Deliverance and Other Irish Adventures

Believing deeply that getting lost often paves the path to self-discovery, my latest escapade began as many do: serendipitously. I had just dropped off a gratitude gift to the delightful Frank and Natalie, the host of the Irish Ladies’ Book Club, and the kind couple who assisted during my flat tire ordeal. After coffee and Frank’s glowing recommendation, I set off to explore the Millenium Cross.

True to form, I soon found myself bewilderingly off-course.

Instead of hiking towards the Cross, I stumbled upon the haunting site of The Graves of the Leinstermen. This is where, according to legend, early in the 11th Century, the King of Leinster was ambushed and killed en route to Kincora to woo King Boru’s daughter. King Boru’s wife, opposed to the union, had conspired his demise, ordering her husband’s men to set up an ambush on the trail.

Thinking I was walking towards the Cross, I set off with gusto and began an uphill trek into the Arras mountains. But between the foreboding clouds hinting at rain and the absence of my trusty knee brace, I soon had second thoughts. About 15 minutes in, on a slippery, mud-caked path, my instincts screamed for retreat.

I trudged back. At my car, I asked the guidance from a passerby. Did the road continue on and lead me back towards Portroe, where I needed to be by 5pm without having to take the road already travelled?

She reassured me it did and armed with her directions, I once again set off, forward. I thought I was following her directions but… what felt like the correct left turn soon turned into a narrow muddy and treacherous path leading downhill through dense woods. With my tires sliding precariously on the steep, muddy decline and my heart in mouth. I pulled on the handbrade and came to a stop.

I knew this couldn’t be the right road but I had few alternatives. The narrow forest-lined trail offered no exit, save to cautiously move forward. Easing off the clutch, shifting into first girl, I began to inch slowly forward.

Then, almost out of a scene from an old movie, a bend led me into a dead end leading to a decript yard littered with relics of old machines, children’s toys, furniture and other objects that had lost thier connection to whatever they may have been, complete with, a weather-beaten stone cottage.

It felt like I had been thrust into an eerie Irish rendition of “Deliverance”.

My intuition suggested caution, but the need to turn around urged me towards that timeworn cottage. Its gate moaned with age as I stepped through, and angry dogs could be heard growling and barking from beyond the door. The suspense was palpable as I knocked, half-expecting an ominous response. But silence, except for the incessant barking, filled the air.

Getting no response to my knocking, and urged on by my fear the dogs might break through the door, I raced back to the car, drove it into the yard, turned around. All the while, half expecting a grizzled face to suddenly appear at the driver’s winder, waving a double barrel shotgun, screaming at me to go away!

Heart pounding, adrenalin coursing, I sped away, as fast as the muddy track and steep incline would allow, grateful for the escape.

Over a delicious dinner prepared by my gracious host, Pippa of the Half Door Cottage, she later confirmed my unease about that mysterious place.

As I told her the story of the woods I’d become lost in, her eyes grew wide and she shuddered visibly. She knew exactly where I’d ended up. “You don’t want to be meeting with those folk,” she cautioned. And in hushed voice she added, “It’s rumoured there’s a lot of clandestine activity going on in those woods.”

The view through Pippa’s kitchen window

But here’s the thing, as thrilling as that experience was, my journey wasn’t all danger and suspense. That evening, after dinner, we headed to the opening of the Dromineer Nenagh Literary Festival. By sheer coincidence, my trip to Ireland and the Half Door Writer’s Retreat overlapped with this literary feast.

The readings, by Vona Groarke and Kit de Waal, felt transformative. It was as if a grand door to an entirely new literary adventure swung open before me.

Waiting for the authors

Life’s detours, both literal and literary, continue to prove enlightening. Whether finding ancient graves, narrowly escaping a Deliverance encounter in ominous woods, or being inspired by poetic readings, every twist and turn deepens my belief: “It doesn’t matter how or where adventure unfolds, when approached with optimism and arms wide open to the possibility of the best, every outcome is a blessing.

