I cleaned my office yesterday.

Over the holidays, it had become the repository of all things not Christmas. After the holidays, it remained the repository of all things not Christmas and everything else that had nowhere to reside in the house.

Having a messy office stunts my creativity. It inhibits my time spent at the keyboard. It gives me anxiety. Makes my mind feel chaotic.

It was time to make it stop.

And I finally figured out, after one month of allowing it to stay messy, that the office fairies were not going to magically appear and make it all better.

It was up to me.

What do you do with all those papers and ephemera that sit about? Mail. Flyers. Cards I want to keep because I like the image and won’t that be just so perfect for a painting?

Well… I can tell you what I did. I created three piles. One for trash — and that got piled in the garbage bag. One for ‘need to keep to look at’ and one for ‘artful ideas’. If it didn’t fit in 2 or 3, it went into 1. No questions asked.

Unless of course, it had C.C.s name on it or one of my daughters.

They got their own piles.

If I’d taken before and after photos you’d be amazed that I could even find my desk before I cleaned it up. I was. Between piles of books, mail, papers, and an assortment of unidentified objects, other than the space where my laptop sits, there was little room for working.

No wonder I was feeling so creatively stunted on the page. I was all boxed in with mess!

I told C.C. afterwards that I don’t create well in chaos. Even in the studio, while it is designed to be able to leave ‘the mess’ in place, I don’t like it to be chaotic messy. I like it to be orderly enough that I can find what I’m looking for and have space to put things as I work. When it’s messy and chaotic, I feel edgy, my skin itches and my nerves are all jangly inside my body.

I create more freely when the space around me is tidy.

It doesn’t mean there’s no clutter, or excess. It just means that what is there is not randomly strewn across every surface.

Which is interesting given that in colour personality typing, Gold is not very prominent in my personality. (You can take a colour test HERE)

I’m fairly balanced in Green, Blue, Orange —  I like to think my way through problems, create out-of-the-box solutions and go with the flow. I do not like routine nor structure, and I definitely don’t like rules.

Which is a good thing because when it comes to art-making, I tend to work from that space that says — there are no rules. And if I find one, curiosity will always drive me to want to see what happens if I break it, stretch it, reconfigure it, adapt it. Usually, what happens is, I find myself immersed in the creative process, feeling alive and enlivened by the very act of creation.

Which is what I love to do most.

So, yesterday, after I had cleaned up my office, I spent a few hours at my newly uncovered desk and created….THIS!  (click on the link and see what the Basement Bombshells Art Collective is up to) 🙂

I awaken and wonder what the day will bring. It will happen, soon enough. For now, I lie in the dark and feel the air moving around me, the stillness of the house all around me. I feel the night lift to awaken to daybreak slipping through the cracks at the edge of the horizon.

This is morning.

This is a new day dawning.

This is my world.

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My blog friend Sandra Heska King offers up Still Saturday every week. Today’s Still Saturday, with her invitation towards ‘being nothing’ and the words of Mary Oliver she shares,  inspired my poetic soul to write my own Still Saturday contribution over on my poetry blog, A Poetry Affair.

It is a wonderful feeling, to awaken to the stillness of a Saturday morning quietly stretching into the day and feel the muse stirring deep within my roots.

Summer is in the distance. Snow covers the ground and still, I am mindful of the sky above me.

What the sky sees

— thank you Mary Oliver and Sandra for the inspiration.

Art Journal: theme DARE

The message was terrifying. A sad smiley face and the words written in soft blue across my computer screen. “Ooops. Google couldn’t find dareboldly.com. Did you mean darebody.com?”

No. I did not mean dare body. I meant dare boldly. I typed it into the browser bar again. Ahh, if fingers talk do you think Google can hear calling it an idiot beneath my typing?  Hope not!!!!

But then I wonder… maybe it can. I get the same message. Can’t find it.

What do you mean you can’t find it? I was just on it. Granted. It was all messed up. The formatting all HTMLy and linear with no graphics and little beauty. But it’s there you idiot. (note to self. Do not call anyone or anything an idiot, even in cyberland. It’s not good for your state of mind.)

Right. But where was I in my panic attack? Oh yah. Terrified to type the letters to my URL into my browser again just in case it was true. All was lost…

Dare I try it again?

My heart was pounding. My body tensing up as fast as a flash freeze  killing off all access to air as it wrapped its icy grip around the naked branches of a winter-bare tree. 

I opened a new browser. Entered the URL.

Whew!

