Day 1. The Ultimate Un-guide to Hope. Surrender all fear.

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Last Friday I made a commitment to myself to explore the question, “What is the more I seek?

For the past five days, I have meditated on the word, “surrender”, the first one on the list I felt were all inclusive of my seeker’s journey. (surrender, hope, faith, mystery, loss, God, and the power of love)

When I began, I had no predetermined idea of the right or wrong way for me to take this journey. Others have shared their thoughts and ideas, their opinions and suggestions. I am grateful for their words and contributions. You have each cast light upon my path. Each helped me see more deeply into the unknown of this exploration.

It is, first and foremost, a journey into the unknown.

When I began, there was lots I knew, but to delve deeper beneath my known’s, I had to trust I was safe following my intuition, allowing myself to be vulnerable without fearing judgement, criticism or change.

It has been fascinating to be the observer and the explorer. To watch not just where I step, but how I step. To let go of stepping and to hold onto nothing.

I did give myself a timeline. Five days per word, each day a map of my journey leading me deeper over the edge of reason into the unknown.

What is the more I seek?

It is not a thing. It is not an object or objects.

It is a feeling, a sense of knowing, wonderment, awe. A way of being. Present. Alive. Open.

It is the journey itself, not the answer I seek.

It is the art of holding on to nothing to have everything.

It is the gift of being open to all the Universe has to offer and receiving it gifts without fearing its many gifts and offerings.

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Today, I begin again with hope.

I read the definition and I laugh out loud.

Hope means to trust.

Trust?

Seriously. The Universe has a sense a humour and it loves to play its games with me.

Trust is my deep issue.

Trust is what I must always breathe into.

I hope.

I hope I can.

I hope I can do it. Know it. Be it. Have it. See it. Hear it. Feel it.

I hope I don’t get in my own way.

I hope I don’t forget to laugh. Cry. Leap. Jump. Dance and spin about.

I hope I remember to breathe into trusting the Universe and letting go fear.

I hope I remember to surrender… my fear of trusting.

Nameste.

Day 1: the ultimate un-guide to Surrender

surrender copy

Yesterday I made a commitment to myself to explore the question, “What is the more I seek?

To begin my quest, I wrote a list of words (surrender, hope, faith, mystery, loss, God, and the power of love) which I felt were all inclusive of my seeker’s journey and declared that I would dive deeper into clarity by exploring each word without expectation of an outcome.

Staying unattached to my need for an outcome is a challenge for me. I like to know what’s going on. I like to be in control, or at least give myself the illusion of being in control.

Realization 1:  The journey begins with surrendering my need for an outcome.

“Surrender”. It is a big word for me. A tough one.

I let go of my labelling of the word and begin.

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I enter meditation with a question. “What does it mean to surrender?”

My goal is to allow myself to fall effortlessly into the silence and allow answers to find their way to the surface.

It isn’t working. I find myself fighting, resisting, defending against the word.

I want to push it away. I want to cry out, “No! No! No! Look at those synonyms! You do not want to succumb, to yield, to give in. Don’t do it.”

My mind, ever-willing co-conspirator in over-thinking, resists the quiet space and leaps eagerly into the fray of my thoughts run amuck in my resistance to stillness.

It begins with criticism.

Why didn’t you start this quest on a Monday? Really? Who begins a spiritual journey on a Friday?

I ignore it.

It is unrelenting.

Surrendering is not good. Surrendering is a sign of weakness.

Weakness?

How can that be?

Is it true? Am I weak when I surrender?

A thought swoops in like a hawk diving for a mouse. “What are you surrendering to?”

Is it ‘to’ something or is it all about the act of surrendering with no outcome in sight, I wonder.

I breathe. I scurry after the last thought, searching in its entrails for the stillness of mind that comes when I surrender my thoughts to the nothingness of being present.

Resistance rises up. Again. 

Seriously? Can he not just stay quiet just this once?

I notice how I like to separate my thinking from my desire to be still.

My resistance to my resistance crumbles. I give up and submit to its call.

There’s something here, it says. There’s a piece of information that is important for you to see. Don’t stop thinking. Let the thoughts roll in.

I do not want a cloudy mind.

I want the stillness of reflection.

I find neither in my resistance to letting go of having to know the answer.

Surrender.

How can I surrender when my mind wants desperately to be in control?

Good question.

Live it.

Breathe into it.

Be it.

Surrender your desire to know and be present to your breath moving in and out.

Let go of your resistance. Stop defending against that which you fear and be present, right now. Allow yourself to…

Surrender.

I think I’d rather run away.

Is that another form of surrendering?

Or is that just a way of avoiding?

Good question.

And I begin again.

Live it.

Breathe into it.

Be it.