I am off to visit my grandson for a few days. Oh. And my daughter and son-in-love too! 🙂
I’m smiling. My heart feels light and though it is dark outside still, the brilliance of this day invades my senses.
I am off and may or may not have time to be here. My grandson and I like to spend the early morning times together as the rest of the household sleeps. It’s my favourite time of day. Just the two of us. Me watching him. Him chattering and playing. We sing and chat and build blocks and I shall treasure every moment.
There is no pklan. No schedule — other than his naps — to conform to. No get here. Get there. There is only this beautiful time to spend with those I love savouring our connection.
Recently, I was called a ‘white woman’. It did not feel like a compliment.
Last week, someone suggested some information I provided was not true. In their inference that I was hiding the truth, it felt like I was being called a ‘liar’. Their comments did not sit well with me.
This morning, in meditation, acceptance and surrender opened up into gratitude.
I do not like being called a ‘white woman’ nor a liar. However, when I move into gratitude for the opportunity to grow through the angst of my reactions to these two separate and distinct yet interconnected circumstances, I move beyond anger to a place of calm.
People can only see the world through their own unique lens. Calling another names, or defending against the truth they speak by implying they are lying, is a reflection of where each of us sits in our individual journey towards self-awareness and acceptance.
Feeling angst and anger over what another has done to us is a reflection of where we have tender spots within that need loving care and attention.
I respect where the individual who named me ‘white woman’ was coming from. They are on their own journey in a world of contradictions.
I have struggled to find peace in the situation where someone implied I was lying. This is my reputation they are playing with. My credibility. “How dare they!” I want to cry out, the child within stirring uneasily in memories of the times as a little girl when I was called a liar by my family, even though I desperately wanted them to believe I was telling the truth. And the critter inside my head leaps into action. Hissing wildly, he insists I pay no attention, take no heed of their words. Stamping his tiny little critter-like feet, he echoes my fearful thoughts, “How dare they!”
Breathing deeply I gently and lovingly remind myself to come home to my heart, to my place of inner truth and grace.
My responsibility is to be accountable for me. My value, my worth is found in how I move through the world, acting with integrity and grace in all things. It isn’t about ‘turning the other cheek. Holding others accountable for their actions is important. Even more important for my sense of self-respect is to recognize where someone else’s words have created angst within me and to address my responses so that I walk in my integrity.
And still, the critter hisses. How dare they!
And my heart responds.
They dare because, like me, they know fear.
They dare because, like me, they have unhealed places inside their hearts and minds.
They dare because, like me, they have known the pain of rejection.
They dare, because, like me, they have known the shame of blaming others and of being wrongfully blamed by others.
They dare because, like me, they have known the angst of trusting the untrustworthy and of acting in untrustworthy ways.
They dare because, like me, they are human.
We are all on this journey of life together, swimming in the waters of our humanity, struggling to find solid ground in being who we are, without fearing who the other is, will somehow diminish or distract from our worth.
We are all worthy. Sometimes, in our fear we are not, we search for our worthiness by daring to express our humanity in ways that harm or hurt or confuse others.
To know our true worth we must dare to confront our own humanity; contradictions and truths, beauty and the beast, ying and yan, dark and light. In our seeing into the darkness that is present in the light, we must embrace unequivocally the truth of who we are. We are human.
Moving into gratitude for my human condition, grace finds me where I’m at, embracing me in the healing waters of forgiveness and acceptance.
I am a ‘nester’. I like to create spaces around me that feel like me, that speak to my essence.
Last night, I entered my new studio space and began to play.
It felt right. Good. Peaceful.
This morning, I pulled my Artist’s Way Creativity Card and for the second time in a week, pulled, Self-Expression.
And the same phrase at the end of it made my cringe. The card reads:
“Art lies in the moment of encounter: we meet our truth and we meet ourselves; we meet ourselves and we meet our self-expression. We become original because we become something specific: an origin from which work flows.”
It’s the ‘from which work flows’ that causes me confusion.
Art-making is fun, my mind whispers, and I can’t tell whether it’s my higher good or the nasty little critter who likes to trip me up. I know it’s him when I hear, “If it’s not fun, don’t do it.”
Sometimes, art-making isn’t all fun. It’s sweat and tears and fears and trials and errors too.
Like last night.
I wanted to create a seascape.
