I have started to jog again. Slowly. Step by step. Small goal destination by small goal destination.

Where once, I measured my distance in kilometers, now I aim for the tree at the bend and then, when I reach it, set aim for the next landmark/tree/bench/bend in the path to keep me moving ahead. I run. I walk. I run. I walk. But always I keep moving ahead.

I am rebuilding my muscle strength, reawakening my cellular memory to the act of running.

It is there. Those cells that remember the joy, the exhilaration, the sense of accomplishment in running. It is just that for a long time, they have lain dormant. They have stayed asleep.

I began last weekend. For months now (maybe even years) I have been telling myself, “I have to start running again. I miss it. I need to get in shape again.”

And my critter voice has responded. “Tomorrow. Not today, you’re too…. tired, hungry, busy.” Or. “It’s too cold. Rainy. Late. Dark. Early…”

Last Sunday, when I thought about running, my critter stirred and started its litany of reasons why not. But this time, instead of letting it have its say, I told myself to ‘STOP!’ GET TO IT!

I realized that it was my mind that was making me falter. My thinking that was talking me out of lacing up my runners and getting to it.

So, I decided to quit thinking about it and just — Get to it!

It is working. Each day as my critter has stirred and begun to chatter, I have simply stopped it, dead in its tracks, and laced up my runners. I’ve quit thinking about getting out on the trail, and gotten out on the trail.

It’s been wonderful!

Yesterday, as Alexis and I ran ahead of TZ who had stopped to take a photo along the path, I thanked her for giving me a new goal, something to look forward to for the future, I told her.

What’s that she asked.

To still be able to enjoy this experience of running around the Seawall when I am 80, I told her.

It is a good goal. A laudable one. An important one.

It is a new thought for me. To look that far into the future and decide what I want to be able to do physically to ensure my life has richness, depth, meaning.

I want to be able to run fast. To enjoy the feeling of my body being fit, in shape, flexible, supple.

I want to be able to get outside with my daughters and enjoy being physical with them.

And the only way it’s going to happen in 20 years is to ensure I’m taking care of myself now and building the muscle capacity to keep doing what I’m doing now, then. And if I stay stagnant now, I will be even more stagnant in 20 years.

Time to get to it!

And as Alexis said, “Not just with me mom. With your grandbabies too!”

Cool.

They are not in the world today, but they will be one day and I agree, wouldn’t it be wonderful to be able to run and play and truly enjoy all the world has to offer as they grow up? Wouldn’t it be amazing to be outside, alive and fully present, my body strong and capable of running after them?

I can do it. It will be so as long as I stop my critter’s chatter and quit thinking about doing it and just do it. As time passes and I continue strong and my critter’s chatter fades into the distance of the past, my goal will become my present. Step by step, day by day as I continue to lace up my runners and get to it.

The ride across the airport to runway 31 seems to take forever. Once there, we wait, and wait, barely inching forward. After almost an hour since leaving the terminal, the pilot comes on the intercom and informs us that we must return to base. We have been waiting so long to be allowed to take-off, we burned through our excess fuel. “We don’t have enough to get to Vancouver safely,” he said. “And there are no gas stations in the sky that we can pull over and get more gas if we’re low.”

By the time we return to base, refuel, and take off we are an hour and a half behind our originally scheduled departure time.

Not a big deal to most of us on the 3/4 full flight, but there were those trying to connect to a flight to New Zealand who were not so fortunate. They had to stay an extra night in Vancouver.

I wonder about the ripple effect of that change… Family waiting to greet you who have driven in from another city, a wedding the very next day which you won’t make, a extra day of holidays that you don’t have to take, a pet in a boarding facility that will have to stay another night, a dying parent/friend whom you are hoping to get to on time — and now you will be too late, they will be gone by the time you arrive.

All because two medivacs landed at the airport and threw the entire scheduling of landings/takeoffs out of sync.

For me, it was easy. My daughter worked until 7. I probably would have been first to the restaurant we’d agreed to meet at if we’d left on time. This way, she was there first.

It didn’t matter — the order of our arrival. What mattered was the time spent together, laughing, sharing, enjoying each other’s company as well as my friend TZ who had flown in with me.

TZ has been an older sister/aunt-figure in my daughters’ lives since they were born. In their formative years they didn’t see as much of her as she had her own family circles to connect. But when her marriage ended, and she spent more time with her parents who are my dearest friends, we all got to spend more time with TZ — and her connections to all of us deepened.

It is a lovely gift.

