A question often asked in many personal development courses is, “What is your greatest fear?”
I don’t know what mine is. I can imagine it. Like I fear losing my loved ones. I fear losing the use of my limbs, not being able to type, not being able to read.”
For a few tenuous moments this morning, that particular fear of not being able to read felt a little more real than usual. I woke up, put on my glasses, picked up my phone to do WORDLE and it all look a tad blurry.
What?
And then I checked my glasses.
They were a very old pair. Far to weak for my eyes today.
Ahhhh….. Whew! No wonder everything was blurry.
My eyesight was quickly remedied and I carried on.
But it got me thinking about how fear limits my experience of what is real and true and beautiful in my life in this moment. Fear traps me in darkness.
So, how do we avoid letting fear drive us into our limiting beliefs that end up liminting our full joyful appreciation of life?
We let courage draw us out and into living on the wild side, living as if time is not ‘the enemy’ but our co-conspirator in creating the life we dream of, the life we want, the life we deserve.
That’s my plan.
To be drawn by courage into complete, wild self-expression of my true self coming alive, becoming all of me with every breath I take.
What about you? Do you have a plan? Do you have a clear intention of how you want to, will, age?
I hope so.
And I hope you share your thoughts. You inspire me!
Fear is a stealthy stalker. Invisible. Scentless. Soundless. It slips in and takes up residence without our even realizing it’s arrived.
All of which makes it hard to realize it is present and holding us in its thrall. And then, without warning, we catch ourselves holding back from stepping out, turning away from an open door, hiding in the shadows of some dark and heavy thought. If we’re lucky, if we’re awake enough, we become aware of its presence and its sinuous tendrils clinging to our every thought and action.
It is then we have a choice.
To live in fear or Love.
.I started this Dare Boldly: No matter your age series because I did not want to fear ageing. I wanted to dance in wondrous gratitude with all I am and all I am becoming as I continue this ageing and ageless journey called, my life.
Yet, until I started focussing my thoughts on daring to age boldly, I hadn’t realized how much fear was also present.
What a wonderful gift. To become aware of fear inviting me to shy away from being all I am in this moment right now. To become conscious of how fear was keeping me from true and full self-expression.
It isn’t that I’m afraid of ageing. Intellectually, I know ageing happens. It is a natural outcome of living.
The thing I’m afraid of is the consequences of ageing. The tangible, visible, hard-to-ignore evidence that time is having its way with my body
And here’s the thing, in writing and talking about it I am learning to embrace my fear, to welcome it in as a co-conspirator of my awakening to the wonderful gifts of ageing. They are all wrapped up in the beauty of each breath, each heartbeat, each step I take every day. They arrive n the beauty of each day’s awakening. The gentle slumber of each night’s rest and all the in-between moments where I am free to express myself, move, and be myself in a world of beauty, wonder and awe.
The more I meditate on and write about fear of ageing, the more I recognize it as a companion on this path.
The more I also realize, fear doesn’t have to lead the way.
That’s my heart’s job.
Like the pistons converting fuel into energy and pumping it through the engine of a car, my heart converts all I experience, all I know, all I am into the energy that fuels my body, my life.
My heart knows the way. It has the beat. It is the rhythm of my life. And, when I get out of its way, fear loses its grip and fades into the background chorus of my heart joyfully beating its song of love.
In that place, I become fearless in fear’s presence.
I awoke and the thought was there. If you’re Grateful for it all then you must be grateful for all of it — that includes the unwanted, uninvited, unintentional.
Like fear and aging. Be grateful for the fear.
Grateful for fear?
Why? How? What’s the purpose.
Because fear is part of the journey. Trying to pretend the fear isn’t there is kind of like trying to ignore a two-year-old determined to ‘Do it myself’ – which I encountered a lot last week while visiting with my grandchildren, daughter and son-in-love.
Ivy is committed to doing it herself. Pretty well everything. Which is great until it involves precision or timing.
And even there, my worst fears never materialized. There was always a work-around. Always a way to make it work for her, and me. No matter what we were doing.
Perhaps that is the lesson in aging. Fear is part of the journey. At least, it was/is for me.
As I got older, as 60 and then 65 and now next year’s 70 approaches, fear creates this delicate ripple of awareness of time’s fleeting nature.
Fear has a way of turning up when I want it least.
And, the more I try to pretend fear hasn’t ridden in with a side-order of anxiety, the more fear holds sway over my thinking.
