Monthly Archives: May 2023

Who are you living for?

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Yesterday, in a deep and profound conversation with a friend, she shared a writing prompt she had been given.

“Who are you living for?”

What a fascinating question.

Who am I living for?

My mind immediately jumped to the most obvious answer.. I am living for me.

And then it asked, What does that mean?

The question simmers as I smile on this beautiful spring morning where seemingly overnight the leaves have unfurled from where, just the day before, they hung in winter’s naked listlessness.

This morning, my world is awash in brilliant green hues and I feel as light as the spring breeze wafting through the open deck door.

Like the robin who arrives again and again with twigs to build her nest in the rafters above our downstairs patio, the question comes back to me. Am I living for myself or am I trying to be all things for so many people I am not living my true self life where I am creating my world based on what I believe others want?

What does it mean to ‘live for myself’?

Is it selfish? Or, is it the most effective way to live to give back to this world my unique gifts and talents so that I can create better in the world around me?

Is living for myself giving myself medicine first so that I can have medicine to give others?

Is living for myself the medicine I need most?

Wonderful thoughts to ponder as I journey forth into my day.

I asked myself a question this morning. I thought I knew the answer. In my thinking I did, a beautiful, mysterious path opens up leading me deeper into the exquisite nature of my humanness, bringing me closer and closer to my essential essence.

In every step I take along that path, I expand more and more into becoming the all of me that is left when I release my knowing to allow the unknown to appear.

How divine.

What about you? Have you ever pondered the question, “Who are you living for?” Does it resonate or does it lead to more questions? Does it excite you? Do you think you know the answer?

I’d love to hear more.

Namaste

Commitments

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When I was a little girl, my father would promise us trips. Usually we set out on them. Often, we never reached our destination.

My father was a man of mercurial moods. One moment he’d be excited about something. The next, storm clouds brewed and we four children ran for cover. Often, the reason our trip never got to its destination, or ended sooner than expected, was because something had set my father’s temper rising, and he would declare it was time to leave. Now.

I loved my father. I did not love his angry outbursts.

I also did not love the pattern of behaviours I adopted to compensate for my lack of trust in promises and people’s inability to keep their commitments.

Not trusting in promises and commitments lead me to not write out my goals or to believe in my dreams – and to often not keep my commitments with myself and others.

I have been working on this aspect of myself for years — it did not serve me well. It needed to change and the only person who could do something about it was/is… ME.

it’s a journey on which I keep taking steps every day, which is why, recently, I took action to fulfill on a dream that began percolating when I first stepped into the Choices room in April of 2006 — which was the predecessor to the Discovery Seminar I just coached in.

Every Sunday, there is a spiritual service which begins with someone from the group singing, playing an instrument, sharing their talent. That first Sunday morning, sitting in that room, I felt my teenage me dream stir.

I have always loved singing. When I was young, my sister Anne and I would accompany our dishes chores with singing. We loved doing it even if the rest of the household made us close the kitchen door.

In junior high school, I was part of a folk group and at 16 I got up the nerve to perform in the Annual Talent Show and Concert. My song, Joni Mitchell’s iconic, Both Sides Now, which I sang in French and English.

I came second in that competition.

Unfortunately, my success didn’t matter to me. My parents didn’t come and my brother did his normal thing of teasing me mercilessly – which I know is what big brothers do. For me though, that teasing only highlighted the fact my parents weren’t there to hear me. It reaffirmed what I feared (and secretly believed to be true) I didn’t matter.

Believing I didn’t matter lead to my holding back on articulating my dreams. I wanted to be an actor and singer. My family thought that was ridiculous. I quit talking and dreaming about it, And though I did take steps at times to sing with choirs and to act in community theatre, I always withdrew. The commitment was too great for me and my fear of proving that thought – I didn’t matter – true, pulled me back from taking steps foward.

One of the things Discovery seminars highlights is the importance of keeping our commitments, to ourselves and others.

I continually practice strengthening this mental muscle because I know deep within me that I do matter and I am worth keeping my commitments so that I can feel good about myself and not carry shame (which comes when I don’t keep them!).

One of my commitments I made to myself when I first started into this self-discovery journey was to dream. And, to take action on that dreaming.