The cyber-gremlins hadn’t stolen my blog. It was all there.

But for a moment, I had thought it was all gone. I had believed it was destroyed. Vanished. Evaporated. Disappeared into the abyss never to be seen again.

It only took an instant. It only took one message to momentarily pull me from my path, to tear away my peace of mind and sense of rightness with the world.

Yeah. All it took to set my heart racing, my temples pounding and my pulse tripping was a message from Google.

Pretty scary.

I am constantly astounded, and fascinated, by how fragile peace of mind can be sometimes. How the voices of doom can be so close. How the victim’s call can be so seductive.

In the few moments it took for my blog to right itself, for Google to quit sending me dire notes, for cyberspace to give it all back in the right format, I fell into that place where messages of, “I told you so.” “It was bound to happen. Nothing ever goes right for you.” leapt into the darkness of my thoughts spiralling into doom.

Ain’t gonna happen.

But man, it sure is a good wake-up call to remember, the darkness is as close as the edge of the light.

It sure is a fascinating look into how easy it is to get pulled from ease into disquiet. To see how trust and all its demands continues to require my attention, my commitment, my Be. Do. Have of living life in the rapture of now, trusting in the process, trusting in the universe around me, trusting in the Divine to be one with me, of me, within me, championing my well-being, celebrating each step I take, in darkness and in light.

And yes, I know it was just a momentary glitch in cyberspace. No big deal.

But… when the deal is related to this space, this place where I have invested so many words, feelings, thoughts, ideas. This place that has taught me to be vulnerable, open, transparent and dare I say it, trusting. Well, the lesson is always there. The opportunity to dive deeper, learn and explore more, always present.

Cyberspace caught my attention this morning. And in its wake-up call, I was reminded to keep the light on what I’m doing and, to stay unattached to the outcome.

I was also reminded to do the right thing — like maybe, it’s time to backup my database?

Now that would be a good idea!

From my art journal

We are standing on the sidewalk saying our good-byes, our breath an icy cloud mingling between us, our bodies huddled into our winter clothing. We’ve been talking about a joint project we’d like to engage in and she reminds me that the group is Christian based. “Are you okay with that?” she asks.

“The faith of anyone is not my issue,” I say. “My greatest leap of faith is to jump without a label.”

“What does that mean?” she asks.

And I stumble over the words, trying to articulate the depth of my knowing of who I am and what it means to travel everyday with faith, and no label.

I am a rebel at heart. A soul revolutionary. A seeker. A voyager into spirit matters.

I believe in God, a being greater than all, a Higher Power. I believe in the Creator. In the goodness of the Universe. In the greatness of life, the magnificence of the human being.

I believe there is God in each of us and each of us is an expression of the Divine. Miracles of Life. Vessels of Love.

I believe Jesus walked the earth, that the apostles and saints were his disciples. That holy men and women continue to fill our world with goodness. That buried deep within each of us is the capacity for evil and that the only way to not give it breath is through Love.

I believe that Love is the greatest energy. It is limitless. Unending. Forever. Everywhere.

I believe Love flows all around and through and under and into and within each of us.

And I believe that for me, letting go of the label of who I am in the world gives me the grace to simply be, who I am in the world.

It has taken me a long time to reach this place where I can pray comfortably in my faith, and not claim affiliation, connection, oneness with any religion, creed, or doctrine.

I believe in angels. I believe in miracles. I believe in Love.

It is a personal journey for me. A place of deep meaning. Of revelation. Of exploration. It is a place where I know, deep within me, that the Universe is with me, supporting me, loving me, cheering me on and holding space for all my beauty to shine.

It is not someone else’s responsibility to allow me to shine, to flower, to blossom and grow. It is not someone else’s job. It is mine. And when I trust, in Life and Love and miracles and wonder, when I trust in the universe to turn up with me, I turn up in my magnificence, fearlessly in Love with all that I am.

I believe spirit is eternal. That life in our human form is part of soul’s journey home to spirit.

I believe we are all magnificent creations. The divine expression of amazing grace.

And in my belief, I believe everyone is entitled to pray at their own altar, kneel before the God or gods of their choosing, and honour life in their own special way.

I believe that when we stop hurting others in the name of God and stop killing in our quest for peace and judging for the sake of holding our ground, we will find ourselves in that place where our magnificence shines for all the world to see the wonder and awe of our human condition dancing in the light of love.

And until that time, I believe it is my right, and my duty, to stand in Love for what I know is true for me and to Love the truth of others so that we all have space to shimmer in the light of our shared human connection.