For me, I have never had a younger sister. Always the youngest, I’ve never had the opportunity to feel ‘looked up to’ like I do to my sisters. I’ve also never had the opportunity to know, without doubt, that I’m right — but hey! That’s a whole other story in sibling placement.

For my daughters, TZ is someone they can call on who they know will always offer a helping hand, a listening ear, an insightful word. They know she has their back, will champion them on, cheer for them and celebrate their successes, and hold them in love when they fall.

It’s who she is and their lives are better for having her there.

It’s the thing about being the mother. I know that I will not always have the clarity of mind and strength of heart to simply be present when they are feeling life’s arrows digging deeply. Sometimes, I am too connected to my own stuff, in whatever their issues are, to be compassionately disengaged from their stuff. Sometimes, their stuff is simply not stuff they want to share with their mother.

I have always believed that having an older, wiser mentor-figure is important. Their relationship with me is close — sometimes, too close for them to have the distance they need to use the other person as their sounding board, their fresh eyes, their test driver. When their father remarried my dream was that their step-mother would provide an alternative safe place for them to find courage, healing, wisdom. I wanted them to know that no matter what was going on in their lives, there was always someone there for them.

While it didn’t happen the way I imagined, it didn’t matter. Between my sisters and my friends, all their lives the girls have been surrounded with older women who love and support them, no matter what.

Years ago, when my eldest daughter found a lump in her breast and we were uncertain of its prognosis, it was my girlfriends who sat with us in the waiting room at the cancer clinic, laughing, chatting, sharing stories as she waited to be taken in for surgery. I remember at the time, looking around the waiting room at all the other women who sat, with worried looks upon their faces, and maybe a husband or friend to sit with them. Some had no one, and there was this 18 year old young woman surrounded by a circle of women making sure she was okay. I remember feeling so incredibly blessed and fortunate that day. My daughter had all these older women around her to love her and support her. What an amazing blessing.

TZ wasn’t there that day, but her mother was. Later, when her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and sat waiting to be wheeled into the operating room for a doublt mastectomy, TZ and I sat with her. I read aloud stories from Stuart MacLean’s, The Vinyl Cafe. We laughed and teased her and held her hand and held her in a loving space.

That’s what women do. We hold space. We create connections. We embrace one another in tender arms, opening our hearts, our minds, our ears and our eyes to see into the truth of what is needed for each of us to feel seen and heard. We create the safe and courageous space we each yearn for where we can express what lives within our hearts, what yearns to be free, what needs to be said so that we can deal with whatever life puts in front of us, and not feel all alone.

It is a gift. To know my daughters have so many special women in their lives that no matter what happens, they will always have someone to turn to, to hold them up when the world is falling down around them, to pick them up when their hearts are broken, to hear them out when they’ve lost their voices.

I sat in a restaurant last night listening to my daughter and my friend chatter away and felt the beauty and wonder and awe of being in that moment right then. No matter how long it had taken to arrive, it was a perfect moment.

Namaste.

.

I originally wrote the story of Marlene Clay and Jon Bon Jovi HERE.

Recently, I had coffee with Marlene and asked if she’d write her story for the Foundation’s blog where I work. I shared the portion of the story that pertains to the Foundation and asked if Marlene would be willing to share the whole story here. I am delighted she agreed. Thank you Marlene for sharing your light and beauty here.

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He Will Always have ‘A Piece of My Heart’
by Marlene Clay

It’s February 25, 2014 and he looks relaxed in his orange t-shirt and faded blue jeans…maybe because 2 months ago he just finished a 10 month tour that took him to 25 countries and 93 cities.

He says his wife wanted him out of the house so he came to Las Vegas to play a private, acoustic Storyteller show for 300 of his biggest fans, the Runaways.

This is my fourth Runaways trip.

He starts the show with the song Every Word Was A Piece Of My Heart from his 1997 solo album Destination Anywhere, a rarely played song live.

His name is Jon Bon Jovi and he’s been my idol for 22 years.

This time there is an opportunity to interact and ask questions of the man behind the music.

This is a special night for me as I have been planning my moment with him for weeks; the book and what I will say.  Now I eagerly anticipate my turn to speak.  I wait with angst as the Runaways crew member who has the microphone is ignoring my request to give him the book.  My friend confronts the crew member about his harsh behaviour and he finally relents and gives me the microphone.  I introduce myself and thank him on behalf of all Calgarians for his generous donation to the Calgary Homeless Foundation.  I walk up to the stage and give him the Flood of 2013 book with a written message from Louise Gallagher on behalf of CHF.

He takes the time to glance at the book while I stand in front of the stage..he says he will read it and reaches out his hand for mine.