The secret…
Say hello to the fear, and be grateful for its presence. It brings with it awareness. And in that awareness is the foundation of growth without fear.
It is one of the hardest parts of this thing called aging when you’re already older — certainty diminishes as the unknown becomes more and more present.
Because let’s face it. There are a lot of unknowns and a whole bunch of uncertainty in this thing called aging.
Of course, the biggest unknown… when will my last breath be drawn? Will it be an inhale or an exhale? Does it make a difference?
And that unknown is always followed by the other — what happens after that last breath? Is there a Heaven? An afterlife? Do we return to dust? To spirit? To nothing?
Perhaps that is my fear. That I will come to a final fear, obstacle, hurdle and there will be nothing beyond. Not even bliss. Happiness. Joy. Contentment. Just nothing.
I smile as I write that. It sounds so existential, so empty of the promise of possibility, or as my father would say, referencing the Irish at the root of his being, ‘so James Joyce’.
In Letters to a Young Poet, Rainier Rilke writes, “Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” (emphasis mine)
Perhaps, rather than questioning “when will my last breath happen?” or, “what happens after my last breath?” the question is, “how does fear limit my living fearlessly in this moment right now?”
Or maybe, “What is in it for me to hold onto fear?”
Or, “How does fear stop love flowing freely?”
You get it.
The questions are limitless.
The gift is found living into the questions to that place where the answer simply leads to the next question and the next until one day you discover you are living the same answer over and over and over …To live fearlessly….
Breathe in Love. Exhale Kindness. Live in Gratitude.
No matter how difficult or dark the times, there is always something for which I am grateful. My breath.
Each breath is a gift of life filling my body with energy, fuelling my thoughts and giving me life. Too often I forget to say “Thank you” to the universe around me for the breath, to the trees for their role in oxygenating the air I breathe, to the sun for nourishing the plants that also contribute to the air I breathe.
Too often, I take each breath for granted. And yet, taking each breath for granted is vital to creating a stress-free body.
I have come to appreciate ‘taking each breath for granted’ as I’ve watched my beloved and the challenges he has with breathing. It is not easy to watch. It’s even more difficult for him.
And yet, no matter how difficult, each breath still comes. Each breath still matters. Each breath still carries life-giving forces.
Finding value in each breath reminds me to slow down. To breathe deep and to cherish those deep breaths. Slowing down, eases stress. Easing stress eases the aging process — and wonderful circle of reciprocity!
To give thanks for all of life that contributes to the air I breathe contributes to my well-being, it contributes to the world around me, it fills me with peace and joy..
What a beautiful circle of life.
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I am off to a breakfast meeting this morning. Excited to be with @CalgarySeniors at the One For the Ages Breakfast with Keynote Speaker Carl Honoré! #seniors#ageing#ageingwell
It is past Labour Day and I am wearing white pants.
Oh be still my nervous heart. I mean… Really? What will the Fashion Police say?
I am laughing as I type that — but on the other hand, I’m not really because I truly did have thoughts of ‘dare I?’ It is past Labour Day… as I was getting dressed.
But, our summer is lingering. It is anticipated to be 29Celsius today and that’s warm. So why not?
Defying conventions creates stress within me. No matter how much I tell myself it ‘shouldn’t’ or it’s silly to worry about it, the conditionning is there.
The opportunity is to work with what is and do the things I know will move me through it with grace.
There was one thing I could have done I decided not to do — and that thing was, wear a different outfit.
Recognizing that this is a ‘thing’ for me, I have chosen to use it as an opportunity to push myself out of a discomfort/stress point I am carrying. I have chosen to allow myself to grow through it.
Now, this is not a big stressor, but it could be if I chose to let it rule me.
To ensure it doesn’t, I am writing about it, sharing it here with you — and yes, I know it’s not a big deal and I know not paying attention to arbitrary (and imaginary) fashion police is a good course of action, but the notion of not wearing white after Labour Day is deeply engrained somewhere in my psyche.
I didn’t choose it. I wasn’t even consciously aware of it being implanted. But, there it is.
Today, I get to choose to step into it, embrace it and allow myself to grow through it so that its impact is minimized and I am strengthened.
And in doing that, I have the opportunity to release the stress it creates when I do something that defies conventions I’ve adapted to without even being conscious I’m doing so.
In my video today, I share some of my practices to release stress in my life.
I hope you share some of yours.
And here’s to dressing to please yourself. Here’s to being who you are, exactly how you are without giving space for others to tell you how you should be!