Today I Choose Me.

I have been away. Mentally and physically.

The mental absence came first. Summer. Heat. Smoky skies. Long days. Short nights. They all intersected as I slipped into summer doldrums, taking leave of fingers skimming keyboard amidst my morning ritual of writing.

In summer’s lingering days, I return. Slowly.

Last night, in the writing circle I share with Ali Grimashaw and four other women poets, I wrote a poem I’ve titled, I Am Not Lost.

I was not lost to this space. I was somewhere else, living, breathing, being present, in all my messy liveliness. Warts. Bruises. Beauty and all.

Fashion blogger and new age spiritualist, Audrey Kitching writes, “Take a break and give your soul what it needs.”

I wonder if my break was my soul’s need or my critter mind’s desire?

Only I have the answer.

I choose to beleive my break was necessary. A needed rest from putting fingertips to keyboard and letting the words fall out.

Last night, I wrapped my fingers around a pen and let the words flow onto the lined pages of my poetry journal.

It felt…. soul-refreshing. reviving. Like I was pouring cool spring water down my throat at the end of a long journey across the desert.

Perhaps my break was the desert? Perhaps, my critter mind did have control, willing me to step away from doing what I know feeds my soul every morning.

I smile.

The mind is a facile place when questioned on its intentions.

Good, bad, indifferent – I get to choose how I label everything in my life.

Today, I choose labels that nourish and sustain me. Today, I choose labels that fill me up with possibility, hope, and the gift of being present within all that I bring to this moment, right now.

Today, I choose Me. Right here. Where I am..

I Am Not Lost.
©2023 Louise Gallagher

It’s called Kintsugi, she says
holding the round bowl towards me.

I savour it on my tongue,
press my lips against its smooth
delicious consonants and vowels.

Kintsugi, I breathe.

I cup the bowl in my hands,
my fingers etch the golden strands 
linking the broken shards of pottery.

Kintsugi, I whisper, pressing my lips against the word
holding it tight within my body.

You are not broken, she says. 
You are mended fragments of light
surrounding the broken spaces
where once you believed
you were lost.

You are not lost.
You are here, holding this bowl
that once was broken.

My hands cup its smooth surface.
I trace the cracks and feel the light
returning.

I am not broken.
I am not lost.
I am here.

Where words bloom like roses.

I played in my studio this weekend. It has been a while.

Though summer is often a time of little studio play, this year’s sojourn away from its creative space was especially long.

I kept telling myself I was bored with it all. I just wasn’t interested. I had other things to do.

In reality, and retrospect, I was engaging in a lot of self-denial of engagement with the things that lift me up, balance and challenge me, and give my creative essence the spark it needs to keep flowing freely. And, when my creative essence flows freely, I feel calmer, happier, more spacious, more ‘me’.

I know I am not alone in my self-denial of the things I know are good for me.

Some time ago, I was chatting with a woman at the park as we walked along the river. Her two-year-old rescue, Toby, wanted desperately to play with Beaumont the Sheepadoodle. Beau was only interested in my throwing the ball.

Like me, she loves to write.

“I started a book three years ago,” she shared. “When COVID hit, I thought it would be the opportune time to finish it. I’m still only a quarter of the way through.”

I shared some of my unfinished manuscript stories and we both laughed and promised to check in on one another’s progress at our next park encounter.

Recently, we ran into each other again at the park. We chatted for a while until finally I blurted out, “So… I don’t have much of an update on progress to report.”

Sheepishly, she shared she didn’t either.

We chatted awhile about the obstacles, the why not’s, and the things that got in our way of doing what we say we want to do.

“I desperately want to finish it,” she said of her manuscript. “I just don’t know if I can.”

We looked at each other when she said that and laughed.

It is a shared experience.

See, intellectually I know I can do it but… and there’s always a but… my lack of conviction of the ‘can’ has more to do with the critter-mind’s constant chattering about why I shouldn’t do it.

