Wide Open
©2018 Louise Gallagher

I will not walk in fear
of living an unused life
of regretting undone dreams
or missing unmet desires.

I will not live in hope
of one day being enough
of finding myself
or knowing who I am.

I will live this life
for all I’m worth
and that’s a lot.

I will walk into my fears
and set my dreams on fire
igniting my hopes with the possibility
of creating the life I always dreamed of
as I spend each day creating
the life I dream of.

I will walk each day
believing that I am worthy
because I am.

And I will give up hope
of finding myself.

I’m not lost.
I’m right here
living each day
with my eyes and arms and heart
wide open.

Wide open
I do not fear falling
I do not fear failing
I do not fear
being me
living this life
in the beauty and wonder of knowing
I Am Enough.

_________________________________________________________________

I did not intend to write a poem this morning. and there it appeared.

The muse was having her way with me, and I was not refusing her call.

It is the way of the muse. She floats on moonbeams and stardust, shimmers in sunlight and breezes wafting through open windows. She does not heed walls or canyons. She does not stop for any woman or man.

She does not come unbidden. She is always there.

The muse just is. Present. All ways. All places.

This morning, she struck a chord in my imagination, vibrated in harmony with my heart and voilá! A poem appeared.

I am in my final year of high school. Biology 30 is a prerequisite.

I have a problem. I do not, cannot cut up dead frogs.

I approach the teacher and explain my dilemma. Having had me in his Biology 20 class, he commiserates with me. I think he’s kind of hopeful we can find a work around so he doesn’t have to put up with my comments and squeamishness. In those days I was a vegetarian. He also didn’t want to listen to my diatribes about how ‘wrong’ it was to use animals in this way.

Personally, I wouldn’t have wanted me in his class either. But I need this course for University so I’ve got to get creative.

I devise a work around. It’s a self-directed project on Vicarious Learning in elementary school children which will require my writing a final report detailing my observations and findings.

He’s fascinated and once I explain my thought process and ideas, enthusiastic. He gives me the go-ahead.

His name was Mr. Hazlett. He was one of my heros.

Not because he let me get out of cutting up dead frogs, for which I am eternally grateful. No, what made him a hero to me is that he A) too the time to listen to my fears and concerns and didn’t laugh me out of his office. B) He encouraged me to get creative and C) once I provided him my very creative solution, he took me seriously and let me learn through my own vicarious learning process.

And that’s what makes someone a hero.

It’s not because they have all the answers. They seldom do. But rather, because they trust themselves to know what’s true for them, and trust others to find their own answers. Rather than believing they ‘make it happen’, heroes see themselves as conduits to each of us becoming our own hero.  They’re activators.

Real heroes shine, a little, or sometimes big, lights and in their illumination, let us find our own way, safe in the knowledge they’ll be there to support us if we need them.

But they never do it for you. Heroes believe in you and through their actions, ignite our own courage to do better, create better, be better reflections of ourselves, in every situation.

Like Mr. Hazlett. Sure, he could have forced me to take the course work (and many probably think he should have) but in his willingness to allow me to carve my own path, he taught me more than cutting up dead frogs ever could have.

He taught me how to apply my creative thinking in innovative ways. The self-study course I developed put me in grade 2 classrooms for the entire semester working with the kids on ‘self-awareness’ learning through play.

He taught me the value of independent thinking. My self-study course was outside the box of normal coursework — it worked for me, and Mr. Hazlett.

He also taught me the value of taking the longview. My self-study course meant I had to map out my program for the entire year! I also had to prepare monthly reports and defend it in front of a panel of teachers when I defended my final report — I had to plan all that out at the beginning of the year and then, stay the course. Great lessons in accountability and commitment too.

Looking back on that encounter, and other hero encounters in my life, each one taught me that it’s not showing you the easy path that makes someone a hero, it’s how they light up your world so you can find your own hero within.

Because that’s what heroes do.

They do the hard things, and in their actions, teach us how to stand up, fight for what we believe is right, and be our own hero in all kinds of weather.

______________________________________________________________

Today is the second annual Circles of Hope sponsored by Inn from the Cold, the family emergency shelter and housing organization I work for.  I am excited to spend the day immersed in conversations about heroes.  How we are all heroes in someone’s life. How we can be a hero in a child’s life. How heroes are vital to creating better in our world.

Who are you when you’re sharing your hero self?

Who are some of your heroes?

When I was a child my mother said to me, ‘If you become a soldier, you’ll be a general. If you become a monk, you’ll be the pope.’ Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso.  Pablo Picasso

We had 6 ‘trick-or-treaters’ at our new home last night.

Fortunately, in an effort to trick myself into not eating the treats we had ready to hand out to the hordes (we were hopeful), I’d bought a box of treats that are not my favourite. When it comes to mini-sized packs of chocolate Halloween treats, I can’t always trust myself not to dive in. Twizzlers and Nibs?  I can take ’em or leave ’em.

I left ’em. Though C.C. was pleased to have a bedtime snack all to himself!

In this case, self-awareness (and experience) trumped the need to trust myself. I removed the temptation and I was safe on the eve of Trick-or-Treat!

I used to believe that the best way to ‘fix’ myself was to make a resolve and then not set myself up for success. Like, make a decision to not eat chocolate for a period of time but don’t ensure there’s no chocolate in the house to tempt me.

The mind wants what the mind wants. And often, my mind’s desires are not connected to my body’s needs. Not because my mind doesn’t know what’s best for me, but rather, because my thinking gets messed up in dark and dingy pathways that don’t necessarily lead me to the ‘right thing to do’ for myself but rather, the more familiar, easier things to do are often the path of least resistance.

