It was one of those projects that brought out my victim thinking with ease.

Don’t blame me if I don’t get it right. Not enough time to do it. Not enough direction. Not my fault. Yada. Yada. Yada.

At one point, I was into such full-blown victimhood I arrived home from work one evening and told C.C. “That’s it. I can’t do anything right. I quit.”

Ah yes, the critter and his exquisitely timed whispers of self-doubt and fear.

The critter has had my lifetime to perfect his art of making sure I do not step too far from the baseness of my fears. He is extremely adept at finding those soft spots, those vulnerable places where I am feeling less than. He likes to fearlessly leap into the fray without a thought for what’s happening inside me, with me, for me. With his mind always set on defending against unseen intruders, moments of insecurity, breaths of doubt, he’s always ready to shore up my defences against the world’s onslaught and protect me from others..

Problem is, he doesn’t really think about what’s best for me in the now. He’s always measuring everything today against what happened back then. He doesn’t see me as an adult. He sees me only as a defenceless child that he was responsible for protecting and sheltering through life’s storm.

In the here and now, the critter does not stop to ask, What’s the mature, adult, kind and caring way for me to respond or behave in this situation?

His brain matter is grounded in less than thinking. Where there is abundance, the critter fears lack. Where there is possibility, the critter sees hopelessness. And while his intentions are in his thinking, ‘good’ — He’s protecting me and keeping me safe from harm. — the outcome of my outbursts while under the influence of critter brain is never fruitful. It is always destructive.

No matter how I like to slice it, what the critter always does is undermine my self-efficacy and my willingness to turn up, do my best and be accountable for my journey.

The critter, who likes to be in charge of my victimhood, does not like being accountable. He does not like for me to take responsibility for my actions, or how I turn up.

He’d prefer if I am going to turn up, that I do it with a big sign that says, “Not My Fault!”

That way, whatever happens I can deny all culpability, accountability and responsibility. That way, it’s always the other guy’s fault, no matter who the other guy, circumstance or happening may be! Which is rather convenient if I don’t feel like being my true self and would rather just have someone else take control for a while.

The critter’s not into my ability to be present in truth, honesty and light. He’s into his ability to shield me from what he deems the harsh realities of life and the vagaries of humans to create chaos, pain and shame where ever we go.

He cannot see that my responsibility is to standing in truth, honesty, light… Love.

He can only see the dark abyss of my deepest fears. The critter can only see the pains of the past and at all costs, believes he must shield me from it happening ever-again in the present.

Fortunately, I found my balance. I found my solid ground in turning up, paying attention, speaking my truth, and staying unattached to the outcome.

I am no longer giving into the critter woeing me to play the victim. Sure, there are vestiges of his cloying nature evident in my short-temperedness and edgie responses to what are simple questions or normal circumstances. I’m quietly, lovingly wooing those edges back into place. I’m quietly, lovingly smoothing out my temper with reminders of my capacity to play harmoniously, play fair, play kind in the world.

It is an ongoing evolutionary process.

Now, to apologize and be accountable to those who bore the brunt of my ill-humour and thoughtless attempts to give the critter reign over my being present in truth, honesty, light and Love.

‘Cause, the critter is not in charge of the light. If he were, he’d throw a dark blanket over it to keep the light from burning out.

I’m in charge of my light. And the truth is, my light will not burn out when I give it air to breathe and love to feed its fire.

Source for gif and quote:  Zen Flash

I am off to coach at Choices today. Off for five days of being immersed in the wonder and awe of our human condition. Of watching spirits lighten, hearts break open and eyes shine bright in the truth of their magnificence reflected in the eyes of everyone around them.

I am grateful.

Not only do I get to be part of the miracles unfolding on every breath, at Choices, I get to be myself and see myself. I get to ‘in to me see’.

In the safe and lovingly supportive environment of the Choices room, I am free to examine my own self-defeating games, my own tapes, my own mis-steps, missed directions, missed opportunities to shine without fearing that I will be judged or condemned for my human condition.

And in every ‘in to me see’ look I take, I get to say as composer and inspirational human being, Benjamin Zander promotes, “Wow. Aren’t I fascinating!” I get to throw up my hands and laugh at myself and see how absolutely fascinating it is that I can; do that, or believe that, or feel that or think… now is forever, or, I’m not enough, or, I’m so hopeless, or I am the victim or any other critter thought that creeps in when I am feeling overwhelmed, underappreciated, under valued or just plain old stressed out!

I have been feeling stressed out lately. Feeling like my plate is so full I might need to throw it in the air and let it fall where ever it will and in its falling, run away and hide until all the pieces settle.

Yup. Definitely fascinating.

Which is why I am grateful.

In the Choices room, I remember my inherently magnificent human condition. The one I’m born with. The one we all share.

And in my remembering, I let go of my fear, I will never be enough, do enough, have enough. I let go of my fear of being me, in all my wild and wacky, inexplicably fascinating human condition.

In my letting go of fear, I remember, I am magnificent! Just like you.

See you next week — in the interim, if you haven’t watched Benjamin Zander’s inspiring Ted Talk… here it is…

Aligned with peace in thought and word and deed, I align with my true self. Placing faith in my true self, I radiate peace.

My awakening thoughts reflect the disquiet of my mind. “I wonder if there will be a new atrocity to learn about this morning?” leaps into my thinking as I awaken.

I fear.

I fear for the world’s condition. For humanity’s sake. For the safety and well-being of all I love.

I fear unseen, unknown faces stalking the night. I fear unseen, unknown hands plotting, somewhere in the world,  discord, pain, grief, terror.

I fear.

I must choose love over fear.

I must not allow fear to dictate my actions. I must not let fear consume my being present in this world of wonder and awe.

I breathe. Deeply. And acknowledge what is true.

Fear is present.

So is love. So is joy. So is possibility. So is community. So is hope. So is peace.

Fear is present. I embrace my fear with loving kindness. I embrace it with compassion. Hope. Belief in all humanity. Belief in the goodness of all humankind.

I embrace my fear and set myself free of its dark tentacles seeking tenure in my thoughts.

I breathe love into my fear and dispel the clouds of its desire to unsettle my belief in all I am capable of, all I am when I let go of fear and choose love.

I cannot find peace by staying at the level of my discord. I must seek peace at the level of the solution.

I choose Love over fear. Always.

And in that choice I find myself breathing deeply into my belief that when align through peace within me and have faith in my true self, I am the peace I want to create in the world around me.

Aligned with my true self,  peace finds its way through Love.

And so it is.