Forgetting that the plastic sheet beneath me often finds its colours running into my work, I set to work to create a serene, tranquil scene of ocean meeting sea.
Except, purple and fuschia ran onto the page. Purple and fuschia are hard to hide when working with ocean blues and sky. The painting morphed into a mountain scene by a lake. Slightly abstract. Slightly surrealistic.
I decided to experiment.
I reached for the black marker and began outlining some of the spaces. ‘Some’ led to most and the end result became much more grounded and lively.
Play. Work. Fun.
And still, the critter wants me to escape ‘the work’ and stick with the fun.
My higher good flows in with its quiet graceful ways and asks, “If you don’t consider your art and creativity work, what is it?”
My thinking mind immediately leaps to an answer. “It’s nothing.”
And that’s when I realize the truth. That mountain scene with its many colours and bold outlines is like my brain. There are many compartments, all of them connected, all of them flowing together with each area having a specific and original way of being part of me. There are specific, functioning areas within my brain that comprise its whole. Where I put my attention, where I spend my energy is important.
I can allow myself to be hijacked to the amygdala, the place of fear and primitive responses, or I can consciously raise myself up to my frontal cortex, the higher functioning center of proactive and creative self-expression and executive directionality.
I painted last night. I painted in my new space, savouring the joy of light streaming in through the french doors and Yo-Yo Ma’s cello playing in the background.
I painted and found myself in that place of clarity where I know, who I am is a creative expression of my unique essence. In my self-expression, definitions of ‘work’ that made it hard for me to let go of my ‘work’ identity flow away, and I become immersed in the joyful work of letting my creativity flow free.
Play. Work. Fun.
It’s a beautiful balance of joy and laughter, creativity and curiousity flowing freely as my fear of my self-expression runs wild with the truth that who I am is an original.
Who you are is original too.
Express yourself. Set yourself free to be. Savour your self-expression and dive in to Play. Work. Fun. Make it part of everything you do.
I played yesterday. I set aside my list of ‘todo’s’ and immersed myself in the pure joy of spreading colour and texture upon a canvas. Well, Yupo paper to be exact.
Yupo paper is a synthetic sheet of plastic that alcohol inks do not soak into but instead, float on the surface until they dry. It’s what gives them such vibrancy and unpredictability. That, and their chemical make-up.
My chemical make-up has been struggling with the fears, tears, frustrations, angst of imminent retirement. I smile as I read back on what I just wrote. This having an end date without a ‘destination’ is rather daunting! And while I am excited, thrilled, filled with anticipation and joy, this transition time also has its ennui.
Who am I without my title? Who am I without a place to be every day? People expecting me to turn up, have answers, make decisions, make things happen?
And while I know the answer is “I am all of me and then some”, there is still this place of angst to navigate and cross-over.
It is a threshold. It is part of living because life is filled with thresholds. Some easier to cross than others. Some harder.
In a workshop I recently took with the incredible Kelly Lee Bennett , she encouraged each of us to create a list of 100 Aspirations.
At lunch last weekend with my beautiful friend Kerry Parsons, she encourged me to leave off determining the ‘how’ of my aspirations until after I’ve spent the summer enjoying life, savouring downtime and alone time and time to play with my grandson and my creativity. “Can you give yourself space to just be present without having to set any goals?” she asked me.
Goals are the ‘how’ of my aspirations. They are the concrete, measurable steps I need to take to create reality to the things to which I aspire.
Aspirations are my ‘why’, my heart-driven, emotional sometimes whimsical thoughts of what I’d love to create in my world if…. my life were ideal, my world perfect. I was living my dreams.
Goals are factual. Aspirations are an expression of my inner self, my feelings and emotions.
Since moving into this home a year ago, I have been planning on having our builder come back to build out my studio space downstairs. One of the deterents has been C.C. and my conversatoins on where to put the studio versus where to put his ‘den’. You know that man cave where he watches sports, drinks beer and throws peanut shells on the floor — okay the throwing peanut shell bit is not true but it paints a true picture of what the space is for.
I need light.
He needs…. whatever light he feels like turning on.
Hence, the debate has been studio in the front end of the downstairs walkout leading to the river or, in the farside where there are no windows.
Not having the studio builtout has resulted in my using the kitchen island as my makeshift studio. It’s 14 feet long so there’s lots of room to paint and cook, but, I do put everything back at the end of every painting session simply becuase I don’t like the mess.