Which brings me back to that dream of singing out loud in front of an audience – in particular, in the Discovery room where I know, I am loved and safe, and that I matter.

Last week I asked for what I wanted.

I asked a fellow coach whom I know is a musician if he would help me. He said yes — which means one Sunday soon, I shall be singing in front of the people gathered for the spiritual service. It doesn’t matter if I’m any good. What matters most is I am doing this for me. I am keeping a promise I made long ago to that child within. I will always cherish, protect and celebrate you. I shall keep my commitments.

I am taking steps to experience my dream come alive and to heal that broken promise of my teenage self. I am showing that 16 year old Louise, her voice matters. She matters.

And in case you’re wondering, the song I’ll be singing is, Both Sides Now.

What’s Your North Star?

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In Discovery Seminars, there are two core areas of our human condition participants focus on. Our “Automatic Negative Thoughts or ANTs as they’re (not so affectionately) called, and Self-Defeating Behaviours.

ANTs are those thoughts that pop into our brain without conscious effort on our part. Like when I forget where I put my glasses when they’re right on top of my head. The ANT that can accompany that realizaton goes something like, “How can you be so stupid?” or, “Oh Oh. Another Senior moment.”

The antitode to an ANT is to Stop. Breathe. Ask Yourself… “Is that true?”

I know I’m not stupid. I also know my glasses and I have had years-long relationship of misplacing one another. Has nothing to do with and everything to do with my habit of not paying attention to small details like, where did I put my glasses?

The challenge is, unchallenged, an ANT can lead to self-defeating behaviours that do not serve us well.

It has been a life-long journey of self-discovery identifying and challenging my ANTS and the self-defeating behaviours they lead me to engage in.

Because here’s the things. My ANTS will be different than yours, though some may be similar. And, the self-defeating behaviours they lead to? Well, the field is wide open on that one.

We humans are creative beings by nature. We can create a self-defeating behaviour to confirm an ANT’s presence on our path without qustionning the “What’s in it for me to treat myself so badly for a lie I tell myself about myself that I’ve never stopped to question?”

And that’s the thing about ANTs. Unchallenged, they take up permanent residence in our minds, jumping into the fray anytime we feel confused, scared, uncertain, timid… and a host of other emotions.

Often, the origin story for the ANT can be a childhood event/trauma that was too inexplicable for our child’s mind to comprehend, and so, we made up a story about us, because of the event, to help us make sense of something we didn’t understand or had never experienced before.

The mind is constantly making up stories about ‘us’ and the world around us. The younger the mind, the more the story can become a limiting belief.

Truth is the antidote to ANTs. Truth can, unfortunately, be hard to see or hear when the ANTs voice has been trampling over our confidence, self-esteem, self-belief, and the ALL of who we believe ourselves to be, for years.

Transforming ANTs and stopping our self-defeating games begins with awareness.

I never knew I had a limiting belief ANT that constantly said, “You do not matter.” until I began to question the why of some of my self-defeating behaviours.

Today, the ANT can still fire. And, because he’s a very sneaky and creative ANT he can morph himself into many disguises to hide his ill intentions. Vigilance is critical. Self-Love essential.

The fact is, when he fires, it is my responsibiity to Stop. Breathe. Question – and Take corrective action.

For me, that corrective action begins with stating my contract and purpose statement – something I’ve honed over the years through my work in the Discovery room and my own self-exploration and growing self-awareness.

I am a BRAVE woman inspiring hearts to break open in Love and Shine Bright!

That statement is in answer to the BIG question Discovery dives into every seminar — What do you want more of in your life?

For me, it began with identifying what I don’t want more of — self-doubt, self-criticism. Anger. Hurt. Pain, Fear… Which cleared the path to understanding, on a very deep, intimate level, what I want more of — I want to feel like I matter. I want to know, deep intimate Love with myself and another. I want to… make a difference. To create space for me, and others, to embrace the truth of who we truly are — magnificent beings of light and enegy on the journey of becoming the one’s we were born to be, and always were, until life happened and we forgot our magnificence.

My contract and purpose statement above is my Love antidote to the ANTs. It’s my shield, my Love barrier, my heart protector, my portal to doing the right thing, taking the next step, and ultimately, to always choose understanding over anger, hope over fear, possibiity over impossibility, compassion over judgement, Love over fear.