As he gives me the killer smile that melts many women’s hearts, I clasp his hand firmly in mine.

Magical.

I think I have just transcended further in my journey with grief as the joy of that moment has ignited a divine spark for living.

My passion for Jon Bon Jovi begins in December of 1991 but the real story of my grief therapy starts in February 2013.

I was in the 4th row in the pit at the Toronto Bon Jovi concert on February 18, 2013….my husband of 31 years, Leigh Everett James Clay, died suddenly on September 22, 2012 after a long battle with diabetes and kidney failure. Five months later I was  just emerging from the most intense soul pain I have ever experienced.

The tears of joy and pain flowed easily in that 5 minutes before he came on stage.  During the next 9 months,  I went to 14 more Bon Jovi concerts in 4 countries…I travelled with special friends and made new ones… who share the same passion…

My favourite show of the tour was in my birthplace…

Dublin, Ireland at Slane Castle with 70,000 people…a 3 hour show…5 songs in the encore and fireworks to end an amazing night!!

As I travelled the world to see Bon Jovi, I could feel the joy slowly returning to my life during those months.

Then the most amazing thing happened..it was in Vancouver in October 2013.

There were 8 of us ‘Jovi girls’ staying at the hotel in Vancouver…I had no idea what was about to happen 2 days later.

Of course we had purposely planned to stay at that hotel in the hopes we might catch a glimpse of him.

We did, several times.

The first was shortly after we arrived and he was on his way to sound check; the second time was the next day as we were in the lobby lounge and he was looking at an old vintage car outside the hotel…the third time was  later that evening and I was in the hotel lobby alone… he was on his way out to dinner with the other band members…the smile just for me as I shook his hand…the fourth time was the next day and I saw him return from his daily run…and the fifth time was several hours later….I was sitting alone on the bench in the lobby of the hotel..I saw him coming down the hall and I knew this was my moment…I got up and slowly approached..I said ‘can I tell you something’? He nodded and stopped…I said ‘I just want to thank you..you’ve made a difference in my life in the last year..I lost my husband a year ago..I’ve been to a lot of your shows and you’ve made a difference’…he said ‘I’m really sorry babe’…and then he reached out his arms and gave me the biggest hug….

It was a very intimate, sacred moment between us…when it was over the tears came and didn’t stop for hours…that was a time of enormous emotional release for me…when I knew I had transcended my grief…I felt the energy of my husband surrounding me in that Vancouver hotel lobby…my grief counsellor calls this one of the gifts of grief..Leigh’s presence all around me as I had one of the most amazing experiences of my life…what are the chances of randomly seeing your idol 5 times in 3 days  and sharing an intimate moment that leaves you breathless.

Uless you have a ‘guardian angel’ making magic happen??

…the next night at the Tacoma concert, he saw me at the circle stage and deliberately gave me his guitar pick…magical again!!

For me, life is about love, laughter and feeding  my soul with joy and inspiration

Jon Bon Jovi was my joy and inspiration after a devastating loss…the man who made me feel alive again. He was my ‘grief therapy’ and made a difference in my life in a way that no one else could!

I saw the quote-photo on Facebook this morning. It made me smile, and remember, a therapist I saw years ago and the work I did with him around setting boundaries.

“It begins with honouring yourself, Louise,” he told me.

I protested and told him I did, honour myself.

“Do you overcommit? Do you say you’ll do things you don’t really want to do but feel you can’t say no?”

Well, yes. Sometimes. I mean, often, but that’s not about honouring myself, it’s about not wanting to let other people down. I protested even more vehemently.

Practice saying no, he told me. Say it and don’t explain.

Well, that seemed a little harsh to me. I don’t mind saying no, I told him but seriously, just no and no explanation?

He took me through an exercise.

Imagine you’re sitting under a tree on a hot summer’s day. You really want an ice cream. What kind of ice cream would you choose?

I thought for a moment and replied with my favourite, “Lemon gelato.”

“Why that one?” he asked.

“It’s my favourite?”

“Why?” he prodded.

I thought for a moment and said, hesitantly, ‘I really like lemon.’

Are you sure you don’t want strawberry or chocolate?

“I don’t think so.” I squirmed for a moment and then fessed up. “Well, lemon gelato doesn’t have as many calories as regular ice cream and I don’t usually eat it anyway because it’s so filled with cholesterol and sugar, so lemon gelato is sort of my default choice.”

He kept prodding.

I kept explaining until finally he threw up his hands and said, “Why do you have to tell me all of this? I just asked you what kind of ice cream you want. Not the history of your relationship with ice cream.”

“Well, you asked.” I replied.