I am what I think. In the face of thinking about what I’m resisting, resistance to change persists. And when I top that with ease of access to the thing I’m resisting, I need increased willpower to override both natural resistance and thoughts of what I’ve told myself I cannot have. In the midst of what my brain has labelled as my ‘deprivation’, withholding from myself the thing I want that may not be good for me but I’m convinced I need, my ability to employ resistance is impeded.

Whew! Now that’s a heady, convoluted mindmap!

But think about it.

You make a decision to lose weight. You have a food plan all worked out. You are Committed. 

You’re doing great!  Two days in and you haven’t broken your resolve once. But man, if only you could quiet your thinking about what you can’t have and just stay focused on the benefits of losing weight and how good you’ll feel at the end.

And then, you have a bad day at work, or an argument with a loved one or something goes wrong, like your car breaks down and needs some expensive repairs. You forget your carefully prepared lunch at home and decide to go to your favourite deli for a salad. Except, when you’re standing at the counter about to give your order, the words come out of your mouth despite the little voice in the back of your mind whispering, “Don’t do it.”  you say, “I’ll have a cheese burger with all the fixin’s. And what the heck, an order of fries on the side.”

What happened?

In simple terms, ‘the critter’ was acting out. Your rational mind knows there’s no connection between the things that have gone on and your diet. It knows you ‘should have’ ordered the salad with the dressing on the side even!

But… you deserve a break today!

Or so the critter tells you. And the critter is always convinced he knows best because heck! He’s only trying to protect you!

He gets scared when things don’t go as planned, and diets always make him worry about famines and starvation and feeling less than full. He’s convinced you needed something to make you feel better because I mean, think about it! Look at all the stuff going on. Just for today, (you’ll have carrot sticks for dinner) it’s okay to break the fast. You deserve it! And what better way to give yourself a pick-me-up than with your favourite — a burger and fries. Because in the world of the critter, giving in to temptation trumps standing steadfast in your resolve. And the pathway to giving in tends to be stronger than the road to shoring up your resolve if only because, in the mind of the critter, resolve takes more work – and you already work hard enough! right?

I didn’t buy a box of mini-chocolate Halloween treats this year.

It was a win/win.

I don’t have to tempt myself with things I know I don’t need, and I don’t have to convince myself not to give in to my thoughts of why I deserve them!

Whew!

Maybe this growing up thing is working!

Namaste.

Oh, and belated Happy Halloween!

.

I haven’t got a lot of patience with myself this morning. I slept in. Fighting a cold. Feeling groggy.

And I smile.

Where is patience when I most need it?

With myself. Others. The world around me.

We are all humans taking this journey of our lifetimes, learning as we go along, how to be… human.

We are born to learn. To grow. To live.

Yet sometimes, in our haste to grow up, to get to where we’re going, to remember why we’re here, we forget to be patient with ourselves and the world around us. We forget that growth comes when we settle into our hearts and ease into the grace of our spirit’s natural way of being light of heart.

Let patience be my constant companion as I travel on my journey today, learning and growing and becoming who I am when I let go of believing I need to hurry up and be someone else!

Have you ever noticed how some days it feels so much easier to let go of compassion and fall instead into judgement. So effortless and comfortable!

Yet, to stand in judgement is not comfortable. It leaves me feeling harsh, like I’m grating constantly against the fine grain of my conscience.

To let go of judgement, to allow compassion to be my guide, I must re-center. Re-align.

I must,

Breathe and soften my heart.
Breathe and soften my heart.
Breathe and soften my heart.

In that beautiful space where life-giving oxygen fills me up and I feel its breath stirring my heart, I find myself opening up to the beauty of moving with grace into compassion.

It can feel easier somedays to fall into judgement.

But it’s never the right thing to do.

Never the kind thing nor loving way to be in this world.

For today, let me not heed judgement’s hissing insistence its easy shores will bring me peace of mind.

Let the compassion of my heart call me home to that place where I am open and willing to do the loving, right thing.

Processed with VSCO with au5 preset

Do you have a daily ritual that grounds you? A habit that breathes peace, contentment, openness into your being present as you begin your day?

For me, writing here is that ritual.

I begin with a meditation and then, write.

Often, I don’t know what I’ll be writing about. I trust in the process.

And that is what writing here has taught me to do, Trust in the process.

As I reflect on over 11 years of writing a daily blog, some thoughts rise above others.

I have learned through writing here that I am my thoughts. And at the foundation of my thoughts, of my being present is the deep belief that we are all miracles of life. Life is miraculous.

I have learned writing here that we are all on this earth to live as our highest expression of life. We are here to be the sacred nature of our soul’s desire to express itself through our beauty, truth, holiness and divinity. We are all miracles of life.

I have learned that my thinking can keep me playing small, or open me up to my magnificence. The world needs each of us to live our magnificence.

I have learned that trusting in the Universe is the foundation of my belief, life is filled with limitless possibilities.

I have learned that I am powerful beyond my wildest imaginings when I trust in the Universe. The Universe is not against me. It is always there, encouraging me to trust in the evolutionary impulse  to evolve and grow and expand and become. To be all that I am when I let go of fear and thinking the Universe is not with me.

I have learned, the Universe, or God, the Divine, Yaweh, Allah, however you name it or call it or believe in it, is with me. For me. Of me. It is in the best interests of humanity that I shine, that you shine, that we all be our greatest expression of Love.

I have learned that fear will always want to steal my peace of mind. That being courageous is the only antidote to fear.

I have learned that people are amazing. People make the world a better place.

And I have learned that Love is the answer. Love always wins.