It’s also meant I haven’t had much space to work with anything other than the inks.
Yesterday, I jettison my ‘to do list’ in favour of creating a space in the walk-out side of the downstairs for me to paint. (You know, the ‘to hell with waiting to make the decision, I’ll just take matters into my own hands’ kind of move that gets one thing done immediately — and leaves the rest of what needs to be decided until later.)
I am grateful. Relieved. Happy.
Something in my heart went click, like the tumblers in a safe’s combination falling into place.
I have a space, a place. To create in. To dream in. To aspire in.
I have an artist’s space.
It is filled with light. Beauty. Possibility.
I threw away my ‘to do’ list yesterday. I played with inks and then, decided to get busy creating for myself a space where I can come home to the canvas, to my art journal pages to find myself at ease, inspired by the sheer joy of letting my creative expressoins flow freely.
Hello retirement! Or, as Thelma Box, founder of Choices Seminars calls it, ‘Refirement’. I am all fired up about the wide open terrain before me as I step lightly into the undefined, unmapped possibilities of my life.
So…. you know when you get one of those emails that makes you go… What on earth are you going on about? Okay, well maybe stronger language is warranted given that the email I read in my personal account this morning was from a hacker stating that I was to deposit a certain about of bitcoin into an account, otherwise, they would release all my porn watching history to all my followers etc.
Except… I do not have a porn watching history, which means anything they release will be fabricated too. And threatening me with their perverse idea of what will cause me fear is rather ridiculous as, if I did watch porn then I wouldn’t care who knew anyway as I would have to have found a way to love myself for having watched it in the first place – so why would I fall for their threats of doing something that they think would cause me shame or fear others knowing?
Now I get that hackers are adept at creating something that isn’t to look like something that is. But here’s the deal, one thing hackers should do is become more proficient in the English language and more adept at picking threats that work for the individuals to whom they are sending their threats, especially when those threats are filled with technical jargon I do not understand.
To be fair, I should confess that the email did cause my heart to flutter wildly for a few moments, and for confusion to cloud my thinking.
Which is unfortunate, or perhaps fortunate, given that my meditation this morning was particularly soul-inspiring and enlightening.
In my meditation I was a leaf floating on the surface of a gentle river. I felt peace. Calmness. And then, I became a shimmering body of water that lifted up out of the water, not quite human in its dimensions and form, a radiant stream of water that rose higher and higher above the earth, at peace with all it saw and witnessed as it rose into the deep silence of space.
And as the body of shimmering water rose, the voice of reason within whispered, “There is beauty in all things. Even problems. The secret is to rise above until the problem appears as an integral part of the exquisite mosaic of life on earth.”
And so, having risen above this problem of the hacker’s threats, I settle once again into that place where I am at peace with all that is in my world, including a hacker’s threats.
I cannot change what others do to create value in their lives. I can feel sad for their need to create havoc in other’s lives and I can wish for them a miracle of enlightenment as I am not powerful enough to change the course of those with evil intent. I can also breathe into forgiveness and repeat, as I must when I feel cornered or like I have given way to fear or bad behaviour/thoughts/words concerning another:
Finding peace in forgiveness, and gratitude for my many blessings, I remind myself that, “The rest is all just stuff.”
Lovingly, I raise myself up out of the mire of my fears into soulful living and lovingly invite the soul of the ‘other’ to rise with me,
PS. Yes. I will still do what is necessary to safeguard my email by taking my computer to an expert (someone who understands both the technology and the lingo is helpful) what I don’t have to do is fret about the outcome. It shall be whatever it shall be and I shall always be me.
I knew it was there. Could feel it. Sense it. Perceive it.
I seldom have to go looking for it. It’s always there. Always lurking, pulling me back, stopping me up, pushing me away from my desire to live life fully in the rapture of now.
It doesn’t have to sneak up, slink in, or crawl under my defences. It just is. There. Here. Present. Even in times like last this morning, when I am deep into meditation, it turns up. I’d say it’s uninvited but seriously, it’s so accustomed to being present, it doesn’t need an invitation.
It just is. My resistance.
And there it was, as I tripped the light fantastic of a guided meditation focused on releasing to surrender, resistance turned up to pull me back from its believe I was at the edge of danger, of falling over the edge of holding on..