“Just because I ask doesn’t mean you have to reply,” he told me.

And then, I got it.

My preference was lemon gelato. I didn’t need an explanation — nor did he. It was my choice and I had the right to my choices without having to defend or explain them.

That lesson had such a profound impact it has stuck with me for almost 20 years. Sure, I may have some of the conversation not exactly as it happened, but the gist of it still remains — I was justifying my choice, defending my preferences, not because of his questions, but rather, because I didn’t feel, or believe, that I had the right to simply want what I wanted to have or do, without rationalizing, justifying, defending myself to other people.

I wasn’t honouring me.

The same is true when someone asks me to get involved in something that is not what I really want to do. I struggle to give my ‘no’ without finding excuses to justify my no — but I am in recovery!

I am learning to decline opportunities to get involved in other people’s projects that don’t align with my vision for my life — for no other reason than, that is my choice.

It ain’t always easy.

I want people to like me and I fear they won’t if I say no.

I want to feel needed and I fear people won’t want me if I say no.

I want to be part of the action, and I fear missing out if I say no.

I want to feel important, and fear I won’t count if I say no.

There are 101 reasons why I say yes when I really mean no.

All the reasons in the world don’t really matter when my ‘yes’ is actually my ‘no’. Because when I say yes when I really mean ‘no’, the outcome is almost always 100% not good. Saying yes when I mean no almost always results in my feeling resentful, disengaged, stressed, under-pressure, rushed and a whole host of negative emotions. I say almost always because there are some happy mistakes where I get involved in something I hadn’t intended to and it turns out really well.

But the majority of times… yup. It leaves me feeling not so good, about myself, the effort I put into something, the results I’ve achieved. I end up avoiding, people, situations, phone calls, emails and engage in all sorts of self-defeating behaviours only because I didn’t have the courage to stand my ground and speak my truth.

And saying, “but they pressured me into getting involved” doesn’t cut it.

I am 100% responsible for my choices. Regardless of how much pressure is exerted upon me by someone else, I am the one who is responsible for my ‘yes’ and my ‘no’.

Next time you’re faced with a decision, choice or possibility, and are inclined to say yes because you fear saying ‘no’, practice your ‘no’. You can add, thank you. thanks. or any other one or two word softener you feel compelled to give — but do not give an explanation. Stand by your no and be strong!

Not only will you give the other person the gift of your truth, and the opportunity for them to find the person who will be really, really committed to what they are doing, in your honest ‘no’ you might just find your ‘yes’ to what makes your life, your heart and your dreams shine.

I had a whole other blog written this morning.

and I’ve deleted it.

Personal accountability won’t let me post it.

My sense of fairness, my desire to do the right thing, won’t let me send it out into the world.

In Bruce Weinstein’s excellent book, Ethical Intelligence, he lists the 5 principles of EI as:

• Do no harm
• Make things better
• Respect others
• Be fair
• Be loving

As I move through my day, as I continue to work with the amazing people I work with who are committed to ending homelessness and to supporting people in their journey home, I begin with the realization that to do no harm means to allow space for all points of view, for all behaviours, without judging, condemning, criticizing and complaining.

I have let anger, confusion, disappointment, sadness discourage me.

The situation isn’t important — what’s important is — how will I respond? How will I behave?

We all have situations that create angst and cause concern.

My friend Ian at Leading Essentially, posted a catchy phrase from one of the coaches at a course he’s taking. She says, ““I would be happy if you would just change.”

I would be happy if the individual in question would just change their behaviour so that it doesn’t cause so much angst amongst people I admire who are working hard to end homelessness and are not doing what they do to create worse, they are doing it to create better.

But… the other person changing isn’t my issue.

What am I willing to do to change my perspective, to be fair, to be loving — all those are my responsibilities and concerns.

I cannot change another — and I can’t force them to see it my way either.

All I can do is create space for someone to be where they are, as they are, and in the process, accept that we are all where we are at, exactly as we are — and we’re all doing our best, where ever we’re at.

Sure, I may think they can do better — just ask me!

I may believe they’re ‘doing it wrong’.

But in fact, my thoughts about what they are doing are not the issue causing me angst.

My thoughts around how I am responding are.

Which is why I deleted my original post.

That post wasn’t about doing no harm.

It wasn’t about creating better or respecting others — I was respecting the people I work with, but not really all that respectful of the individual in question.

And it definitely wasn’t fair or loving.

So… I deleted it and am learning from it.

In essence, because of the dynamics of the situation, I am in a position of power.

To wield my power as a bludgeon, or a knife, is to do harm.