It is my North Star.

What do you do to stop your ANTs from limiting your capacity to live living in Love as your truly magnificent self?

What’s your North Star?

Namaste

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And… if you’re curious about your own ANTs or, interested in devising your own contract and purpose statement, I highly recommend Discovery Seminars — and please know, I don’t get paid to advertise the program. I just believe deeply in the work and the fact we all deserve to live free of the things that would have us believe we are not worthy of living out loud in Light. Laughter. Life. Love.

One word at a time

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May 1. A new month. Spring is bursting with its giddy desire to show off its finery and bloom.

And I am feeling the pull of memory.

It is May. The month I was set free, 20 years ago this May 21st.

I don’t often think, nor write, about those days, but this month, I plan on writing a bit more often about the recovery from that darkness. About how I made it back into the light.

It’s really simple, my decision to do this. I have begun to write my book about this healing journey called life.

Over the weekend, I created a working title — it helps me focus my writing. Love Yourself First: A simple guide to healing the past so you can live now in love.

I’ve identified my target audience – older adults 55+ and crafted an outline. Noted Key Themes to guide me, drafted each chapter outline and did some research on some of the topics I want to discuss: Things like, Our human need for love. The role of belonging. The importance of bravery. The need to continuously deepen self knowledge, the power of letting go, the value of resilience, the gifts of healing the past and the acceptance of imperfection.

I feel ready. Excited. Motivated.

I’ve got a writing buddy, *thank you Linh) and a Daily Intention buddy (thank you Jane) and, I’ve got a deep desire to ‘get it all out’ – One Word At A Time.

Years ago, when I was released from that relationship that was killing me, I awoke to the grim reality of the devestation that relationship had caused in my life and the lives of those who loved me. I had seventy-two cents in my pocket, a few clothes and my Golden Retriever, Ellie. And I had people who loved me who were hurt and angry. I had betrayed the sacred trust of motherhood. I had betrayed myself and everyone who cared for me with the lies I had lived while in that relationship.

I was broken.

I was blessed.

My sister and her husband gave me a home, a safe refuge to weather the aftermath of the storm. Everyday, Ellie, who had travelled the final two years of that journey with me, and I would walk into the woods at the end of the street where my sister lived and I would breathe deeply in the freedom of walking without ‘his’ voice repeating over and over again in my head all the reasons why I didn’t deserve to live, all the ways I had failed him and was a failure as a human being.

As I walked, I remember thinking of the problems I had to face. The burden of finding a solution to their totality weighed me down. They looked so big. So daunting. So over-whelming. To give myself peace, I would look up into the limitless blue of the sky overhead and whisper to the heavens, “Okay Universe. Here’s the deal. Can you please carry the burden of what I must do so that I can focus on doing one thing today that will bring me closer to my goal of healing and reconnecting with my daughters? Will you please carry the load so that I can breathe freely and take one small step each day towards reclaiming my life.”

One small step. It was all I needed to take to keep myself moving forward on the healing path. Healing didn’t have a destination. It had a journey that could only be taken – one small step at a time.

Twenty years ago, walking in the woods, as soon as I asked the universe to carry the load, the burden lifted. I would feel lighter, more peaceful and calm. And in my renewed strength, I could take the next small step I needed to take to heal. And that one small step became a path of steps leading me away from the turmoil and pain of what had happened with him, into the joy of what was happening in my life without him.

Success isn’t necessarily found in the big leap, the giant step over the mountain. Success is found in the small things we do each and every day to walk our talk, walk our path of integrity, honesty and truth. Success is found in the grace and ease with which we overcome obstacles, embrace tribulations and infuse each moment with love and joy.

Success is found in living each moment filled with the rapture of now. It’s discovered as we let go of regret, recriminations, self-loathing and a host of other internal roadblocks that hold us back from living in the light. It’s found when we keep expressing our gratitude and joy in living this one life now, arms wide open, heart beating wildly to the drum of our one unique song – the song we each possess that only we know and all the world can hear when we boldly choose to sing it out loud and fierce.

This weekend, I wrote an outline for a book I have been thinking about writing for a long time.

It was one small step followed by others. Word by word, the book will appear and as it appears, I will better understand what its path to success looks like. For today, I shall celebrate the success each word brings..

Namaste