I wanted to give it a kick, but seriously, I was deep in meditation. Violent responses are not appropriate!
Resisting the pull of my resistance, I breathed deeply.
Surrender thy will, the voice of knowing whispered. Surrender thy will.
I didn’t want to. Surrender. Surrender means to give in. To let go. To release my control.
I don’t like giving up control.
Surrender thy will, the voice whispered in a loving stream of consciousness that floated out all around me into the star lit morning sky. Surrender thy will.
And tears flooded my eyes.
Surrender thy will.
I breathed. And surrendered and was bathed in the beautiful light of Love that radiated out from my heart into the night. And in that light I was One with the One. I was immersed in the power of the moment where I was completely, totally, at peace, right where I was, exactly as I was born to be. In that light I was the One I was waiting for. I was the reflection of Love that flowed in and all around me. And I knew, without fear, without hesitation, without question, we are all the beauty and the magnificence of our being who we are meant to be when we let go of resisting our magnificence, our beauty, our Love.
In the radiant light of knowing nothing other than to surrender, I felt my heart break open, my soul shift in delight, my spirit spread its wings. In its beauty, I found myself surrendering my will to let Love be all that I am, all that I know, all that I become when I release my resistance to Love.
Softly, the voice within whispered, “There is no need to resist. No need to hold onto control. To hold back on surrender. There is no need. There is nothing unmet, nothing unknown. There is no need to need. Breathe into the light and surrender Thy will to Love.”
How divinely inspiring. To be grateful for my bottomless well of ignorance. How freeing.
In that bottomless well there are so many questions unasked, unanswered, unknown. So many questions that do not need answers, just the exploration. There are so many ideas to explore and so much learning to grow through the exploration without any need of finding the end of the thread that lead me down the path of discovery into the waters of life unlived.
I am trying on her words this morning. Wearing them like a veil of possibiity. Like a good luck charm.
Think about it.
No matter how many years add up to our limited time on earth, no matter how much wealth we have or have not accumulated, how many cars sit in our garage or how many designer handbags line our closet shelves, we all share this infinite capacity to learn, grow, evolve. We all experience this bottomless well of ignorance that can never be filled — not because we can’t fill it, but rather, because this big, beautiful, crazy, messed up world is full of things we cannot know, cannot fathom. We are alive in a universe of infinite proportions and we, mere humans, cannot divine all there is to fathom of the beauty and magnificence of this world before the adding up of our days expires into dust. How exciting!
I needed Joyce’s words this morning. Needed their sense of infinite possibility.
I opened my work email before coming to this page this morning. (I know. I know. What on earth was I thinking?) I opened my email and found a couple of items that need my attention and for a moment, in all their clamouring for answers I do not have, I felt frustration rise, confusion descend. Momentarily mired in that space of… how on earth do I respond to this?… I lost sight of my bottomless well of ignorance.
And then, I had the wonderful good fortune of going to read Joyce’s words, and I smiled, my heart opened up, the tension that had started to build in my shoulders at the thought I did not have readily available answers, eased.
No matter how many days I have tucked under my belt, which seems to be ever expanding with time’s girth, I don’t have to have ‘the answers’. I just have to be willing to experience the journey of exploring what I do not know. I just need to be willing to dive deep into the bottomless well of my ignorance to explore what is possible when I don’t assume it is answers I’m searching for, it’s the experience.
In that space of unknown questions infinitely lurking behind ready to pick off the shelf answers, I choose to heed the invitation to stay open to the infinity of the unknown, letting my curiosity pull me into exploring the possibility that clarity will embrace me when I stop fighting the confusion of not knowing. Reveling in not having answers, I take this journey, fully unqualified, savouring my lack of travelling finesse. How divine.
I am grateful this morning for my bottomless well of ignorance. That beautiful, dark, secret-filled place where I am free to dive deeply into what lies beneath the surface of living life intentionally doing what I am supposed to do. Letting go of ‘supposed to’ or should, I untether my spirit and soar into the depths of my heart beating wildly in time to the rhythms of what cannot be divined in the light of day and can only be discovered when I let go of swimming with my feet firmly planted on the ground.
Thank you Joyce for reminding me to be grateful for all there is to discover when I let go of having to know the answers!