To exercise my voice as a tool to override theirs does not create better — it simply silences someone who is struggling, like all of us, to make sense of something in their world that is causing them pain, anxiety and fear.

to learn from my actions is my responsibility. To grow from my mistakes holds me accountable.

I wrote a blog this morning that did not create better in the world.

In writing it, I found my way clear to where I could see what I truly needed to do was to be more compassionate, caring, kind and fair.

In deleting it, I let courage draw me out of anger so that I could drive away my confusion and find myself once again, in Love.

May your day be filled with moments of grace that fill you up with limitless opportunities to be compassionate, caring, kind and fair. May you surrender all fear and fall in Love.

Namaste.

We do not know what we say or do that will impact another. We cannot control how what we do will create change, or resonate, or simply fall short in another beings life.

What I do know is that everything I do creates a ripple. It moves the energy around me and pushes it out into the world in invisible waves of…

And that’s the thing. It is the energy invested in those waves that creates the more I want to see in the world.

When I am angry and lash out, the energy around me is filled with the anger I’ve released into the world. The longer I hold onto my angry state, the more angry energy I invest into my ripple effect.

The longer I invest in anger, the deeper my ripple effect becomes entrenched in anger.

It is a no win situation. A dangerous course that will keep me entrenched in living life on the dark side, far from the light of love and joy and peace and harmony.

When I was released from that relationship that was killing me, I was afraid to ‘get angry’. Deep within me I believed that if I became angry, I would never become ‘unangry’. That was my experience in life. My father was an angry man. His anger could erupt like Vesuvius spilling over its rim, burning everything in its path.

And then, he’d stop. For my father, the anger was done. Over. But it never felt like it to me. Hyper-vigilant, I waited for the next eruption because, the ripple of his anger remained. It’s energy was always present and the longer I experienced his sudden explosions, the less I trusted the states where his anger was not present.

In that relationship that almost killed me (and in the end set me free), the memories of my father’s anger were triggered with every instance the man in question erupted in anger. The pattern was so similar to my father’s I eventually lost all discernment. I became convinced, somewhere deep within me, that his anger was my father’s anger and I was once again a powerless child.

Consciously, I was not aware of the deep-seated patterns of my fear of anger. I thought my angst was because of my fear of losing the man who promised to love me and who then continued to lie his way into my heart. In my confusion, and vulnerability to the deep-seated nature of my pattern of freezing and staying still in the face of anger, I became lost in the tsunami of fear that eventually overwhelmed me. Caught in the constant turmoil of my fear that the past truly was the present, I could not see my path out of the darkness. I began to believe there was no light.

I am so blessed.

When he was arrested and I was set free on that morning in May 2003, I was given the miracle of my life.

I knew I had to heal. I knew I had to set myself free of the past so that I could help my daughters heal from the trauma of that relationship, from the horror of almost losing their mother. I knew, deep within me, that if I did not heal myself, if I did not forgive myself and love myself, the sorrow and guilt and sadness of those dark days would be forever present between us.

At the time, there were a lot of voices telling me what to do. Get angry. Write a list of all the awful things he did so that you don’t forget how horrible he was/is. Don’t let down your guard.

I have to forgive myself first, I told them.

But it wasn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong.

What if it isn’t about fault and ‘wrong’. What if forgiveness is the gift I give myself so that the past no longer has a hold on me? What if, forgiveness is the path to love?

To heal, to be present for my daughters, to be real, I had to forgive myself so that I could love myself. All of me. And that included the part where I was a mother who deserted her children.

I could tell you it was a long journey to forgiveness. But in fact, it wasn’t. It was a choice. A daily decision to say, “I forgive me”. And, in that decision, in that simple statement was the choice to not write the litany of my sins, his sins and all the sins of everyone in the world who ever hurt me…

“I forgive me” became my mantra. My touchstone. My strength.

The more I said it, the more I believed. And the more I believed, the greater my truth became, I forgive me.

In forgiveness, the path to Love is always present.

Through forgiveness, the door to my heart is always open.

I am so blessed.

Once upon a time, I almost died for love. Today, the truth is, I live for Love, in Love, with Love always at the core of my being true to who I am, in every way I am in the world today.

In Love, I know my ripple radiates out in constant waves of all that I want to create more of in my life and my world. Because, the deeper my knowing of Love, the stronger its flow becomes in my life and in the flow of Love, the further my ripple stretches out to where I am living on purpose — touching hearts and opening minds to set spirits free.

Namaste.

If I had to rate where I was in my energy yesterday, out of a scale of 1 – 10, I was probably operating mostly between 4 – 6.