I believe we are all one and in our oneness, there is no difference between us other than the labels we carry to name our beliefs.

Art Journal Theme 4: Create

A friend came over to paint with me on Saturday. She doesn’t paint, in fact, if you ask her, she’ll tell you she doesn’t have a creative bone in her body. Which isn’t quite the truth.

I believe everyone has creative bones in their body. It’s just sometimes, we don’t exercise them or let them express themselves freely. Sometimes, we block the muse with our assertions we don’t have one, or can’t hear her, or don’t like her attitude. Sometimes, the daily noise in our lives gets so loud, she can’t find her way through the muck.

But she is always there, waiting, caring, knowing your heart’s calling to express yourself.

Sure, there are those who can draw straight, curved, crooked and every kind of wicked line and make just a line look beautiful. And there are those who can write a poem that makes hearts weep and catch an image on film that takes your breath away.

Creativity isn’t just in the medium that appear on canvas or the page or photographic paper.

Creativity is expressed in everything we do. How you set the dinner table, dress yourself, decorate your home are all acts of creativity. Heck, there’s even creativity in how people add up numbers or  can see the beauty in scientific data.

Creativity is everywhere, and when we let ourselves freely express our own unique creative urges, we set our world on fire.

Allowing myself to explore my creative core has given me the freedom to become authentically me, to express all of me, not just the parts I judge fit for human consumption.

Delving into my creativity has taught me an amazing truth. It’s allowed me to explore a question that has continually risen up through meditation and through living. And that question is:  What if I’m not broken?

What if the pieces of me are all there, fit together, some a little too tightly, some a little too loose, but the truth is, when I treat myself as broken, I see myself as a mess. As bits and pieces falling off. As incomplete. Unfinished. Unfixable.

What if I make the assumption…. I am not broken… And then live from that place?

What if I choose to believe in my completeness and embrace my wholeness without fearing the parts where my wiring is a bit crossed, or my thinking a bit crooked? What if I simply accept that those bits make up the whole — and the whole is beautifully, magnificently, authentically me.  All of it. Not just the parts I like, or want to accept, or am willing to put on display. All of it. All of me. Every itty bitty, chipped, and cracked and whole and complete bit. It’s all me and all the sum of the parts adds up to one amazing, expressive and creative soul?

And what if, in my willingness to accept ‘I am not broken’, letting myself go wild in my creative expression is the best way I can inspire others to see the beauty and wonder and magnificence of who they are?

What if, my creative expression is how my light pierces the darkness?

What if, each of us allowed ourselves to shine our lights, no matter how scared or broken we believe we are?

What if, it’s all about our willingness to shine and be magnificent, in all our broken down, cracked up, crooked and mis-wired ways?

All of us are creative, in our own ways. None of us are broken. It’s just our wiring has gotten crossed, our arteries blocked with lies appearing as truth, with denial appearing as right, and fear parading as fact.

Spending as much time in the studio as I have recently has given me the gift of self-expression — without fear. It’s unplugged my arteries, rewired my thinking as to who I am and what I am and what I do, and bring, to the world.

It’s set me free to express myself without judging the output, outcome, or awkwardness of my expression — in everything I do. From making dinner to walking the dog to painting on canvas..

A girlfriend came to paint with me on Saturday. In her assertions that she just can’t do it, or it’s not her thing, I saw me with my muse. She’s been calling me to rise up and start a creative revolution. She’s been calling out to me to get busy and live on purpose.

I am an alive and radiant woman, touching hearts, opening minds to set spirits free.

Taken from the Roof of the Calgary Drop-In,
Dec 2011

Warm and snug in my car, I look out at the snowy landscape and wait for a red light to change to green. On the other side of the street, construction crews and equipment busily transform a once empty lot into a sparkling new high-rise apartment condo. A billboard promises to deliver an exceptional quality of life to investors smart enough to arrive at that prestigious address.

In the crosswalk, a man shambles slowly across the street from the other side of the road. I cannot see his face. He is huddled into the protective shield of a blue and brown blanket clenched tightly in one dirt caked hand beneath his neck. He walks in front of my car towards the sidewalk, each faltering step leading him out of the line of traffic towards the safety of the curb. As he reaches the curb, he stumbles against the concrete lip separating him from the safety of the sidewalk.

The light turns green. The man stares down at the ground measuring his next step.