Okay. Maybe not the making, but I love that feeling a decision made creates within my psyche. That place where I can give a deep sigh of relief and contentment. That place where I give into the feeling of letting go that washes over me as the anxiety I’ve been holding in as I’ve deliberated over what to do, what to do becomes, I know what I want, need and will do settles in. With my maserations over what to do or not to do completed, I breathe into the space between what was and what will be. Like a trapeze artist mid arc of letting go of one bar, I hang effortlessly suspended in the wide open field of possibility between the known and the unknown. The other bar approaches. I do not yet need to reach out. I am trusting in gravity. The process. Life.
All is well with my heart. All is well in my world.
With the entering stage left of the new Exec. Director for the family homeless shelter where I work, I had two options: to stay or to go. To stay meant stepping back into my former role. To leave meant to face the great unknown, and to wrestle my psyche into accepting, everyone and everything will be okay.
I’ve chosen the ‘everyone and everything will be okay’ exit strategy. I’ve set a date. Connected with the new ED to let her know and will be informing theorganization this week of my timeline.
I feel calm. Centered. Confident.
On Friday, a woman I admire and respect in the sector came to visit and sat with me as we mulled over my transition plan. “You don’t owe anyone anything,” she said. “You’ve done an amazing job. Achieved things there no one else has ever been able to do, even though they tried. You deserve to enjoy the summer, spend time with your grandson and family. Time enough in the fall to determine what’s next.”
She was right. My ego wants me to believe I can’t leave. The gaps in the leadership team the new ED is facing are significant. I need to stay and help out. It will make it better for her.
But what is best for me?
The night I received the phone call advising me of the Board’s decision, C.C. and I had a long chat about next steps. What do you want to do? he asked.
I want to paint and write and create a world of possibility. And more than anything, I want to let go of the anxiety that comes with feeling I owe it to others to ‘do the right thing’ in a way that makes it easier for them.
See, that’s my game. I create value for myself in ‘the world out there’ by taking care of what I think others need to achieve their goals.
Did I mention it’s a self-defeating game? It is. Because in feeling like they need me to get the job done, I abdicate on my self-responsibility to live my own dreams. I put other’s dreams first because I do not take mine seriously.
My dreams have worth. Meaning. Significance for me. In telling myself my dreams can wait, beause my value comes when I am of value to others, is simply not true.
We are all of value. All of worth. Whatever we are doing, our value does not come from what we do or what others think of us. It is not found in the depth of our bank account or the horsepower under the hood of our newest vehicle or the title on our desk. Our value is derived from the very nature of our humaness; our being present in this world. A world where we must all be dreamers if we are to create a world worth living for.
In this hurting world, we need all need to believe in our dreams for better. We need to all dream big. To create possibility for better in a world where kindness and generosity of spirit ignite our collective action to change the course of anger, fear, war and hate that abounds in the world around us.
I have always wanted to make a difference in the world. Accepting I do and have is one of my life-long lessons. Believing in my dreams is my responsibility. Working to achieve them my right.
I am an experiential learner. Life is an experiential journey. I am learning to believe in my dreams and am so grateful life keeps serving up such amazing lessons for me to embrace its lessons and dive into living my best life ever, every day living my dreams come true!
Spring-like weather is descending upon our city and with it, the melting of snow during the day and sheets of ice forming during the night as temperatures dip just below freezing with the sun’s setting.
Earlier this week, a patch of snow on the roof caused a sheet of ice to form at the corner of our walkway as you approach the front door. The first time I tried to traverse it, I almost slipped. We promptly threw some de-icer and it disappeared. It took a few more de-icings before the mound of snow on the corner of the roof melted and de-icing was no longer necessary.
Like life. There are patches of tricky spots, unhealed spaces, unknown hurts that lurk waiting to slip us up as we navigate life’s roads. De-icing is necessary.
This past week I have immersed myself in navigating new waters as the organization I work for prepared to name its new Executive Director. It is bittersweet for me. I love the work I do. Love working with the families we serve and the team. I love the feeling that comes with making a difference.
As in all things, however, doors open and close, opportunity knocks and new horizons beckon.
I have always been clear with our Board of Directors that I am not prepared to commit to more than a couple of years in this role. They needed more and thus, yesterday, a new ED was announced.
At the beginning of the week when I was informed of the decision, my ego, in concert with the nasty critter who likes to remind me of my human frailties, tripped me up. “See. I told you so. Nobody wants you,” it whispered fiercely. “You don’t belong.”