It wasn’t about changing my ‘rating’, (which I must mention is an arbitrary scale that exists only in my head) it was about bringing my 100% to where I was at.

And then I smile because I was going to write, bringing my 100% to bear where ever I was at, but I always get confused on bear and bare and didn’t want to embarrass myself by misusing a word.

Not using it as part of the sentence is me not bringing my 100% to my game. Acknowledging my fear is part of my 100%. And, whether I’m at a 2, a 6 or a 10, I must bring all of me to where ever I’m at and be me with all the 100% of me that is turning up in that moment.

Last night, when I got home, I grumbled and complained, and told C.C. all about my day. This bugged me. That bugged  me. I mean really, can’t they see if they just do it my way it would be perfect?

I even said, “I don’t often get like this but in this moment, this is where I’m at.”

And he smiled and gave me a hug and listened to me without judgement or  trying to fix me or offer me advice on how to change what I was thinking.

In his quiet acceptance of where I was, I felt heard and seen.

And it passed.

My disgruntled nature gave way to my ebullient self and I feel once again in balance. I began my day with meditation. I began my day with the conscious intention of living in the now, letting go of holding on and surrendering to fall in Love.

Now, in the process, I also see what it is that was grating against the grain of my essential nature. I know what is at the root of my disgruntledness.

And I am not powerless. Seeing what is there, it is up to me to — yup — turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome.

So often it is the ‘speaking my truth’ part that stymies me.

Not wanting to create waves, fearing the response of others, telling myself I am ‘wrong’ to feel the way I do or I’m being foolish can hold me back from bringing my 100% to my game.

To live as my authentic, essential self, to be present in the moment, to be the center of my ‘I’, I must fearlessly allow myself the grace of knowing my fear is present and moving into it anyway.

The opposite of fear is not fearless. It is courage. And in my fear, courage is present too. When I am driven by fear, it is courage that draws me out.

It takes courage to accept I am not at a 10 — and be okay with where I’m at. It takes courage to acknowledge I am seeing the world through cloudy glasses. And it takes courage to be willing to change them.

There is a situation that has been bothering me for some time. I have told myself it doesn’t matter. It’s not important. But I can see where I am doing what I’ve always done. Letting myself off the hook of turning up and being present to speak my truth. I have been giving into my fear of rejection and telling myself that ‘letting it go’ is the only way to find peace.

Peace is not built on the resentment that builds when I devalue my truth by letting something go that does not sit well with me — especially if my letting it go is based on my fear, and not my courage to be the change I want to create in the world.

Peace is built on allowing space for all truth to shine, including mine.

And to do that, I must surrender my fear and fall in Love. In love, courage speaks loudly. Courage creates space for me to see into the heart of where I was letting go of my need, my right and my responsibility to bring my 100% to bear or bare, where ever I am at.

And that’s the truth, no matter how I spell it.

You know those weeks that seem long, even before you get to the halfway mark?

For some reason, this is one of those weeks.

Could be because I have a lot on my plate, several ‘crisis’ situations I’m dealing with at work as well as a few days away next week that are pushing me faster towards that place where I want to ‘get it all done’ before I even get to it.

Or, it could simply be I’m out of esteem, off kilter, not breathing deeply enough.

And then I remember.

Oops. I didn’t begin my morning with meditation yesterday nor Monday.

No wonder I’m feeling the pressure of time and circumstances.

Time to breathe deeply and begin again.

Always begin again.

I know what keeps me in balance, at peace, calm.

And sometimes, I forget, I sleep in or choose to not get up early enough to give myself the time.  I tell myself I don’t need to do it today and suddenly, I’m feeling out of sync, mis-stepping my way through my day hurrying to catch up to where I want to get to without consciously thinking of the way I’m stepping. My attention focused on getting somewhere, anywhere, I forget, it’s not the destination that makes the journey, it’s each step that creates the path. It’s my mindfulness that embues each moment with grace.

Begin again. Always begin again.

And the key to beginning again… Accept I didn’t do, or did something I didn’t want to do, and stop judging myself for not doing whatever I did or didn’t do.

I think sometimes that is the hardest part of beginning again. To stop judging myself. To stop chastising my inaction, or mis-action, and lovingly accept my human imperfections with grace.

It’s seductive. The judging myself. The beating myself up and flailing myself with the whip of self-denigration.

Because in its seductive call to keep hoisting myself on my own petard, I get to play the victim. I get to be the one I most regret being. It allows me to stay stuck in that place where I tell myself, I can’t change, I never do anything right, I don’t deserve ‘the good’, I’m a loser, Why bother? And that’s where the seduction comes in. Beating myself up for my mistakes allows me to wallow in the victim’s place of telling myselfI am incapable of change.

