I want to write of gratitude
of how this year hasn’t been so bad
how there’s so much good that’s come out of
the bad
and how I’ve learned so much and grown
and found my way clear to living in this moment
but the darkness outside my window
seems to linger
and I feel myself falling
into its cloying embrace
hoping it might hold me
just a little bit longer
all the while hoping
it will let me go
find my way out of the darkness.
And my shoulders slump
and my body grows tired
of waiting for the morning light.
I lean back into my chair
close my eyes
and try to take a deep breath
but it’s not very deep
this morning breath filled with
the weary and worry of
these times
that seem to grow heavier
with every news report I read.
And as I sit with eyes closed
I hear my Auntie Maggie’s voice
who at 90 lives alone in the city in southern India
where she and my mother were born.
She hasn’t been out of her house since March
her only contact with ‘the outside world’
her two servants who come daily
and a neighbour who visits regularly
and her What’sApp calls
where she sometimes laughs and sometimes cries
and always sings me a song from her childhood
when she and my mother and all their siblings
lived together in what they called
their own private Shangri-la.
Your mama loved to sing, she says
And I remember and hear her sweet voice singing
her favourite Christmas song,
“Il est né le divin enfant
Jouez hautbois, résonnez musettes”
And I smile and open my eyes
and see
that in those few moments
while I sat with eyes closed and spirits flagging
the sun has broken through the darkness
and streaked the sky with rosy hues
that glow and pulse across the horizon
in undulating waves
of violet and pink and tiffany blue
and the trees are dressed in cloaks of rose-brushed gold
and the river flows deep in the morning glory
of dawn breaking free of night.
I want to write of gratitude
and find myself here
in this moment
falling
breathlessly
into the beauty of light
bursting through the cracks.
I want to write of gratitude
but words escape me
as I breathe into the grace
that arrives with every breath
when I let go of what I want
of what I miss or regret or yearn for
and let this prayer
of two simple words
be all that I can say.
Thank You.
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