In the curbside lane to my right, a well dressed man in a sleek, dark blue car grows impatient. He honks his horn and motions expressively at the blanket enshrouded figure to get out of his way. The man pays no attention. Slowly, methodically, he lifts one foot up and onto the sidewalk and then the other. The crosswalk cleared, the dark blue car roars away as I too move on, the image of the blanket enshrouded figure growing smaller and smaller in my rearview mirror as snow drifts down and covers up all sign of our passing through the intersection of each other’s lives.

Such is life in Calgary. Contradictions. Juxtapositions. And homelessness.

Where once a boarding house offered affordable shelter to single men and women, a skyrise soars into the air with its promise of the good life to come. A man who possesses everything grows momentarily impatient with someone who has nothing and leaves him in the dust of his passing by. Forgotten. Dismissed. A nobody left in the past.

This is Calgary growing taller in another boom. Good times. Affluence. Rising buildings. Rising prices. And homelessness.

In “Homeless: A Prevention-Oriented Approach.” (John Hopkins University Press, 1992), Rene I. Jahiel, MD, PhD. writes: “In general, the events that make people homeless are initiated and controlled by other people whom our society allows to engage in the various enterprises that contribute to the homelessness of others. The primary purpose of these enterprises is not to make people homeless but, rather, to achieve socially condoned aims such as making a living, becoming rich, obtaining a more desirable home, increasing the efficiency of the workplace, promoting the growth of cultural institutions, giving cities a competitive advantage, or helping local or federal governments to balance their budgets or limit their debts. Homelessness occurs as a side effect.”

Calgary. Soaring skylines. Growing up. Changing lives. And homelessness.

We talk of ending homelessness and in the same breath widen the gap between the haves and the have nots with our conviction that growth and prosperity are intrinsic values of our society; at all costs. We plan for the future where everyone will have a place to call home and at the same time create more homelessness through our insistence that bigger is better. Bigger cities. Bigger homes. Bigger incomes. Bigger lives.

We tear down buildings that once housed low income Calgarians without consideration for where they will move on to and call it, progress. We displace renters with condo conversions and call it, free enterprise. We displace and disenfranchise those who struggle at the fringes of our society to fit in because they can’t keep up with rent increases and higher costs of living and call it, the future.

I waited for a red light to turn green and witnessed the city growing taller as a homeless man, huddled into his blanket, grew smaller in my rearview mirror.

*****************************************

I originally wrote this piece in 2007 where it appeared in the no longer active, Drop In Calgary blog HERE. I have edited it slightly and am fascinated by how seven years later, the cycle has once again kicked in — with the boom in our economy making it harder and harder for those on the margins to find a way home.

Not matter the question, the answer is Love.
Journal theme 3

It was a lesson in fear. A window into how fear motivates so much of what I’ve done in my life.

And it was heart-opening, consciousness raising.

I was sharing with Mary Davis, one of the facilitators at Choices Seminars, the story of C.C.’s marriage proposal. “I didn’t like the way I responded,” I told her. “It was a self-defeating game.”

What games did you play? she asked.

They were easy to name. They included. Get them before they get me. Be the problem. Hide behind confusion (and humour). Play small-Act out. And, one of my personal favourites (in a not so good way) when stuck in fear – Don’t think. React.

What do you want Big Picture with C.C.? she asked, gently.

I want an intimate relationship filled with romance and heart-sharing. I want to feel safe being vulnerable. I want to feel like we’re in this together. That we share the ups and downs, the excitements and the pains, the itty bitty moments and the big ones too. I want him to know me, see me, feel my heart beating. And to know him in the same way. And I want to feel safe.

It’s a big one for me. Feeling safe.

I haven’t known it much in my life. I haven’t given myself the opportunity.

Fear has been a big motivator and in my fear I have often run away, acted out, used humour to hide my heart, smiled to minimize my pain, walked away to avoid my sorrow.

It has been playing on my mind since my birthday party when C.C. got down on bended knee and proposed. There were a lot of things I could have done differently to honour his courage in asking me to marry him in front of a crowd of people. Instead, I dissed him. I took that precious moment and made less of it. Not because I ‘wanted to’. I did it because fear leapt up and screamed inside my head, like a siren warning of atomic fallout, “Take cover! Take cover! Hide! Run! Dive!”

Fear is a powerful motivator.

It’s time to let go of fear and choose Love.

It is time to honour C.C.’s love of romance, of surprise, of being spontaneous. Because, in my negative response is the germ of destruction. In my incapacity to move with grace and ease into the moment, I will eventually kill off one of the parts of him I love the most, his capacity to be romantic, full of surprises and spontaneous.