I am eminently capable of change.

It’s just sometimes, I don’t like it. Or, I want to convince myself it’s too much work, takes too much energy, or requires too much attention — and who wants to always be responsible anyway? Who wants to continually have to turn up for themselves and stand true to their higher good and not play down to their lesser desires?

I mean really, why can’t I have my cake and eat it too?

It is my responsibility to “turn up, pay attention, speak my truth and stay unattached to the outcome.”

Sounds simple, yet often, the challenge begins with the turning up.

Why do I need to turn up? Why can’t I just give into being the brat? Being difficult? Being angry, confrontational, petulant, the problem? Why can’t I just be the bitch and to hell with everyone else?

Because, to live the life I dream of, the life I deserve, and to live passionately in the rapture of now, I need to let go of the things I know don’t work for me today.

I have to stop giving into my lesser desires and surrender to my higher good calling me to let go of limiting beliefs and behaviours so that I can shine for all I’m worth. And when I shine for all I’m worth, I create a world of wonder and awe all around me. In that place, I know contentment, calmness, serenity, peace of mind. In that place, I am aligned, authentic and real.

I awoke early this morning and told myself it was ‘a long week’. I didn’t feel excited to face my day, I felt tired.

It was just a thought. It’s all in my head. It’s all in my attitude. It’s my choice how I begin my day. Am I willing to begin it with grace and ease, or do I want to drag my heels into the morning?

What do I want more of in my life? (and in my journey through each moment?)

Passion. Serenity. Peace of mind. Beauty. Wonder. Awe.

What am I willing to do to create the more I desire?

Do the things I know feed my passion, my desire to live up to my higher good, my capacity to be the light I am that illuminates each step of my path through the darkness.

Which means… I must stop doing the things I know bring me down. Like skipping my morning meditation and beating myself up for my human condition and telling myself things that don’t love and support me.

See! Wasn’t that easy?

Namaste.

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky. — Rainer Maria Rilke

My dear friend Royce shared Rilke’s quote on my blog the other day in his comment.

When I see ‘the other’ as whole against the sky, I do not focus on the clouds. I do not see only the darkness, or the light. I see all of them, in their entirety and love the distance between us that gives me space to see their all as beautiful, complete, wondrous and magnificent.

C.C., my beloved and I are very different people. It’s not just that he is man. I am woman. He is tall. I am short. He is older. I am younger. He grew up in his family of origin. I grew up in mine. He had 12 siblings. I had 3. I am the youngest. He is the 3rd oldest. He lived on a farm. I’ve always lived in cities. He grew up in Canada. I didn’t.

It isn’t just the surface differences however that contextualize our relationship and make up the distance between us. It is deeper. More profound.

It is in those deep and profound differences, that the power of love prospers.

It is in those deep and profound differences that angst, confusion, and all that jazz grows too!

Learning to love the distance, and the differences, is the greatest gift of relationship. Learning to see into the distances between us, and see the heart of who we are, separate and together, gives me grace and fills our relationship with awe and joy and the knowing, there is no distance between our hearts that cannot be bridged by love.

My friend Maureen, who writes and shares wonderful stories of art-making and artists over at Writing Without Paper, also shared a quote that resonated deep within my being.

“I don’t know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes – it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, ‘Well, if I’d known better I’d have done better’, that’s all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, ‘I’m sorry’, and then you say to yourself, ‘I’m sorry’. If we all hold on to the mistake, we can’t see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can’t see what we’re capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others but in the end, the real forgiveness is in one’s own self.” Maya Angelou

When my daughters were small I taught them that who we are and what we do are not the same. Who we are is inviolate. We are miraculous beings. We are magnificent. Or, as I told the girls when they were young, you are fundamentally good, right to your core. Your behaviour? Well, that can be another matter.

We can change our behaviour. We can’t change the ‘who’ of who we are. We don’t need to.

When I know better, I do better, is a truism I believe in… with a caveat. When I have done something I am ashamed of, or that embarrasses me, if I don’t forgive myself for what I’ve done and commit to doing better, I will carry it with me and, as Ms Angelou states, it will be between my face and the mirror, it will haunt me. And in that place of shame, no matter how much I want to do better, or know better what to do, I will continue to repeat my mistakes because I am holding onto them and the shame of who I tell myself I am.

The same is true in relationship. When I do something that hurts my beloved, and do not acknowledge the hurt, it sits between us, disrupting our peace, our connection, our ability to see, and love, the distance between us against the whole of the sky.