Now, those are old core messages that emanate from my lizard brain in moments when I feel unsafe, fearful or at risk. I know them. I see them and hear them, but, if I don’t step into the light, lift myself up to my executive brain functioning, they can cause me to slip back into the icy waters of self-deprecation.
If you’ve followed my writing this week, you will have witnessed my journey from uncertainty to clarity.
Life is filled with opportunities to explore hidden areas of our pysches where icy patches exist that need the warming grace of light and Love. It is those patches that growth and surrender co-exist to bring us back to our magnificent selves waiting to shine. It is in those places that possibilities arise and hope lives unending.
My tenure at the family homeless shelter where I work is coming to an end. There is no firm date yet as I work with the new ED on a transition plan. What I know though is that the transition will be grace-filled because doing it with grace is how I prefer to exit every stage of my life. And I do love a good swan song!
I am excited. I have dreams and schemes and ideas to create an exciting new path for myself. A path full of potent possibility, passion and purpose, A path where anything is possible because when I de-ice the tricky spaces in my lizard brain, I am free to shine and soar and step with grace into every possibility that opens up on my path.
Last night a friend text me to tell me that someone she knows whom I don’t, in a city in another province, has one of my paintings on her FB wall. it was shared with her by someone else I do not know.
“What a small world,” she wrote. “Your reach is wide, my friend. You inspire and influence people you have never met.”
I was grateful my friend took the time to share her thoughts with me. Her words made my heart feel light and airy.
That’s the thing about creating — I don’t create with the thought, “how will this impact others?”. I create because I must. It is a desire that rises up from the depths of my being, calling out to be expressed through art and words, (and for those who know me well), dance.
As in all things, there are gifts. The gift of knowing something I created resonates with another always fills my heart with joy. And I love a joy-filled heart!
As I contemplate the vast vistas of the road before me, I carry with me all the wonderful notes and messages people have shared with me about how my words/art have resonated with them, given them peace, a new way of seeing something, or allowed them to move through some dark moment into the light.
It is this work, this essence of being an inspiraton for others to rise up and shine, I want to carry with me as I leave where I’m at to step across the threshold into an unscripted future. A future where I am creating a life that continues to ripple out to touch peoples’ hearts, open minds and set them free to laugh and dance and spin about in a world of love, joy and harmony.
In April 2006 when I first went through the Choices Seminars program, I remember getting to the end of the five day seminar and realizing that for much of my life I had wanted to inspire people to be their best, to let go of all the illusion they are nothing or unworthy, and to claim their magnificence.
And then, during a process at Choices, I heard people tell me how much I inspired them. How brightly I shone and how, through my sharing my light, they wanted to shine too.
Wow, I thought. People are telling me I’m doing what I’ve said I’ve always wanted to do, but I’m still lamenting not doing what I want to do in my life.
See, I had a plan.
As a little girl my plan was to be an award winning actress or a noble prize winning psychologist.
That plan didn’t turn out so well as I froze when on stage and I never did get a degree in psychology.
Because I viewed my plan as ‘failed’, I saw myself as a failure. I wasn’t doing what I set out to do in the world.
And then I discovered I was, just in a different way. Mostly by simply being me through expressing myself artfully.
What an incredible gift and awakening.
We all have plans. We all have ideas of what we think our life should be, and then, it’s something else. Something that is equally as beautiful and grand, just shimmering in a different light of possibility that we keep missing because we’re focused on the old plan we think didn’t work out.
What if this life you are living now is the plan? What if you are on your path of magnificence, it’s just you haven’t awoken to its possibilities yet?
What if, this truly is your one and only life and you are living it under the darkness of believing you are not enough?
When we look at our lives and find ourselves lacking, we risk missing the incredible gifts we bring to the world. We don’t see the impact we’ve created and the difference we make. In our belief we are not enough, we dim our light, shutter our dreams and carry on, hoping one day to get back on the path of our dreams unfolding.
We are each the star player in this journey of our lifetimes. Let’s each live it up, shine bright and illuminate the path for others to see the darkness is just an illusion created by the belief, we are not good enough.
And PS. Thank you to those who comment, write on my FB wall, send me personal messages and texts about how my words and art impact you. I am deeply grateful. Thank you ASL for your loving text.