In the homeless serving sector where I used to work, people would often ask things like, “Why can’t they just take a shower, cut their hair, put on some decent clothes and get a job?’ Or, “Why do they keep making such bad decisions?” (The ‘they’ being individuals experiencing homelessness.)
My answer was generally focused on helping ‘the housed’ understand the challenges and stressors of homelessness.
Making a ‘good’ decision when constantly worrying about where you will sleep that night, or whether or not you’ll survive the night, or even when you’ll get your next fix when the fix is the only thing that eases the pain and fear and trauma of your life, is relative.
A good decision when housed is ensuring you’ve got money in the bank to pay your rent or mortgage, put food on the table, fill your car, what movie to go see, what pair of shoes to wear, what to order at a restaurant.
Decisions when ‘housed’ are based on the choices we have to create change.
In homelessness, the lack of choice impacts every decision.
A good decision in homelessness could be deciding to eat pork, which is contrary to your religious beliefs, because it’s the only thing the shelter kitchen is serving that night and you are hungry.
A good decision in homelessness could be deciding to sleep in the shelter when it’s -30C outside even though the last time you did someone stole your backpack which had the photos of your family in it, the family you haven’t seen in six years but whose photos you couldn’t stop looking at.
A good decision could be deciding to go to the supervised consumption site because you truly do not want to die. Being somewhere safe when you put the needle into your arm could be the difference between life and death. And you choosse life.
And, a good decision could be deciding to get in that pick-up truck with the guy who says he’s got a job for the day at 10 bucks an hour. You know it’s not fair pay but you’re trying to save up to buy a safety helmet, work gloves, and steel-toed boots to get one on the big job sites that pay $25+ an hour.
By the very nature of having to choose between one course of action or the other, every time we make a decision, we encounter stress.
For each of us that level of stress is determined by our environment, circumstances, age, experiences, nature and ability to adapt depending upon the outcome of our decision.
Yesterday, because of my interrupted sleep the night before, I was really, really tired all day. I had a project I needed to get done for work and, even though I don’t work Mondays, I chose to do it yesterday rather than leaving it for today. That decision meant when I went to bed last night I wasn’t stressed about ‘the deadline’ today and had a really good night’s sleep.
This morning I feel rested and refreshed. Eager to meet the day and create something meaningful.
I’ve learned, with age, that putting off until tomorrow something I can do today only adds to my stress load. And, when I’m stressed, I do not sleep well.
Sleep isn’t just important. It’s vital.
In the homeless-serving sector, it’s often said that homelessness ages an individual 10 years. Life expectancy is shorter – not because of the dangers of homelessness. It’s shorter because of the stress load people carry and its impact on their physiological well-being. It’s also shorter because of poor diet, poor health care, uncertainty, stress and so many other factors including… a lack of good sleep.
Want to live well, healthy and vibrant? Get a good night’s rest.
In his response to Episode 30 on Friday, Mark suggested that the good stresses in life can keep us on track, and like an athlete pushing into the pain zone to get to the win, stress can keep us pushing into the gain zone.
All true.
The challenge is, our brain/body connection doesn’t differentiate between good stress/bad stress. To the amygdala, where pain first registers, the autonomic system response is immediate and ‘unthought’, triggering adrenaline and changes in our physiological responses and wellbeing.
Which means, stress is stress is stress. The important part is how we respond to stressors.
Take, for example, the noise workers made from 1 – 3 am this morning on the pedestrian bridge across the river not far from our home.
The pounding of pylons (or whatever they were doing) woke me up. And kept waking me up until the noise stopped at 3am.
I was not happy.
Today I’m tired. And grouchy.
There was little I could do about the noise at the time. I wasn’t prepared to go out in my pyjamas and yell at them to stop. And… as I discovered this morning when I called the city, it wouldn’t have made any difference! While there are bylaws prohibiting noise after 11pm and before 7am, as this is a city bridge and a city project, the bylaws don’t count.
How I handled my response in the middle of the night was important. Blocking the noise required earplugs and a conscious focus on my breathing. I eventually did get back to sleep. Interrupted sleep is not healthy as is not getting enough sleep. And, until I called the city to inquire about the bylaws and the obvious to me disregard for them, my grouchiness about it all wasn’t serving me well either.
As there isn’t anything I can do about the noise and the repairs to the bridge, my choice now is to find a way to accept the things I cannot change, and find a way to lower my mind’s need to go around in circles complaining about the injustice of it all.