Because when I do something that I know hurt him, or undermined our connection, I am always interacting with him with that something between our faces. I am always defending against my actions instead of expanding into my humanity and humility.

Now, for those who like to offer advice or want to know what is bothering me… that isn’t the point of this conversation. It is that both those quotes have got my mind thinking about relationship and wholeness and what am I doing to bring my best to the table of our relationship. Conversely, where do I come to the feast a pauper, holding onto feelings of not good enough, not worthy enough, not loveable enough to be at the table as an equal and worthy partner?

How I come to the table of our relationship is important. What I bring is equally as important. Do I bring my willingness to be vulnerable? Intimate? Open? Honest?

Or, do I bring all of me with reservations?

Do I fear the distance between us or, do I see in it the endless possibilities for us to share the path and love the all of who we are against the whole sky? Do I see our relationship as that place where no matter our differences, Love is the bridge we travel to span the distance between our hearts?

Food for thought.

Namaste.

I went to visit my mother last night in the care centre where she’s been for the past few weeks. She has been extremely depressed, not eating and losing too much weight. At 91, her weight was ten pounds less than her age when she arrived at the centre. “I have no appetite and I’m always tired,” she said.

“When you choose not to eat, you will be tired,” I replied.

“But how can I eat?” she asked. “I’m tired all the time.”

For my mother, the inciting incident was a woman at the assisted living facility where she lives who bullied her during a card game. Unable to let it go, her thinking kept spiralling around and around the events, her story became fixated on all that was wrong with what the other woman did and how it hurt her.

I’ve forgiven her, my mother said. But I’m not going to speak to her anymore.

Will that get you more peace or less peace? I asked.

My mother wants peace in her life. It is all she’s really wanted for a long time. Peace.

I have not always been the vessel of peace for my mother. I have struggled to let go of resentment. Of anger. Of feeling abandoned long ago by this woman who gave me birth.

I have struggled to be forgiving and loving and caring.

I can learn a lot from my struggle with my mother. I can grow a lot from seeing where in holding onto what I cannot change, I have held myself back from being all that I want to be in this world — kind, caring, loving, a light of joy, a circle of Love.

See, I’ve carried the same thinking as my mother. I forgive her, but I’m not going to trust her with my heart.

Hello? Who am I kidding?

One of the many things I learned through the experience of almost dying in my search for love in all the wrong places is that I cannot embrace forgiveness and love when I am holding onto fear.

I learned this — but where my mother is concerned, I did not practice it. I have held onto fear. I have kept my distance fearing she will do or say or respond in ways that will make the past, once again, the present. In my mind, I believe that to my mother I am not good enough. I am not who she wants me to be. And in holding onto the belief that I am not the daughter my mother wanted, I keep myself separate and away from being who I am when I let go of fear and stand in Love.

In fear, I forgive… with restrictions. I give… with expectations. I love… with limits.

As I sat with my mother last night and listened to her, really, really listened, my heart broke wide open. My mother has seldom known happiness, not the deep, deep joy of feeling at peace, at one with the world around you. Not because she didn’t want it. She did. Desperately at times. But life for my mother has not given her what she wanted. A lifetime battle with depression. Grief. Fear and worry have robbed her of the peace she so desperately wanted and continues to want today.

As I listened I thought about how challenging life is when depression and fear and worry drown our peace of mind and steal our joy.

I thought about how sad it is to not know our own magnificence. To not feel our own light shining brightly.

My mother has a kind and loving heart. It is the core of who she is.

And like me, she struggles at times to allow kindness to be her first response.

Like me, she has not always known she is worthy.

Like me, she has felt pain and hurt and sorrow and grief.

Like me, she has searched for understanding and yearned to be seen and understood.

Like me, she has struggled to make sense of the past. Struggled to let go of what was never meant to be held onto.

Like me, she is perfectly human in all her human imperfections.

Perhaps, it wasn’t the journey into the darkness of an abusive relationship that was my greatest teacher. What if, it is my lifelong relationship with  my mother? What if, in seeing and hearing my mother last night, in looking into the mirror of believing I can be present and loving, with conditions, I learn one of life’s great truths? 

I cannot embrace forgiveness and love when I am holding onto fear.

Our lives are filled with teachers. People who mirror for us our greatest fears, our biggest obstacles. With my mother, I have held onto the belief that to be safe, I must stand outside and not come in from the cold.

What if I am always safe when I stand in my light and shine fiercely beyond the limits of my fears?

What if I choose to live from the heart of my truth? I am always safe when I stand in forgiveness and embrace Love.

Shine on!