiful!

If you happen upon him, you’ll be rewarded with lots of purrs and some cash too if you let us know!

Thank you.

When I didn’t love myself, I found it hard to forgive myself. It was a kind of chicken and the egg thing. I wanted to love myself, I knew it was important, But, I held myself at fault and couldn’t forgive my mistakes, making it impossible to love myself.

See-sawing between blame and shame, I measured whatever was happening in my life as being done to me. I was not to blame. Not responsible or accountable. It was always someone else’s fault. Or, I was all my mistakes and that made me one big mistake. I could never measure up.

In that place where all I was looking for was to lay blame and shame, forgiveness was not possible, making self-love an elusive dream.

Until I was willing to see my inherent human nature as a beautiful gift, to see that I am perfectly imperfect in all my human imperfections, I could never give myself the grace of seeing my mistakes as an essential and integral part of my journey. In my denial, there was no room for forgiveness and love because, well I was too busy covering-up my mistakes or too busy blaming others for theirs. In that hostile territory, there was only room for blame, fear and denial.

My mistakes are as much a part of me as the things I want the world to know and see about me.

My mistakes don’t make me weaker. They make me stronger, because in their light, the many facets of my human condition shimmer in the light of Love. In that light, I see how beautifully human I am when I give up the need to be perfect, when I am willing to let down my guard and be vulnerable.

As long as I am willing to lovingly face myself in every light, I grow through everything I do and have the space to learn to Love everything I am, beauty and the beast, yin and yang, dark and light.

Ultimately, we are not our mistakes, we are what we make of our mistakes. What we do with them. How we use them as tools to help us grow more forgiving and loving.

When we treat ourselves harshly, we create fertile ground for anger, bitterness, regret and a host of limiting emotions to fester. When we are unforgiving, we are unforgiven. Without forgiveness, there is no room for love to flow freely.

Long ago, I struggled to love myself, all of me.

Today I know that loving all of me is the path to bringing all the best of me to light. In that place, my mistakes are no longer a burden, they are part of my human journey. To enjoy the journey, travelling lightly is optimal. To travel light, I must choose forgiveness. It is the path to Love, and in Love, there is only one answer to living this one precious life freely: to Love more.  Love always.

Photo by Olia Gozha on Unsplash

Don’t you love how when you make a plan, life steps in and disrupts even the best laid plans?

Truthfully? I don’t!

But it all comes back to accepting what is, and working with what is in front of me, not what I wish was there.

I had planned on finishing up organizing our bedroom. On getting the bags for giveaway out to my car for giving away to a shelter downtown.

I had planned on moving the chair from our bedroom to the den downstairs.

I had planned a lot of things for this week to get done in the evenings. And then life stepped in.

Well, actually, a shoulder injury erupted and now I can’t move my left arm without a whole bunch of grunting and groaning.

My office is a 10 minute walk from where I park my car. Last year, in an effort to create more space for youth programming we moved several teams to office space provided by the Calgary Police Service. It’s part of a larger initiative to set up a ‘Family Hub’ in the downtown core that will provide vulnerable children and their families access to vital resources to help them navigate housing crisis and prevent homelessness.

It is a big idea that is starting to really take shape. It’s a big idea that could make a big difference in the lives of vulnerable children and their families. And I am grateful to be part of it.

I also love my new office space as does the team. It’s bright and airy, spacious. But, to keep costs down, we kept our parking at the location next to the family emergency shelter for which I work. It was a twofold decision. Parking is less expensive just out of the downtown core and, by parking at the shelter, I intentionally go through the shelter on my way to my office. Which means, I connect with the team at the shelter and stay better connected to ‘the cause’ — ending child and family homelessness.

Challenge is, some days my bag is too heavy.

Like yesterday.

I had a stack of folders I carried with me Friday when I left the office because my first three meetings were at the shelter yesterday morning.

And then, I picked up supplies at the shelter after my meeting and loaded up my bag. Throwing it over my left shoulder, I took the walk to my office.

When I had to go back for a meeting later in the day, I loaded up my bag with more folders I knew I’d need later.

Which wouldn’t be too bad if several dislocations in years gone by hadn’t created an unstable shoulder. Loading it up doesn’t work.

And so, my best laid plans went awry.

I had to deal with what is, not what I wished.

And yes, accountability-wise, I did overload my bag and I did put too much strain on my shoulder.

But dang, if only it was not so sensitive to the things I do that don’t support me. If only I hadn’t dislocated it so often skiing hard and fast in those days gone by when I thought skiing hard and fast was the only way to ski!

If only…

See, I know loading up my bag and throwing it over my shoulder doesn’t work.

I did it anyway because in that moment, my shoulder was fine.

And that is where accountability truly does matter.

To be accountable means working ‘with’ my body, not against it. It means honouring those places where old injuries have undermined joints and muscles. It means keeping joints and muscles strong today.

I loaded up my bag yesterday.

It wasn’t the smartest thing to do and now, I’m paying the price.

Note to self:  Take care of your body. It’s the only vehicle you’ve got to get around in this world. You can’t trade it in for a newer model so you’ve got to treat this one like it’s made to last!

_________________

Photo by Olia Gozha on Unsplash