I haven’t found it yet.
Not after cleaning and clearing out the back half of the basement and organizing my art supplies.
Not after clearing out the far corner of our bedroom (the reading corner) and organizing books and papers, clothes and paraphenalia.
Not after reorganizing the entire kitchen, culling dead spices and aged out dry goods.
And not after purposefully not filling my calendar with coffee dates and wine encounters.
I still haven’t found it.
My rhythm in the post-retired in the process of rejuvenation life.
And yes, I know. It’s only been seven weeks, four of which I spent away. But still… throughout my working life, my days were prescribed by the known of my routine; dependable, predictable regardless of unexpected happenings, crises and daily demands.
I feel adrift. Cast-away. Free-falling through time.
In the dissonance of my discomfort, I struggle against the flow and search for meaning in my life even in the presence of knowing, there is no need to search for meaning. The meaning is present when I am present in my life.
Ahhh. The ennui of taking myself too seriously!
Yesterday, Bernie at Equipose Life wrote about her search for her rhythm and I had to smile. I’d been wondering about the very same question since getting back from my month long trip and had been planning on writing/meditating on it today. Once coaching at Choices Seminars was over, I had this wide open playing field, and I was struggling to stay calm in the center of my life.
I think I’ve forgotten how to play in unscripted, unmarked spaces. To simply be in the moment of being rather than the rush of doing.
It’s possible I’ve spent decades forgetting.
And now, in the sudden onslaught of unscheduled time, I am peering too far into the future searching for some glimmer of what happens next.
I close my eyes and breathe deeply.
Patience grasshopper. Patience.
There is lots of time to figure out the future. There’s no other time than now to be present in today.
I take another breath, and the wise woman within whispers to my heart. “It’s okay. This unease will pass. Open your heart and bring your sights closer to home. Step lovingly into the space you’re in. Do not criticize yourself for feeling unease. Celebrate your willingness to be in its presence. And now, let go of looking into tomorrow. Today is calling.”
I open my eyes and smile. I am worrying about an unknown future when today is calling me to be present to its many gifts.
Outside my window the river flows past, the wind whispers through the leaves that line the bank. Through their filigree canopy I see the azure sky stretching out to the horizon.
I am in a land of new horizons. To be free of ‘what was’, I must stretch out of my comfort zone, lengthen the familiar muscles like the sky stretching out to the horizon and become present to ‘what is’.
Arms free, heart open I breathe into the possibilities, the joy, the wonder of being here right now. I slip into the river of possibility where life is inviting me to get into the flow of a new rhythm. When I quit figthing its pull, it will find me.
There is no need for me to crowd my time with a list of ‘important things to do’ or to worry about a yet to unfold future. Tomorrow will arrive soon enough.
I breathe into being present in my life right now. I open my heart and mind and greet the day. Life greets me back with its alluring invitation to release my fear and step into the flow of a new way of being in this world of wonder and possibility.