Now that was a revelation as I sat in meditation this morning.

Why does the critter-mind believe I shouldn’t do it?

The answer is fairly simple.

The critter-mind always believes it knows best, particularly when it comes to keeping me safe. And the critter-mind believes that convincing me not to devote the time, energy and creative power necessary to complete this book is safer than risking failing, or never getting it published, or having it panned by readers, yada, yada, yada.

And so I wonder… What would happen if I simply turn up, pay attention and stay unattached to the outcome?

Will the critter-mind lose its power to convince me not to do it? In staying unattached to the outcome, will the creative act of putting words onto a page become the process through which I experience joy, happiness, fulfillment and love?

I wonder… What would happen if I imagine every word I type to be an act of love? Will words bloom into everything I imagine?

Fear is the Opportunity to Awaken

Front Cover

I am practising the art of “begin again“.

For years, I dutiflly wrote my ‘morning pages’, the art of writing it out every morning as proscribed by Julia Cameron in “The Artist’s Way”.

For years more, I let it go.

I loved writing my morning pages, but… but… but…. Blogging. Busyness. Basically telling myself I didn’t need to, kept me off the habit of my morning pages.

Unscripted time welcomed me back. Particularly as I don’t have a deadline in the mornings in which to get it all completed. I only have… time in its endless flow.

I have begun again.

This morning, as I sat and wrote, I invited my mind to stop ‘forming thoughts’ and to simply let whatever thoughts were swimming about in my head become visible on the page. The words formed and I smiled as I saw the theme emerge: Believe.

Yesterday, as I sat in my studio and created simply for the sake of creating, a booklet created itself. Its theme:  Believe.

Everything is connected to everything.

For much of my life I feared ‘dreaming’. Feared planning my own life built on my own dreams because… well there are a whole lot of deep psychological roadblocks that formed as little speedbumps when I was a child and kept getting built bigger and bigger as I encountered life’s challenges and disappointments.

Needless to say, countless hours of therapy, breath work, group work, writing it out, talking it out and self-actualizing it out have diminished the roadblocks. Now they’re simply speedbumps that are easy to navigate as long as I consciously drive with my intention to live fearlessly in this moment gripped firmly in my hands, heart, mind, body and spirit.

The 9-to-5 was perfect for someone afraid of dreaming. It gave me a destination. A plan. A purpose. It gave me structure.

Set free, I met my fear opening up in my morning pages. At its root, my fear of dreaming.

And I smile.

Fear is the opportunity to awaken.

My fear lives in my mind. I am in control of what I feed my mind. Healthy, empowering thoughts, or garbage.

My choice.

I’m choosing morning pages, bright sunlight and a steady diet of clarifying my dreams so that I can create the structure that will support their fruition.

It’s an exciting journey. I can feel it in my bones, my blood, my body.

And I smile again. I’m obviously into the 3 B’s this morning.  (Yup! I do amuse myself!)

I’ve put the book I made on the desk beside my computer. It is my reminder to believe. In me. Life. Possibility. And in that belief, to follow my dreams, my heart, my desire to create. My desire to make a difference in this world by inspiring others to connect with their creative core and express themselves freely.

I don’t know what the outcome will look like, and that’s okay. For now, I am allowing what is percolating to bubble up and become expressed, however it chooses to be expressed.

In that expression, I am creating clarity. With clarity, purpose follows. And in that inspiring space, my dreams will follow and I will follow my dreams.

Namaste.

 

 

 

AlexisMarieInk

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Image by: Britney-Gill-Photography

 As many know, my eldest daughter is an exceptional writer and a fearless soul.  For a year plus she wrote daily at How I Survived Myself and recently (Jan 1) launched her new website Alexis Marie Ink.

While I am healing my neck I will only be posting once a week. I hope you join Alexis on her journey as she casts light on our human journey and condition.

Alexismarieink