I have been wrestling for the past month to make sense of my response. What motivated me to call him an azzhole? What convinced me that it was okay to make light of such a beautiful and heartfelt moment.

It was fear.

Fear is the opportunity to be courageous.

When fear rises up, choose Love.

I have decided its time to get conscious of my fears and to rise up in Love.

I am choosing to look fear in the eyes, and the belly, so that I can be clear on what I want more of in my life. So that I can live in fearless joy of all that life has to offer when I stand in Love.

A beautiful man asked me to marry him.

There were a lot of things I could have done differently in the moment of his proposal.

That moment has passed but there are still many more to come as we journey together in Love.

And in each moment that arrives I can step out of my fear and open myself up to hope, joy, wonder and Love.

To have better I must do better at staying present, staying conscious, staying aware in the moment so that in everything I do I connect through the power and majesty of Love.

Because, no matter the question, the answer is always Love.

And when fear opens its maw to call me back, I have the power to choose Love.

My choice. My power. My Love.

Art Journal Theme 2
Soul Free

Snow covers the ground, deep, white and pristine, tiny crystals shimmering beneath pools of incandescent street light.

Tree branches hang low, their branches sheltering the earth that lays silently in the dark night soon to awaken with the dawn.

We are in the depths of winter. Snow falls. Drifts. Blows. Swirls. Gusts.

People walk, heads bent low to protect eyes from needlepoint pricks of icy matter blowing into their faces. Children play, rolling balls of snow, bigger and bigger, creating snowmen and other creatures of winter joy.

It snowed all day yesterday. Weathermen cast warnings out into the airwaves, their words filled with harsh warning of treacherous roads. Drivers navigated slowly along snow-clogged streets, while pedestrians tread delicately over slippery sidewalks.

This morning, the storm has passed. The world is still. White. Silent.

It promises to be warm again. Above freezing.

Will the snow melt away? A TV reporter asks the weatherman.

No. It’s all in the angle of the sun, he tells her.  The sun is still too low. No matter the warmth of the air, we need the sun’s rays to melt the snow.

Like the snow, our hearts need bright rays of hope, cheerful thoughts, optimistic thinking to melt the walls we’ve built of hurts and pains and fears that have accumulated over the years of our human journey.

Like the snow waiting for the sun to rise higher in the sky, our hearts need our thoughts to find a different angle, a higher view to break through to our hearts.

I begin coaching in another Choices seminar tomorrow. I delve into the wonder and awe of being part of the miracles that happen every time people come together to experience the ‘what is possible’ when they let go of fear of the unknown and trust in the process of discovery that Choices represents.

The five days will begin as they always do. 80+ strangers will enter at noon, their minds filled with concern, their thoughts filled with fears of the unknown. They’ll be telling themselves stories about why they’re there, or why they don’t need to be there. They’ll be worried that someone will ask them to stand up, share a story about themselves, to speak up, to be seen. Some will be concerned that there’s nothing for them in the room. They’ll tell themselves they’re only their because, their mother, father, husband, wife, brother, sister, friend, boss, told them they had to be. They’ll sit in stony silence, waiting for the first break, the next one, and then the next.

And then slowly, as the journey inward lengthens, the light will begin to break through. Slowly, as the angle steepens, the warmth of the sun will penetrate as its rays grow stronger. With each moment passing, the dark winter of the soul will be unburdened. Light and warmth will permeate the air, hearts will break open and Love will shimmer on every breath. Defences will begin to melt, walls of self-protection will break down, and  it will no longer matter whether they stood up and shared, or sat quietly observing never once speaking out, the Love that fills the room will embrace them. And in Love, all things are possible. Dreams awaken. Hearts dance. Souls stir.

I am coaching at Choices this week. I won’t have much time for posting. I’m off to bask in the warmth of miracles unfolding in every breath, and hearts dancing with every ray of light breaking through the cracks. 

I’m off to set my soul free.

It is the theme of the second page of my art journal. I finished both sides last night and share the joy of their creation with you here today.

See you on Monday.

Have a beautiful, heart-filled, soul stirring week! I know I will.

.

Soul-free

My heart is the mirror of my soul.
It is the pure essence of my being.
Light. Love. Joy. Truth.
My soul wants for me to be who I am
even when my ego would have me
believe I am not.
Essential. Evolved. Emergent.
My soul knows all. Sees all.
Is all that I am when I live
the grace of the divine expression
of Love that I am.

                         ©2014 Louise Gallagher