Because… and here’s the big deal about it all – complaining and going in circles around something I can’t change adds stress to my daily life. And stress accelerates the aging process, especially if it’s unaddressed or long-term.
Which is why this week, instead of exploring Aging and Dreaming, I’ve chosen to dive into Aging and Stress.
To deal with stress, I must acknowledge it, face it and learn how best to cope with it.
For me, writing here, talking about the things that ‘bug’ me, identifying where I’m off-base and finding ways to deal with it that support and strengthen me, all help me age well – with grace and ease!
I do hope you share your stress-eliminating techniques, your thoughts on stress and your feelings about aging and stresses impact on your body, life, hopes and dreams.
You help make this conversation richer.
Video to come – maybe. Depends on if I take a nap or not! 🙂
Resilience is in all of us. It’s just, for some, access is blocked by life circumstances and events that lead to choices that undermine resiliency’s ability to play a part in creating a life of grace and ease.
And living a life of grace and ease, at any age, is, at least to me, a wonderful way to live.
When I make choices that undermine my body, when I think thoughts that disrupt my peace of mind and break down my confidence and belief in myself, I am not only weakening my resiliency, I am hurting the person I need the most in this life — me.
I need me to be strong, healthy, confident and full of grace to move through this world, creating better in my wake.
And to do that, I must take care of all of me — my whole body – head, heart, belly, torso, limbs, eyes, ears, mouth, skin, skeleton, arteries…. All of me.
And not just all of me – but all of the world around me for we are all connected. We are all part of this one planet. This one giant ball of matter spinning around the sun, giving birth, dying, regenerating, renewing, evolving.
We are all connected to everything. Part of the same matter, lifeforce, world.
And in this world, me, the individual, is a microcosm of the whole earth. When I stress my resiliency, I am stressing the resiliency of all the world around me.
Taking care of me, no matter my age, takes care of all the world around me, decreasing the stress I place on the world.
And that’s why taking care of myself as I age, being conscious of the choices I make is so important.
When I don’t, I put more stress on my body, the people who love me, the people and systems that are there to care for me when I’m not well or capable of taking care of myself, the world all around.
Limiting stress is good for me – it’s good for everyone.
And that’s what I’ve realized this week as we’ve explored ‘Resiliency’. If I want it to be strong and capable of supporting me when I really need it, I need to take good care of me in the here and now.
Resilience is like a muscle. We have to feed it, care for it, and nurture it to build it up and keep it strong.
When we add stressors, when we don’t pay attention to our body’s needs, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, our resilience wanes.
Aging happens to the whole body. Every day, aging is changing us. From the moment we’re born to our last breath.
When we pay attention to our personal aging process, when we invest in ourselves, no matter our age, we create better for ourselves, and our world.
Now, I would love to say that I have done everything right for my body. But that would simply not be true. Fact is, I’m carrying extra weight. I eat unhealthy foods. I sometimes drink too much wine. I douse my mind in garbage TV. I don’t always get enough sleep. And I don’t always get enough exercise.
So… knowing what I know now about aging and how strengthening my resilience is a vital component of aging well, what am I willing to change? What am I willing to do differently?
Am I willing to, as the saying goes, put my money where my mouth is?
Perhaps that is the point of this exploration – for me. To awaken me to my responsibility and accountability in taking better care of this priceless vehicle I walk around within, breathe with, think with, move with, create with, love with, be with, every single day, every single minute of my life.
There’s something… heady… about that thought on this beautiful first morning of autumn. As we enter the season of letting go in preparation of winter’s arrival, I sit at the cusp of my own season of release.
It’s not ‘release’ as in the form of youth or ‘the things I used to do’ or even ‘life as I know it’, it is a release of the things I’m doing that do not nurture, care for, nor support me on this life journey that is so precious to me.
It’s the release of the thought that what I do to my body doesn’t matter.
It matters. Big time.
As the golden autumn leaves that hang suspended from the poplars outside my window become bathed in the warm golden glow of morning light breaking through the dark, perhaps this moment is my moment of awakening too.
Perhaps these past 6 weeks of writing and thinking and talking about and sharing in this ageless story of life have brought me to my own, personal autumnal moment.
And I smile.
I like the feeling of that. I like how that thought settles into my body with a warm and welcoming hello.
Am I willing on this autumn morning to walk fearlessly into the knowing that in this, my one life to live, I have the power to live every day my personal practices of ageless aging?
Am I willing to embrace the truth? have the power to be the change I want to be in my own life.
Dare Boldly 